Renewal

We have a wedding to go to this weekend. Our son is the ringbearer. Hopefully he'll behave, but even if he doesn't he's young enough that people will think he's just being cute.

I'm dreading this. Since I found out about the affair in May we've been to two weddings; this will be our third. The first was within 6 weeks of finding out, and I wanted to beat the crap out of WS for about a week afterwards. The second wedding wasn't as bad. I think the aftershocks only lasted a day or two, and I'm trying to be prepared this time for another day or two of triggering.

I am not an emotional person at all. I'm crazy hormonal right now with the pregnancy, and for me that means that I've cried like 3 times in the last 5 months. I just don't react emotionally to many things. I'm very much the kind of person that takes a moment to evaluate the situation and my options before acting. The whole wedding thing for me and WS was really about the commitment of that ceremony-- not about getting dressed up and feeling all romantic for the day. At least, that's what it was for me. I can't speak for WS on that.

The thing that has me the most stressed about the upcoming wedding is that I think WS will ask me again to renew our vows. He first mentioned it while we were at the reception for the June wedding, and then asked me again at the second wedding. I had kind of put off answering until then, and I finally told him no. I have no reason to renew my vows to him-- I never broke mine. And to be honest, why should I accept vows from him again? They didn't exactly stick the first time.

He's brought up the vow renewal thing in passing a few times in the last week or two, and I just kind of laugh and brush him off. It's something I can't do. Maybe in a few years I can, but I feel like that would mean fully recommiting myself to him, and while things are going well right now, I'm not in a place where I'm comfortable with him making that kind of commitment to me again. Does that make sense?

He is still doing well. Little things every day, actually listening when I talk, taking time when he first comes home to kiss me and say hi to our son before he does anything else-- even to take off his coat most times. He's also been working from home a little more, which is a mixed blessing. Since I also work from home we sometimes get in each other's ways, but we're doing better about managing that.

Changing

Well, he's keeping up. Tonight and tomorrow he has to work late and we won't really get to see each other. That has always thrown us off when we've been doing well together, so we'll see what happens. I'm trying to be careful about this. I don't want to invest back too much at once. I want to give it time in case it whips around and bites my ass.

I've also been thinking about a slight career change-- specificallly something where I can schedule more around my husband's and kid's schedules. Right now I do work for myself, and there's a lot going there, but I'm so tired of doing so much hand-holding for my clients. Maybe it's because I'm so emotionally drained myself, but I think I'm getting burned out on this, and it's not the kind of work where one can be a little burned out and still do good work. Maybe a slight change in direction. I don't know yet, but I'm working on things. Plus there's this whole "doing what I love" thing that I'm missing. I like my job or I wouldn't have been in the business as long as I have been, but I have a clear view of what I really love to do, and I want to take a shot at it. I just have to figure out if it's even possible to try right now.

Is that even on the radar for anyone else? Or is the idea of doing what you love a crazy thing? Unrealistic? Just plain stupid? Some days I feel like a maniac considering my options. This would definitely be a leap of faith. I think I need to wait until I have a little more sturdy ground with WS before I jump. Sturdy as in either, we're doing very well and he's continued doing his part or sturdy as in we're going our separate ways-- either way, I know what's going on in the relationship to a greater extent than I have in a long time.

Or maybe it is just the stupid. I don't know. I'm freakishly optimistic right now. I guess I have let a little of that damn hope in.

Restored Faith

In the last week I've been really wondering whether or not I still belonged here in this relationship. I went so far as to start working out money things if I would be a single mom to 2 kids, and starting to look at what sort of place I could afford to live.

Then Friday afternoon, my husband left a note for me when I went to pick up my son. It said that my mom would be taking care of our son for the night, and for me to leave him at her house then head home as planned and read the note in my bathroom. From there was a short series of notes leading to my husband standing in the dining room with roses and dressed in his suit. We ate a dinner my husband had cooked for us (my very favorite), had some sparkling grape juice, danced in our dim living room, and had the most romantic passionate evening we've had since-- I don't know-- our first anniversary, maybe? I know he went all out for that, but I can't remember anything quite this big since.

And it wasn't just about the romance of the evening, because anyone can go out and get roses and whip up some pasta. No-- this was about sincerity. He had written me a long letter, like the letters we exchanged when we were dating, and in it was all the things that I needed to hear from him-- none of the cliched "I was so wrong, how can you ever forgive me" things, but his own real words. I can't explain it without too much detail, but it was the most perfect thing. And the words he spoke, and the look in his eyes.... for the first time I felt like he was really sorry, and not just sorry that he was caught.

And through the weekend he was completely different in the way he spoke to me and cared for me and did things for our son. He was a different man. I'll admit that I'm still a little wary of the change, and I will be waiting to see if this sticks, but I'm finding myself hoping that it does, when a week ago I would have given us no hope at all.

Looking for Dirt

Every time WS does something stupid I end up using my next free hour alone to go through his computer files and search the crap out of OW on the internet. I look through cell records, temp files, his internet history, emails, everything I have access to (whether he knows it or not).

I know I'm not the only betrayed person that does this, but why do I feel like a lunatic every time? I'm looking for some hint that I am not, in fact, a moron-- and that I'm not being duped again. The relief I feel at not finding anything is tremendous, but it doesn't mean that I trust him any more than I did before.

The frantic searches are getting less frequent, but I hate that I feel like I have to check up on him all the time. I still can't trust him to be honest with me about small things, so I'm certainly not trusting him when he says that he has no contact with OW. If he'll lie to me about where he goes to lunch (knowing full well that I take care of our debit card/checking account and SEE where he goes to lunch) why would he be entirely truthful about the actual issues in our marriage?

So is this just going to be the natural order of things for awhile? I'm just going to have to check in on him when I feel the need to do so? Is it normal for this stage of recovery? It's probably just the opposite, and I am indeed a raving psycho.

Anger

Been awhile I know.

I'm having a lot of problems this pregnancy, just like I thought I would, but I've finally hit the stage where I at least have a little bit of energy and some of the early issues are resolving, thank goodness.

As far as where WS and I stand, we're doing a really good job being parents together, and we're doing a good job being friends. We spend time together watching tv and talking about trivial things, and as long as we only talk about relationship and affair-related things in our counseling sessions, we aren't fighting. I think that this is how it has to be for awhile. I have to keep the intimate/marriage relationship distanced for a little while so that I can process the stuff related to the affair.

I've worked past the hurt and humiliated part. Now I'm angry beyond belief. And the bad thing is that it's spilling over into regular life. I'm really mad while I drive. I get really upset about news stories and client issues that wouldn't have flustered me before I hit this angry streak. (not in front of clients obviously). My nature is not angry. I'm really laid-back, I don't get in anyone's way, I actually bend over backwards to be *sure* I'm not getting in anyone's way. And since anger has not ever really been part of my life, I'm not really sure how to deal with this. Our counselor suggested some visualization and relaxation stuff, but those things both leave me feeling kind of hokey and not really any less angry than I was before.

So I'm angry, and *REALLY* want to get back at OW. I won't-- I know that that would be a very stupid step for me to take. And still, I'm incredibly angry.