It seems like this life provides us with too many and too few choices. Sorry to be quizzical- I'm in a mood.
We're heading into another anniversary. The actual date is still about 2 months away, but I can't get it out of my head. I keep dreaming about things related to it, it pops up in my thoughts during the day, it seems to be everpresent. It got bad enough that I woke up in the middle of the night last night and did stupid googling of Jessica's usernames and all that. It has almost been 2 years, but I'm apparently still not above this. When I finally got back to sleep I dreamed about hunting her down at her job and having it out with her-- no violence, but boy did I give her a tongue-lashing. I'm so passive agressive it's ridiculous! I couldn't even beat the girl up in my dream...
It's times like this that I wonder if I made the right choice to stay with Matt. Most of the time I think yes. We've made so much forward progress, and we've been genuinely getting along so well that I hope desperately that we continue to improve and grow together. But sometimes I still have that "no" in my mind. Am I still going to be stressed and worried over these anniversaries years from now? Is this seriously going to hang in the back of my mind for the rest of my marriage?
This is year 2. It should get better after awhile, yes? So what is it- 5 years? 10 years? Never? I'm trying to be realistic, as always.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
John, Part Two: Adult Relationship
Just before John and I moved in together there was a day that was far too perfect.
I slept in until an unreasonable hour and took a long hot bath-- long enough to get through an entire magazine. And when I got out of the tub I had a message from John: "hey-- this is weird, but I can't seem to stop thinking about you. I can't wait to see you tonight." Simple words, but I won't ever forget them. I felt so valued by him.
I remember laying on my bed and thinking that I was seriously the luckiest woman to have ever lived. We went out together that night and had an amazing evening, and that was the night he asked me to move in with him. I practically saw stars.
*************
On the flip side, I had convinced myself that the kind of passion and attraction we had for one another required all the arguing we did. I mean- passion in the bedroom carries into life, right? So because we were so intense with each other when we liked each other, we had the same level of intensity (if not more so) when we fought. We both said really stupid hurtful things to each other while we were upset, and that is why we were not able to keep ourselves together. We couldn't be respectful in an argument, so we drove ourselves apart.
*************
Matt and I have been quite the opposite. I think a strong factor in my decision to marry him because I was attracted to the stability and his even-tempered nature. He generally is extremely calm. That was part of how I knew something was going on leading up to my discovery of the affair-- he started having these crazy temper tantrums that were so out of character for him, and then when they continued as long as they did I stupidly assumed that it was something I'd done to cause it.... why do some women do that to themselves? Why do we assume it is us to blame at all times?
We have been talking in therapy about recreating passion, and it has been a hard topic, because to be honest, "passion" is not one of the words I would use to describe our relationship-- at any point in time. I can now say that I love my husband again, but I don't feel that "can't wait to see him" thing. I suppose that is what we are trying to recreate.
******************
So how exactly does one define an "adult" relationship? How do you balance that need to have someone desire you with the need for comfort and stability? It is always a work in progress, I'm learning, so what do you do in your relationship that works or doesn't work?
I slept in until an unreasonable hour and took a long hot bath-- long enough to get through an entire magazine. And when I got out of the tub I had a message from John: "hey-- this is weird, but I can't seem to stop thinking about you. I can't wait to see you tonight." Simple words, but I won't ever forget them. I felt so valued by him.
I remember laying on my bed and thinking that I was seriously the luckiest woman to have ever lived. We went out together that night and had an amazing evening, and that was the night he asked me to move in with him. I practically saw stars.
*************
On the flip side, I had convinced myself that the kind of passion and attraction we had for one another required all the arguing we did. I mean- passion in the bedroom carries into life, right? So because we were so intense with each other when we liked each other, we had the same level of intensity (if not more so) when we fought. We both said really stupid hurtful things to each other while we were upset, and that is why we were not able to keep ourselves together. We couldn't be respectful in an argument, so we drove ourselves apart.
*************
Matt and I have been quite the opposite. I think a strong factor in my decision to marry him because I was attracted to the stability and his even-tempered nature. He generally is extremely calm. That was part of how I knew something was going on leading up to my discovery of the affair-- he started having these crazy temper tantrums that were so out of character for him, and then when they continued as long as they did I stupidly assumed that it was something I'd done to cause it.... why do some women do that to themselves? Why do we assume it is us to blame at all times?
We have been talking in therapy about recreating passion, and it has been a hard topic, because to be honest, "passion" is not one of the words I would use to describe our relationship-- at any point in time. I can now say that I love my husband again, but I don't feel that "can't wait to see him" thing. I suppose that is what we are trying to recreate.
******************
So how exactly does one define an "adult" relationship? How do you balance that need to have someone desire you with the need for comfort and stability? It is always a work in progress, I'm learning, so what do you do in your relationship that works or doesn't work?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
John, Part One
Mind if I talk about my past relationship in pieces? I need to sort through some things, and as I've started writing about it I realized that there are a bunch of different aspects to this. So here is the first part.
Before I met Matt I was engaged to someone else. Just to be nice and plain, we'll call him John.
It was a bad relationship. It was too fast and we were too young and stupid to manage an adult relationship. We had amazing fire and passion, and while that was really good when it was good, it was also really bad when it was bad. We fought quite a lot in the few months we were together and in one bad fight he hit me. I left and never went back. I talked to him a few times after- once to arrange to get back into our apartment for my things without him being there, and another time when he called me drunk a few months after everything was over and told me how sorry he was and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him and all the drivel that sorry drunks say.
This is the story that Matt knows. It's none too exciting. I think a lot of us have a bad relationship like this in the past. I haven't told Matt details about it, mostly because he hasn't asked, and a little because there are parts of that relationship that I keep to myself. I felt really good in my relationship with John until those last few weeks. I was confidant in myself, I felt sexy and desired and amazing. Don't get me wrong. The fighting was awful. I hated that part. But when things were good between us, I felt like John would put the world at my feet if he could.
If I could cut and paste from past relationships, I would use Matt as my template. I would cut some things from him and from John I'd paste that passion and devotion.
I know Matt loves me, but I want more than that.
Before I met Matt I was engaged to someone else. Just to be nice and plain, we'll call him John.
It was a bad relationship. It was too fast and we were too young and stupid to manage an adult relationship. We had amazing fire and passion, and while that was really good when it was good, it was also really bad when it was bad. We fought quite a lot in the few months we were together and in one bad fight he hit me. I left and never went back. I talked to him a few times after- once to arrange to get back into our apartment for my things without him being there, and another time when he called me drunk a few months after everything was over and told me how sorry he was and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him and all the drivel that sorry drunks say.
This is the story that Matt knows. It's none too exciting. I think a lot of us have a bad relationship like this in the past. I haven't told Matt details about it, mostly because he hasn't asked, and a little because there are parts of that relationship that I keep to myself. I felt really good in my relationship with John until those last few weeks. I was confidant in myself, I felt sexy and desired and amazing. Don't get me wrong. The fighting was awful. I hated that part. But when things were good between us, I felt like John would put the world at my feet if he could.
If I could cut and paste from past relationships, I would use Matt as my template. I would cut some things from him and from John I'd paste that passion and devotion.
I know Matt loves me, but I want more than that.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Back Again
Sorry it's been a few weeks since the last post. To be honest, there has been nothing to write about. It's nice to say that! We had our ceremony and everything went well. We went away for the weekend after the ceremony and it was nice to just be a couple for a few days. We want to make more time for that.
Life has been, well, normal. I'm getting back into work, the kids are doing well, Matt and I are great. We took a short break from counseling and started back last week talking about individual issues rather than couple issues. Last week was just the prep work- talking about what we want to discuss at future visits. Matt specifically asked that I speak with the counselor about a past relationship of mine. I don't know that I can yet- I haven't even really told Matt much about it. This whole thing has me really nervous. It's so weird to be moving in a different direction now. I know these things have to be talked about, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Life has been, well, normal. I'm getting back into work, the kids are doing well, Matt and I are great. We took a short break from counseling and started back last week talking about individual issues rather than couple issues. Last week was just the prep work- talking about what we want to discuss at future visits. Matt specifically asked that I speak with the counselor about a past relationship of mine. I don't know that I can yet- I haven't even really told Matt much about it. This whole thing has me really nervous. It's so weird to be moving in a different direction now. I know these things have to be talked about, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Looking Up
For the last year and a half the world has looked progressively dimmer, save the one bright point of Jack being born. He is such a sweet kid by the way. He's really catching up developmentally to where he should be. His doctor is hopeful that he'll be at just the right development points by 15 or 18 months. He is such a happy kid-- what a joy! And Michael is doing well right now. He's finally adjusting to the new routine of not being in a care program and sharing me with work a little bit. He's doing much better about playing on his own for little bits of time or playing next to me while I work. I'm so proud of him.
And then there's me and Matt-- since we set a date to get "re-married" it's been a little like a second honeymoon and we haven't even had the ceremony yet. We're trying to talk with each other only once a week about problems that come up and kind of address it like our marriage is a business. We both understand the business world more than anything else and this has helped us tremendously. First of all I know that there is definitely going to be a chance for me to be heard about any issues I may have, and secondly Matt doesn't feel like we're *always* talking about the relationship. Both of our very different needs being met in that one evening. I never thought we'd resolve that particular recurring issue, but we have!
Matt has really been helping me out with getting time to work. I didn't think he'd be as receptive to watching the boys more as he was and it's been a huge weight off my shoulders to just have 3-4 dedicated hours to really dig in and get into the harder things for work without fear of being interrupted! I must trust him more with these things instead of just assuming he'll shoot me down. He often surprises me in this way, and I need to just assume that he will help me.
There has to come a point where everything starts to look up, right?
Maybe this is it.
When I next post Matt and I will be starting over. I'm so excited for this ceremony!
And then there's me and Matt-- since we set a date to get "re-married" it's been a little like a second honeymoon and we haven't even had the ceremony yet. We're trying to talk with each other only once a week about problems that come up and kind of address it like our marriage is a business. We both understand the business world more than anything else and this has helped us tremendously. First of all I know that there is definitely going to be a chance for me to be heard about any issues I may have, and secondly Matt doesn't feel like we're *always* talking about the relationship. Both of our very different needs being met in that one evening. I never thought we'd resolve that particular recurring issue, but we have!
Matt has really been helping me out with getting time to work. I didn't think he'd be as receptive to watching the boys more as he was and it's been a huge weight off my shoulders to just have 3-4 dedicated hours to really dig in and get into the harder things for work without fear of being interrupted! I must trust him more with these things instead of just assuming he'll shoot me down. He often surprises me in this way, and I need to just assume that he will help me.
There has to come a point where everything starts to look up, right?
Maybe this is it.
When I next post Matt and I will be starting over. I'm so excited for this ceremony!
Sunday, January 06, 2008
New Rings & Stress
Matt and I got new rings this week. We've been talking in counseling about what we need from this ceremony to really feel closure and for me it is new rings. I'm not a big jewelry girl. I'm home most of the time between work and kids, therefore no one to show off to. But I want a new symbol. I haven't worn my original rings much since everything happened. I've gone through periods of wearing them and then not, but now I want to wear rings to symbolize my marriage, but not the old ones. I don't even really know why that's so important to me. I'm supposed to think about that this week so that we can talk about it next session.
I'm trying to re-learn how to cope with stress. I've dealt with it in a multitude of unhealthy ways in my life. I was anorexic as a teenager, I drank stress away as a college student, after I got out of college and became a responsible adult (you know-- with a real job and a marriage and a mortgage) I started pretending it wasn't there for the longest time and then I'd be super stressed out for the short time I had to actually attend to the problem/test/situation and then it would be over-- like super compressing the stress into a few fun-filled hours instead of stringing it over several days. Since the affair I can't sleep when I'm stressed. I used to be able to tell myself that I'd deal with it in the morning. Now I worry that if I look the other way for even a second that I'll be missing a vital clue to something big.
So I don't sleep. The boys have both been really sick and I've actually got Jack sleeping in our room the last two nights because I'm so nervous about his respiratory stuff. I think Matt is starting to get it too. He's trying not to let it show, but it's hard to hide a cough.
I'm stressing mostly about work. This time of year is all about what you can offer that is new and exciting for the client, and I'm worried about to being able to keep up this time around. It only takes one season of being "off" to kick you out of the business and getting back in means completely recreating yourself. I've been trying to put as much extra time as I can into the business without sacrificing the boys or Matt too much. I think we've actually come up with a decent compromise. Matt needs to work late 1 night a week for about the next month and then he's going to take care of the boys 1 full evening for me so that I can work in a solid block that night. He's already giving me two nice chunks of time on weekends, so between those 3 times I think I'll feel more confident about getting things accomplished. We've talked about finding someone to come to our home part time next fall when Michael starts school... maybe we'll move that up a bit and see how it works out. I don't know-- childcare is just another of many mild stressors in my life right now.
How do you manage stress? I can't seem to manage a healthy response. I'm trying to be better about it, but it's just not working yet.
************
I'm trying to re-learn how to cope with stress. I've dealt with it in a multitude of unhealthy ways in my life. I was anorexic as a teenager, I drank stress away as a college student, after I got out of college and became a responsible adult (you know-- with a real job and a marriage and a mortgage) I started pretending it wasn't there for the longest time and then I'd be super stressed out for the short time I had to actually attend to the problem/test/situation and then it would be over-- like super compressing the stress into a few fun-filled hours instead of stringing it over several days. Since the affair I can't sleep when I'm stressed. I used to be able to tell myself that I'd deal with it in the morning. Now I worry that if I look the other way for even a second that I'll be missing a vital clue to something big.
So I don't sleep. The boys have both been really sick and I've actually got Jack sleeping in our room the last two nights because I'm so nervous about his respiratory stuff. I think Matt is starting to get it too. He's trying not to let it show, but it's hard to hide a cough.
I'm stressing mostly about work. This time of year is all about what you can offer that is new and exciting for the client, and I'm worried about to being able to keep up this time around. It only takes one season of being "off" to kick you out of the business and getting back in means completely recreating yourself. I've been trying to put as much extra time as I can into the business without sacrificing the boys or Matt too much. I think we've actually come up with a decent compromise. Matt needs to work late 1 night a week for about the next month and then he's going to take care of the boys 1 full evening for me so that I can work in a solid block that night. He's already giving me two nice chunks of time on weekends, so between those 3 times I think I'll feel more confident about getting things accomplished. We've talked about finding someone to come to our home part time next fall when Michael starts school... maybe we'll move that up a bit and see how it works out. I don't know-- childcare is just another of many mild stressors in my life right now.
How do you manage stress? I can't seem to manage a healthy response. I'm trying to be better about it, but it's just not working yet.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
In Response
Comment left by "Mistress":
Who said there is no love?
If you're recalling several posts ago, I think it's been awhile (and quite a bit of counseling and progress) since anything like that was said. And another change-- now that I'm being treated for PPD and my hormones aren't wacko anymore I'm feeling like a normal human being with normal emotions again. Weird how much that changes things.
The thing about recommitting ourselves is the fact that there is no lie. This is very much a "take me as I am" gig. I think we both see the ugly parts of each other and we're walking into this eyes open.
And another quote from "Mistress":
I understand where you're coming from and I appreciate the concern. To me the phrase "starry-eyed" expresses that all that person is thinking of is the feelings of that moment and not reality of loving long term and maintaining a good relationship. I'm figuring out this love thing again. So no-- not head-over-heels yet, but working on getting there. I'll just say that Matt is doing a great job convincing me that I can get there again.
Now on to the more philosophical portion of this post...
"In Love" vs. "Love"
These two ideas (and the differentiation between them) have caused me more trouble than anything in our recovery since the affair. There is of course that good old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phrase that most wayward spouses tend to utter at some point- mine included. It's been one of the few things that still hangs with me. How can you love someone and do something like this when you know it's going to break her heart? Is that fleeting "in love" feeling worth it?
I'll admit that after we'd been in therapy for a few months I had this week or two of jealousy building up in me because he'd gotten to experience that "fresh love" feeling. How long have we been married? Ages it seems, and longer than that since I've felt the butterflies of thinking he just might be the one for me and the excitement and tension leading to a first kiss... And I was jealous, because I wanted that again. "In Love" is so very different than "Love".
So we're doing the "in love" things, and god is this marriage different. You can't hold on to the feeling all the time, but if you can create it once or twice a week, it sure works a miracle.
If you aren't in love, why marry him again? I don't understand re-committing if
there is no love left. It seems like a big lie. Wouldn't you be better off going
your separate ways?
Who said there is no love?
If you're recalling several posts ago, I think it's been awhile (and quite a bit of counseling and progress) since anything like that was said. And another change-- now that I'm being treated for PPD and my hormones aren't wacko anymore I'm feeling like a normal human being with normal emotions again. Weird how much that changes things.
The thing about recommitting ourselves is the fact that there is no lie. This is very much a "take me as I am" gig. I think we both see the ugly parts of each other and we're walking into this eyes open.
And another quote from "Mistress":
"no starry eyed 'so in love' wedding"That phrase, to me, does not speak of
certain love. It sounds, on paper, like a legal commitment - and maybe that is
all it is. I hope, for your sake Naive, that I misunderstood. I am just curious
as to why someone would want to recommit so quickly unless they WERE starry eyed in love. No offense was intended.I don't know you Kate, but you certainly
presume to know me. Fortunately for me, you have it all wrong. Happy new year!
I understand where you're coming from and I appreciate the concern. To me the phrase "starry-eyed" expresses that all that person is thinking of is the feelings of that moment and not reality of loving long term and maintaining a good relationship. I'm figuring out this love thing again. So no-- not head-over-heels yet, but working on getting there. I'll just say that Matt is doing a great job convincing me that I can get there again.
Now on to the more philosophical portion of this post...
"In Love" vs. "Love"
These two ideas (and the differentiation between them) have caused me more trouble than anything in our recovery since the affair. There is of course that good old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phrase that most wayward spouses tend to utter at some point- mine included. It's been one of the few things that still hangs with me. How can you love someone and do something like this when you know it's going to break her heart? Is that fleeting "in love" feeling worth it?
I'll admit that after we'd been in therapy for a few months I had this week or two of jealousy building up in me because he'd gotten to experience that "fresh love" feeling. How long have we been married? Ages it seems, and longer than that since I've felt the butterflies of thinking he just might be the one for me and the excitement and tension leading to a first kiss... And I was jealous, because I wanted that again. "In Love" is so very different than "Love".
So we're doing the "in love" things, and god is this marriage different. You can't hold on to the feeling all the time, but if you can create it once or twice a week, it sure works a miracle.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Hitting Refresh
Matt asked me to marry him.
Again.
So we're getting "re-married" in January. New vows, non-traditional, just us and a very select group of about 5 people who have helped us through everything.
We're having a do-over if you will. No starry-eyed "so in love" wedding. This is a ceremony of commitment and a fresh page for us... remembering the past to make our future better. There is nothing about this that makes me think "oh, this is really it" or anything like that. It's just a way for both of us to acknowledge the work we've both put in to our relationship and that we are ready to be a different couple than we've been before.
I know there are all different feelings about a ceremony of this sort, and until recently I would never have considered it. In fact, the thought of renewing a commitment to Matt just about made me sick. I'm ready now though. I'm ready to commit myself back to the relationship with my eyes fully opened. I'm ready to see where we're going.
Again.
So we're getting "re-married" in January. New vows, non-traditional, just us and a very select group of about 5 people who have helped us through everything.
We're having a do-over if you will. No starry-eyed "so in love" wedding. This is a ceremony of commitment and a fresh page for us... remembering the past to make our future better. There is nothing about this that makes me think "oh, this is really it" or anything like that. It's just a way for both of us to acknowledge the work we've both put in to our relationship and that we are ready to be a different couple than we've been before.
I know there are all different feelings about a ceremony of this sort, and until recently I would never have considered it. In fact, the thought of renewing a commitment to Matt just about made me sick. I'm ready now though. I'm ready to commit myself back to the relationship with my eyes fully opened. I'm ready to see where we're going.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Down to the Real Problems
Matt and I have spent the last few weeks in pretty intensive counseling. Two or three times a week we've been going, trying to hash things out.
Our problems:
1. I have this overwhelming desire to analyze every single aspect of every single thing that happens in my life. It's how I've always been. I don't remember ever being different than this.
2. Matt has the overwhelming desire to bury everything and pretend it doesn't exist.
3. When I try to analyze things with him he wants to bury it and run off and I drive him mad and he drives me mad.
This is basically what it comes down to. There are other nitpicky problems, but basically it's the fact that we're polar opposites that is causing us problems at this point. And they're not bad problems any more. Just getting on each other's nerves every once in awhile problems. We're working on how to manage these little problems as they come up so that neither of us bottle it up and then explode on the other person. Or let it get so bad that we contemplate leaving.
And you know what I realized after last night's session? None of this has revolved around affair-related things. These are the true problems in our relationship-- nothing to do with that one action.
Ahhh, relief.
Our problems:
1. I have this overwhelming desire to analyze every single aspect of every single thing that happens in my life. It's how I've always been. I don't remember ever being different than this.
2. Matt has the overwhelming desire to bury everything and pretend it doesn't exist.
3. When I try to analyze things with him he wants to bury it and run off and I drive him mad and he drives me mad.
This is basically what it comes down to. There are other nitpicky problems, but basically it's the fact that we're polar opposites that is causing us problems at this point. And they're not bad problems any more. Just getting on each other's nerves every once in awhile problems. We're working on how to manage these little problems as they come up so that neither of us bottle it up and then explode on the other person. Or let it get so bad that we contemplate leaving.
And you know what I realized after last night's session? None of this has revolved around affair-related things. These are the true problems in our relationship-- nothing to do with that one action.
Ahhh, relief.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Future Things
I suppose we might be alright now. I'm taking one thing as a major sign. Matt keeps talking about future things.
He has two vacations planned-- a family vacation for the 4 of us, and a get-away for just us.
It wasn't very long ago that I would have thought him to be awfully bold thinking like that. I might have even said, "who even knows if there will be an *us* next year to go on a vacation?" I don't say that to him, but I still think it. I'm trying not to and I'm trying to be enthusiastic about the fact that he is planning for us.
I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last year and a half. Every bit of my day is spent planning and organizing and worrying over the mundane things of every day life. If I don't do it no one will, and it must be done... I wish I was able to stretch myself creatively again-- not for a client-- just for myself...
In a way I wish I could go back to who I was before finding out about Matt's affair. I miss my fun creative self. I don't really wish it though-- I never want to be that naive again.
He has two vacations planned-- a family vacation for the 4 of us, and a get-away for just us.
It wasn't very long ago that I would have thought him to be awfully bold thinking like that. I might have even said, "who even knows if there will be an *us* next year to go on a vacation?" I don't say that to him, but I still think it. I'm trying not to and I'm trying to be enthusiastic about the fact that he is planning for us.
I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last year and a half. Every bit of my day is spent planning and organizing and worrying over the mundane things of every day life. If I don't do it no one will, and it must be done... I wish I was able to stretch myself creatively again-- not for a client-- just for myself...
In a way I wish I could go back to who I was before finding out about Matt's affair. I miss my fun creative self. I don't really wish it though-- I never want to be that naive again.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Success
All this craziness the last 6 or 8 weeks between me and Matt? Turns out it was me.
I'd say my fault, but there's no fault in this. It is post partum depression on a massive level. I don't want to do details, but I wasn't sleeping at all and was highly paranoid-- enough that Matt took me in to my doctor who promptly put me on meds and I'm back to myself finally.
So in celebration of having my brain back, I have a positive and uplifting question for you.
What in your life makes you feel successful? Your career? your kids? Spouse? Finishing your "to do" list?
I felt succesful on a personal level once I'd been in business for about 2 years. I wasn't working crazy hours building the business up anymore because I had steady clients and I really loved me work. I never imagined feeling more successful that I was in that place.
Then I had Michael. The first few months were chaos. I had imagined motherhood to be a completely different thing than it actually was and I was unprepared for that. However, when Michael was about 6 months old I realized that I had never felt so competent.
Now, of course, I alternate between feeling like I'm on top of everything kid-wise and feeling like I need to give him to real parents who might actually know how to get those vegetables into him without a war breaking out everytime. But hey-- that's life with a pre-schooler, right?
So what makes you feel successful?
I'd say my fault, but there's no fault in this. It is post partum depression on a massive level. I don't want to do details, but I wasn't sleeping at all and was highly paranoid-- enough that Matt took me in to my doctor who promptly put me on meds and I'm back to myself finally.
So in celebration of having my brain back, I have a positive and uplifting question for you.
What in your life makes you feel successful? Your career? your kids? Spouse? Finishing your "to do" list?
I felt succesful on a personal level once I'd been in business for about 2 years. I wasn't working crazy hours building the business up anymore because I had steady clients and I really loved me work. I never imagined feeling more successful that I was in that place.
Then I had Michael. The first few months were chaos. I had imagined motherhood to be a completely different thing than it actually was and I was unprepared for that. However, when Michael was about 6 months old I realized that I had never felt so competent.
Now, of course, I alternate between feeling like I'm on top of everything kid-wise and feeling like I need to give him to real parents who might actually know how to get those vegetables into him without a war breaking out everytime. But hey-- that's life with a pre-schooler, right?
So what makes you feel successful?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Tagged
I've been tagged by akakarma-- so I'll play.
Instructions;
1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.
So, seven weird facts about me...
1. I always do the crosswords in the daily paper. I do them in little bits throughout the day, but if I don't get it finished before bed I dream about the clues. Very weird, I know.
2. If there is more than one item on my dinner plate, I eat clockwise and all of one item before moving on to the next, starting with the food I like the least. It's some kind of strange compulsion.
3. I have to have things organized in front of me before I can start any type of project. I used to make endless amounts of lists and charts on paper, but now I have a folder on my computer just for my list-making.
4. I always hope that fortune cookies will prove to be true.
5. I'm on a diet (a fact which is neither strange nor random, but is making me progressively grumpier).
6. I used to read like crazy. Even after Michael was born I spent any free time reading book after book. I can't remember the last book I read for pleasure...
7. When I was a kid my mom told me that she thought I would grow up to be in a certain profession and I did just about everything possible to ensure that that wouldn't happen (just because I have this undeniable urge to do the precise opposite of absolutely everything she says). Yet, here I am, in exactly the place she predicted I'd be. And she was right- I do love my job.
I won't tag anyone, but if you do decide to play along with this, post a comment here so I can come and read your post. :)
Instructions;
1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.
So, seven weird facts about me...
1. I always do the crosswords in the daily paper. I do them in little bits throughout the day, but if I don't get it finished before bed I dream about the clues. Very weird, I know.
2. If there is more than one item on my dinner plate, I eat clockwise and all of one item before moving on to the next, starting with the food I like the least. It's some kind of strange compulsion.
3. I have to have things organized in front of me before I can start any type of project. I used to make endless amounts of lists and charts on paper, but now I have a folder on my computer just for my list-making.
4. I always hope that fortune cookies will prove to be true.
5. I'm on a diet (a fact which is neither strange nor random, but is making me progressively grumpier).
6. I used to read like crazy. Even after Michael was born I spent any free time reading book after book. I can't remember the last book I read for pleasure...
7. When I was a kid my mom told me that she thought I would grow up to be in a certain profession and I did just about everything possible to ensure that that wouldn't happen (just because I have this undeniable urge to do the precise opposite of absolutely everything she says). Yet, here I am, in exactly the place she predicted I'd be. And she was right- I do love my job.
I won't tag anyone, but if you do decide to play along with this, post a comment here so I can come and read your post. :)
Monday, October 08, 2007
Love Languages
We finished reading the Love Languages book. I started it back in June and then it got put aside until this week, and Matt and I had a sort of marathon reading session.
Matt's love language is acts of service, specifically the house being clean. That speaks volumes to him when I get things done around the house. Of course that's the lowest score I had, and it is the hardest one for me to do because I just don't think that way. I'm trying very hard this week and I've been somewhat successful. I'll get better.
My love language is physical touch. I need that type of contact all the time or I feel completely cut off. And once again Matt and I are opposites and that is his lowest score. He doesn't think of touching me affectionately outside of sex so it doesn't happen often. He has promised to try to be better too, just as I'm trying to be better about acts of service for him.
Matt's love language is acts of service, specifically the house being clean. That speaks volumes to him when I get things done around the house. Of course that's the lowest score I had, and it is the hardest one for me to do because I just don't think that way. I'm trying very hard this week and I've been somewhat successful. I'll get better.
My love language is physical touch. I need that type of contact all the time or I feel completely cut off. And once again Matt and I are opposites and that is his lowest score. He doesn't think of touching me affectionately outside of sex so it doesn't happen often. He has promised to try to be better too, just as I'm trying to be better about acts of service for him.
It was nice to have something structured to talk through. Half the time when we talk about us I feel like we both just ramble aimlessly. Apparently we need to go to counseling more often to relearn how to talk to each other.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Order
We've had a few weeks now of "normal" life. Jack is doing well, Michael is well, and I'm getting back into work (still stressed there but things are coming together). We've pretty much adjusted to the boys being home with me for now, but we're still looking for part time care so that I can be a little more productive when I'm working rather than working in 10 minutes intervals.
Matt and I haven't been talking about any relationship stuff. To be honest it has been hard for me because this has consumed my brain for over a year now (save the time when Jack was born and in the hospital) and I went about 3 lovely days without thinking about it and then the other night woke up in a panic with all these horrible relationship related thoughts pounding through my head. I didn't talk to Matt about it. I'm trying to talk myself down. I know Matt has appreciated the break though, and that is worth it.
I'm feeling psychotic again. It's how I spent all of last summer and fall-- feeling like a maniac. Only then it was because I compulsively went over every detail of Matt's day, checking his phone and bank records, searching his computer, everything I could possibly do to make myself feel like he might really be telling the truth. I needed hard evidence of that fact. I haven't been searching again. I feel crazy now because the stress in my life is eating me alive. Just the work of trying to take care of our financial situation keeps me up til ungodly hours. We're in pretty bad shape now because I've basically not been working since July, and before that was working in a very limited capacity. So we've eaten through half of our savings even though we cut back our living expenses quite a bit when I went on bed rest, and we're still waiting on a few hospital bills to get through the insurance process.
I'm really struggling with PPD this time. Or maybe it's not PPD and it's general depression. I don't know. I really don't feel overwhelmed by the mothering part of life. I'm loving having my boys home with me most of the time. It's the rest of life that is sucking me dry. Finances, trying to get work going again, Matt... if I have to give any more of myself, I'm going to fall over. I really feel like I'm alone in dealing with everything, and if I bring anything up I'm putting stress on Matt that he doesn't want/need and that will just push him away again.
I don't know how to balance things right now. I can't seem to talk to him about things that really need to be addressed without it turning into a major fiasco, but keeping it to myself is eating me up. I am a smart woman. Why the hell can't I figure out how to bring order to my life?
I'm feeling very foolish right about now.
Matt and I haven't been talking about any relationship stuff. To be honest it has been hard for me because this has consumed my brain for over a year now (save the time when Jack was born and in the hospital) and I went about 3 lovely days without thinking about it and then the other night woke up in a panic with all these horrible relationship related thoughts pounding through my head. I didn't talk to Matt about it. I'm trying to talk myself down. I know Matt has appreciated the break though, and that is worth it.
I'm feeling psychotic again. It's how I spent all of last summer and fall-- feeling like a maniac. Only then it was because I compulsively went over every detail of Matt's day, checking his phone and bank records, searching his computer, everything I could possibly do to make myself feel like he might really be telling the truth. I needed hard evidence of that fact. I haven't been searching again. I feel crazy now because the stress in my life is eating me alive. Just the work of trying to take care of our financial situation keeps me up til ungodly hours. We're in pretty bad shape now because I've basically not been working since July, and before that was working in a very limited capacity. So we've eaten through half of our savings even though we cut back our living expenses quite a bit when I went on bed rest, and we're still waiting on a few hospital bills to get through the insurance process.
I'm really struggling with PPD this time. Or maybe it's not PPD and it's general depression. I don't know. I really don't feel overwhelmed by the mothering part of life. I'm loving having my boys home with me most of the time. It's the rest of life that is sucking me dry. Finances, trying to get work going again, Matt... if I have to give any more of myself, I'm going to fall over. I really feel like I'm alone in dealing with everything, and if I bring anything up I'm putting stress on Matt that he doesn't want/need and that will just push him away again.
I don't know how to balance things right now. I can't seem to talk to him about things that really need to be addressed without it turning into a major fiasco, but keeping it to myself is eating me up. I am a smart woman. Why the hell can't I figure out how to bring order to my life?
I'm feeling very foolish right about now.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thank you, akakarma
From akaKarma in the comments of last post:
Wow, did that comment speak to me. Thank you very much for it.
I brought this up to Matt, and he was tremendously relieved. We're both tired of working hard at this-- it's all we've been doing for the last year, and we need a break. So our break has had the following rules: Spend time together or apart as we want to, no expectations on Matt sleeping in our room or not, no relationship talk (including separation), no seeing other people.
We've been on our "break" for a week, and Matt has come home at a decent hour almost every night since, and has asked me to watch movies or spend time with him a few evenings. He's slept in our bed with me every night but the first. Last night he asked what he could do to help me get my work life back on track.
Was I putting that much pressure on him-- on us? Apparently so and I didn't see it. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I never know how to deal with things anymore. This is just another example.
Akakarma? You may have saved us for now.
You two are deservedly exhausted right now. Sometimes all you can do is retreat
to your separate corners and heal a bit, lick wounds before you are able to come
together again. The little stuff is the hardest stuff isn't it? It wears you
down. I was not prepared for marriage and motherhood and how hard it was. When
my H had hid A I was at the pinnacle of feeling like it was drudgery (even tho I
was crazy for my child) and I felt like I was slogging thru the mud every day. I
think he did too and found a way out in fantasy- a choice I like to think I
wouldn't have made. Hang in there and just see what happens- stop working so
hard to be perfect and connected- just be for awhile. If you both can just
commit to staying out of other relationships that might be enuf right now?
Wow, did that comment speak to me. Thank you very much for it.
I brought this up to Matt, and he was tremendously relieved. We're both tired of working hard at this-- it's all we've been doing for the last year, and we need a break. So our break has had the following rules: Spend time together or apart as we want to, no expectations on Matt sleeping in our room or not, no relationship talk (including separation), no seeing other people.
We've been on our "break" for a week, and Matt has come home at a decent hour almost every night since, and has asked me to watch movies or spend time with him a few evenings. He's slept in our bed with me every night but the first. Last night he asked what he could do to help me get my work life back on track.
Was I putting that much pressure on him-- on us? Apparently so and I didn't see it. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I never know how to deal with things anymore. This is just another example.
Akakarma? You may have saved us for now.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
My Chosen Path
We all make decisions that direct our path. There are the big decisions that are easy to see-- mile markers if you will. Getting married or divorced, having a child, buying a house and other such choices are the mile markers in our lives. I remember a lot of things lately as "when I was pregnant with Michael" or "when Michael had just turned one" or "just after we got married". It's hard for me to say exactly when something happened by precise date until I think of the mile marker event that it is nearest to.
Those big decisions are so easy to see and it is easy to give them the proper weight that they deserve when considering your options. I thought for a long time about whether or not I should marry Matt and rightly so. It's a decision that changes the path of your life and there's no telling the new direction.
And then there are those small decisions that you can't know about or prepare for. Like choosing to take a certain route home-- not your normal route, but a way that gets you there just the same. You might get home the same as always, but you also might get in an accident you may not have gotten in if you had just kept to your normal route.
My chosen path, as Matt was referring to in last post, was my decision to stay and work things out in our relationship. He acknowledges that once he decided to stay that I also had a decision to make considering the devastation to our relationship post-affair. I chose to stay and work.
And this is how things have turned out. We kind of just survived until last February when something seemed to click inside Matt's head and suddenly he got it and made drastic changes. He's kept the big changes (no close relationships with other women, letting me know what he's up to when he's out outside of work hours, keeping his accounts and phone open to me, etc.) but all the small things? Poof. Disappeared.
Why?
He's tired of keeping it up.
And I understand that. I'm tired of this whole thing too. It's not about the affair anymore. It's about us and the problems we have in trying to maintain our relationship. I've been feeling particularly awful in this relationship for several weeks now. I kept trying to pinpoint the problem and couldn't so I finally decided that I must be in a weird place and I'd get over it. And then in having a mundane argument (something household related that I don't remember) he said that this is what I've chosen for myself. And that's when it hit me.
I've put myself here, and I hate where I am on my chosen path.
Those big decisions are so easy to see and it is easy to give them the proper weight that they deserve when considering your options. I thought for a long time about whether or not I should marry Matt and rightly so. It's a decision that changes the path of your life and there's no telling the new direction.
And then there are those small decisions that you can't know about or prepare for. Like choosing to take a certain route home-- not your normal route, but a way that gets you there just the same. You might get home the same as always, but you also might get in an accident you may not have gotten in if you had just kept to your normal route.
My chosen path, as Matt was referring to in last post, was my decision to stay and work things out in our relationship. He acknowledges that once he decided to stay that I also had a decision to make considering the devastation to our relationship post-affair. I chose to stay and work.
And this is how things have turned out. We kind of just survived until last February when something seemed to click inside Matt's head and suddenly he got it and made drastic changes. He's kept the big changes (no close relationships with other women, letting me know what he's up to when he's out outside of work hours, keeping his accounts and phone open to me, etc.) but all the small things? Poof. Disappeared.
Why?
He's tired of keeping it up.
And I understand that. I'm tired of this whole thing too. It's not about the affair anymore. It's about us and the problems we have in trying to maintain our relationship. I've been feeling particularly awful in this relationship for several weeks now. I kept trying to pinpoint the problem and couldn't so I finally decided that I must be in a weird place and I'd get over it. And then in having a mundane argument (something household related that I don't remember) he said that this is what I've chosen for myself. And that's when it hit me.
I've put myself here, and I hate where I am on my chosen path.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Back Again
Since I was last here...
1. We pulled Michael out of the daycare program he was in. Four of the teachers quit or resigned within one week, and that makes me really nervous about the management of the place. So we are looking for a new program or private care, which is really stressing me out for some reason. I don't even know why, but it's constantly on my mind.
2. Because of this, I'm kind of doing the stay-at-home mom thing right now, but trying to work at least part time because I need to get my income flowing again, and I can't do that unless I'm billing hours. So I'm doing mommy stuff most of the day and then working during Michael's afternoon naptime (which Jack currently sleeps through too, thank goodness!) and then for a few hours every evening after the boys are in bed. I'm going to need to start trying to get up earlier than them too and see if I can at least answer emails or something small before they get up.
3. Matt and I talked about separating last week. I can't talk to him anymore, and he works late so that he doesn't have to come home. I'm not sure how we got back here, but I know that this time around I don't care. I can't keep cycling through this with him. I can't do this every year for the rest of our lives. The thought of separating from him exhausts me... I'm worried about managing everything on my own, but at the same time, I'm already managing 95% on my own, what's that last 5% going to do to me? And at the same time, separating might be a relief... I'm tired of trying to make a relationship work when he's not doing his part anymore. When he was working at it things were going well. Now he's decided that he's done enough work and it should all be over by now. That's what he told me. He told me that I chose this path for us and I need to live with how it turned out.
So he's usually leaving for work before we're up in the morning (or he hangs around basically just long enough to say good morning to the boys) and then he doesn't come home until just before Michael's bedtime. He spends a little time with Michael for about 20 minutes before helping to put him to bed then retreats to his office and either comes to bed after I'm asleep or sleeps in the other room. No real decision has been made yet, so we'll see where this goes.
I apologize for being offline for awhile, but I've been trying to manage life here, and I don't really want to apologize for that, you know?
1. We pulled Michael out of the daycare program he was in. Four of the teachers quit or resigned within one week, and that makes me really nervous about the management of the place. So we are looking for a new program or private care, which is really stressing me out for some reason. I don't even know why, but it's constantly on my mind.
2. Because of this, I'm kind of doing the stay-at-home mom thing right now, but trying to work at least part time because I need to get my income flowing again, and I can't do that unless I'm billing hours. So I'm doing mommy stuff most of the day and then working during Michael's afternoon naptime (which Jack currently sleeps through too, thank goodness!) and then for a few hours every evening after the boys are in bed. I'm going to need to start trying to get up earlier than them too and see if I can at least answer emails or something small before they get up.
3. Matt and I talked about separating last week. I can't talk to him anymore, and he works late so that he doesn't have to come home. I'm not sure how we got back here, but I know that this time around I don't care. I can't keep cycling through this with him. I can't do this every year for the rest of our lives. The thought of separating from him exhausts me... I'm worried about managing everything on my own, but at the same time, I'm already managing 95% on my own, what's that last 5% going to do to me? And at the same time, separating might be a relief... I'm tired of trying to make a relationship work when he's not doing his part anymore. When he was working at it things were going well. Now he's decided that he's done enough work and it should all be over by now. That's what he told me. He told me that I chose this path for us and I need to live with how it turned out.
So he's usually leaving for work before we're up in the morning (or he hangs around basically just long enough to say good morning to the boys) and then he doesn't come home until just before Michael's bedtime. He spends a little time with Michael for about 20 minutes before helping to put him to bed then retreats to his office and either comes to bed after I'm asleep or sleeps in the other room. No real decision has been made yet, so we'll see where this goes.
I apologize for being offline for awhile, but I've been trying to manage life here, and I don't really want to apologize for that, you know?
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Update
Jack has been back in the hospital. He had an infection, and it's gone now but he just came home two days ago. Thank goodness for amazing doctors that were able to quickly diagnose and treat him.
Life is kind of falling apart right now. Matt is working a ton, all of my energy has gone into the boys, and I'm majorly stressed about getting back into work. Because of my extended absence I've lost a few clients and when I start contacting current clients on Monday I'm sure I'll find that they've found other options as well. I'm afraid I'm in for several months of rebuilding.
I haven't really seen Matt since Sunday night. He went to the hospital with me that night, and then I saw him briefly Monday morning before he went to work and I went to the hospital. He didn't come home until after 10 Monday night and last night. Hopefully work stuff will settle soon for him too...
Life is kind of falling apart right now. Matt is working a ton, all of my energy has gone into the boys, and I'm majorly stressed about getting back into work. Because of my extended absence I've lost a few clients and when I start contacting current clients on Monday I'm sure I'll find that they've found other options as well. I'm afraid I'm in for several months of rebuilding.
I haven't really seen Matt since Sunday night. He went to the hospital with me that night, and then I saw him briefly Monday morning before he went to work and I went to the hospital. He didn't come home until after 10 Monday night and last night. Hopefully work stuff will settle soon for him too...
Friday, August 10, 2007
Last Night
Last night I went to the hospital to see Jack and there was a new baby in the NICU. The parents came in after I'd been there for awhile, the father pushing the mother's wheelchair. He parked her as close to their baby's bed as he could, and she started crying when she saw their little one. He crouched next to her and I could tell that he was repeating back whatever it was that the doctor had told him about their little one. She broke down and sobbed into her hands. He put his arms around her and held her for the longest time. They talked again for a little while and then he kissed her lightly on the lips and the way he looked at her-- like he'd never been more in love, even though it was one of the most difficult places to be...
I want Matt to look at me like that. god, I want to look at him like that.
I want Matt to look at me like that. god, I want to look at him like that.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Lifting Fog
I woke up yesterday just after 5 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. After I rolled around for 20 minutes trying to settle in somewhere, Matt asked what was wrong. I was worried about Jack, but I didn't want to say that at first. I immediately flashed to anger because a part of me started screaming inside that he should know what was wrong-- Jack is still sick! Isn't that enough to keep me up?
I didn't say anything though. Thank goodness.
After a few near silent minutes I told him that I felt like I needed to see Jack right then. Matt didn't say anything for a second, and then he asked if I needed him to come too. I told him I didn't-- it was enough that he had asked.
I got to the hospital just after the sun came up. His overnight nurse was surprised to see me. I don't usually go in until closer to 8 a.m. As I washed my hands in preparation to go into the NICU, I asked about his overnight progress and she answered rather vaguely that he was doing as well as could be expected. She started to walk away and then said, "The doctor wants to talk to you and your husband this morning. Will Matt be able to come in?"
I almost started crying, and I asked what time he should come. She told me to go ahead and call him if he would be awake. I immediately went back out to the family room to call. Matt said he'd be there in a few minutes.
The nurses don't say much. I don't know all the rules about what they are and aren't allowed to tell us, but I know they don't tell us very much. They tell me if he fussed much during the night and how much breast milk he was able to take through his tube, what his weight and vitals were when they last checked-- those types of things. When we ask more detailed questions they always refer us to either the nurse practitioner or the neo-natologist. When I went back in after calling Matt the nurse noticed that I had been crying and she came and sat with me next to Jack's little bed. It's a heated bed since he can't yet maintain his own body heat, and it has clear plastic sides that fold down to make it easy to get to him when needed. She folded down the side closest to us so that I could rub my finger on his side and let him close his fist around my finger. Tears started again.
"It's not a bad talk," she said. "He'll explain when he gets here, but you should know that it's not a bad talk."
I nodded, because I couldn't talk.
The neonatologist came in just after Matt got there. He told us that Jack's improvements are significant enough to try taking him off of a few of the monitors one at a time. He gave us the order they would go in, and the timeline, and as long as all goes well we might be able to try to nurse by the end of the week. If nursing doesn't work out (it's more difficult for early babies I guess because they don't suck as well, and also he's been eating through a tube these last few weeks) then we will try the bottle. To go home he has to be able to eat well through either nursing or bottling, so it's a pretty significant step. And if he eats well he will have to stay just a few more days to prove that he can maintain his good health before he can come home.
So best case scenario, our little boy could be home by the end of next week. He is doing very well. I am a mess, but he is doing well. I will do better when he is home.
I didn't say anything though. Thank goodness.
After a few near silent minutes I told him that I felt like I needed to see Jack right then. Matt didn't say anything for a second, and then he asked if I needed him to come too. I told him I didn't-- it was enough that he had asked.
I got to the hospital just after the sun came up. His overnight nurse was surprised to see me. I don't usually go in until closer to 8 a.m. As I washed my hands in preparation to go into the NICU, I asked about his overnight progress and she answered rather vaguely that he was doing as well as could be expected. She started to walk away and then said, "The doctor wants to talk to you and your husband this morning. Will Matt be able to come in?"
I almost started crying, and I asked what time he should come. She told me to go ahead and call him if he would be awake. I immediately went back out to the family room to call. Matt said he'd be there in a few minutes.
The nurses don't say much. I don't know all the rules about what they are and aren't allowed to tell us, but I know they don't tell us very much. They tell me if he fussed much during the night and how much breast milk he was able to take through his tube, what his weight and vitals were when they last checked-- those types of things. When we ask more detailed questions they always refer us to either the nurse practitioner or the neo-natologist. When I went back in after calling Matt the nurse noticed that I had been crying and she came and sat with me next to Jack's little bed. It's a heated bed since he can't yet maintain his own body heat, and it has clear plastic sides that fold down to make it easy to get to him when needed. She folded down the side closest to us so that I could rub my finger on his side and let him close his fist around my finger. Tears started again.
"It's not a bad talk," she said. "He'll explain when he gets here, but you should know that it's not a bad talk."
I nodded, because I couldn't talk.
The neonatologist came in just after Matt got there. He told us that Jack's improvements are significant enough to try taking him off of a few of the monitors one at a time. He gave us the order they would go in, and the timeline, and as long as all goes well we might be able to try to nurse by the end of the week. If nursing doesn't work out (it's more difficult for early babies I guess because they don't suck as well, and also he's been eating through a tube these last few weeks) then we will try the bottle. To go home he has to be able to eat well through either nursing or bottling, so it's a pretty significant step. And if he eats well he will have to stay just a few more days to prove that he can maintain his good health before he can come home.
So best case scenario, our little boy could be home by the end of next week. He is doing very well. I am a mess, but he is doing well. I will do better when he is home.
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