Thank you, akakarma

From akaKarma in the comments of last post:

You two are deservedly exhausted right now. Sometimes all you can do is retreat
to your separate corners and heal a bit, lick wounds before you are able to come
together again. The little stuff is the hardest stuff isn't it? It wears you
down. I was not prepared for marriage and motherhood and how hard it was. When
my H had hid A I was at the pinnacle of feeling like it was drudgery (even tho I
was crazy for my child) and I felt like I was slogging thru the mud every day. I
think he did too and found a way out in fantasy- a choice I like to think I
wouldn't have made. Hang in there and just see what happens- stop working so
hard to be perfect and connected- just be for awhile. If you both can just
commit to staying out of other relationships that might be enuf right now?

Wow, did that comment speak to me. Thank you very much for it.

I brought this up to Matt, and he was tremendously relieved. We're both tired of working hard at this-- it's all we've been doing for the last year, and we need a break. So our break has had the following rules: Spend time together or apart as we want to, no expectations on Matt sleeping in our room or not, no relationship talk (including separation), no seeing other people.

We've been on our "break" for a week, and Matt has come home at a decent hour almost every night since, and has asked me to watch movies or spend time with him a few evenings. He's slept in our bed with me every night but the first. Last night he asked what he could do to help me get my work life back on track.

Was I putting that much pressure on him-- on us? Apparently so and I didn't see it. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I never know how to deal with things anymore. This is just another example.

Akakarma? You may have saved us for now.

My Chosen Path

We all make decisions that direct our path. There are the big decisions that are easy to see-- mile markers if you will. Getting married or divorced, having a child, buying a house and other such choices are the mile markers in our lives. I remember a lot of things lately as "when I was pregnant with Michael" or "when Michael had just turned one" or "just after we got married". It's hard for me to say exactly when something happened by precise date until I think of the mile marker event that it is nearest to.

Those big decisions are so easy to see and it is easy to give them the proper weight that they deserve when considering your options. I thought for a long time about whether or not I should marry Matt and rightly so. It's a decision that changes the path of your life and there's no telling the new direction.

And then there are those small decisions that you can't know about or prepare for. Like choosing to take a certain route home-- not your normal route, but a way that gets you there just the same. You might get home the same as always, but you also might get in an accident you may not have gotten in if you had just kept to your normal route.

My chosen path, as Matt was referring to in last post, was my decision to stay and work things out in our relationship. He acknowledges that once he decided to stay that I also had a decision to make considering the devastation to our relationship post-affair. I chose to stay and work.

And this is how things have turned out. We kind of just survived until last February when something seemed to click inside Matt's head and suddenly he got it and made drastic changes. He's kept the big changes (no close relationships with other women, letting me know what he's up to when he's out outside of work hours, keeping his accounts and phone open to me, etc.) but all the small things? Poof. Disappeared.

Why?

He's tired of keeping it up.

And I understand that. I'm tired of this whole thing too. It's not about the affair anymore. It's about us and the problems we have in trying to maintain our relationship. I've been feeling particularly awful in this relationship for several weeks now. I kept trying to pinpoint the problem and couldn't so I finally decided that I must be in a weird place and I'd get over it. And then in having a mundane argument (something household related that I don't remember) he said that this is what I've chosen for myself. And that's when it hit me.

I've put myself here, and I hate where I am on my chosen path.

Back Again

Since I was last here...

1. We pulled Michael out of the daycare program he was in. Four of the teachers quit or resigned within one week, and that makes me really nervous about the management of the place. So we are looking for a new program or private care, which is really stressing me out for some reason. I don't even know why, but it's constantly on my mind.

2. Because of this, I'm kind of doing the stay-at-home mom thing right now, but trying to work at least part time because I need to get my income flowing again, and I can't do that unless I'm billing hours. So I'm doing mommy stuff most of the day and then working during Michael's afternoon naptime (which Jack currently sleeps through too, thank goodness!) and then for a few hours every evening after the boys are in bed. I'm going to need to start trying to get up earlier than them too and see if I can at least answer emails or something small before they get up.

3. Matt and I talked about separating last week. I can't talk to him anymore, and he works late so that he doesn't have to come home. I'm not sure how we got back here, but I know that this time around I don't care. I can't keep cycling through this with him. I can't do this every year for the rest of our lives. The thought of separating from him exhausts me... I'm worried about managing everything on my own, but at the same time, I'm already managing 95% on my own, what's that last 5% going to do to me? And at the same time, separating might be a relief... I'm tired of trying to make a relationship work when he's not doing his part anymore. When he was working at it things were going well. Now he's decided that he's done enough work and it should all be over by now. That's what he told me. He told me that I chose this path for us and I need to live with how it turned out.

So he's usually leaving for work before we're up in the morning (or he hangs around basically just long enough to say good morning to the boys) and then he doesn't come home until just before Michael's bedtime. He spends a little time with Michael for about 20 minutes before helping to put him to bed then retreats to his office and either comes to bed after I'm asleep or sleeps in the other room. No real decision has been made yet, so we'll see where this goes.

I apologize for being offline for awhile, but I've been trying to manage life here, and I don't really want to apologize for that, you know?

Update

Jack has been back in the hospital. He had an infection, and it's gone now but he just came home two days ago. Thank goodness for amazing doctors that were able to quickly diagnose and treat him.

Life is kind of falling apart right now. Matt is working a ton, all of my energy has gone into the boys, and I'm majorly stressed about getting back into work. Because of my extended absence I've lost a few clients and when I start contacting current clients on Monday I'm sure I'll find that they've found other options as well. I'm afraid I'm in for several months of rebuilding.

I haven't really seen Matt since Sunday night. He went to the hospital with me that night, and then I saw him briefly Monday morning before he went to work and I went to the hospital. He didn't come home until after 10 Monday night and last night. Hopefully work stuff will settle soon for him too...

Last Night

Last night I went to the hospital to see Jack and there was a new baby in the NICU. The parents came in after I'd been there for awhile, the father pushing the mother's wheelchair. He parked her as close to their baby's bed as he could, and she started crying when she saw their little one. He crouched next to her and I could tell that he was repeating back whatever it was that the doctor had told him about their little one. She broke down and sobbed into her hands. He put his arms around her and held her for the longest time. They talked again for a little while and then he kissed her lightly on the lips and the way he looked at her-- like he'd never been more in love, even though it was one of the most difficult places to be...


I want Matt to look at me like that. god, I want to look at him like that.

Lifting Fog

I woke up yesterday just after 5 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. After I rolled around for 20 minutes trying to settle in somewhere, Matt asked what was wrong. I was worried about Jack, but I didn't want to say that at first. I immediately flashed to anger because a part of me started screaming inside that he should know what was wrong-- Jack is still sick! Isn't that enough to keep me up?

I didn't say anything though. Thank goodness.

After a few near silent minutes I told him that I felt like I needed to see Jack right then. Matt didn't say anything for a second, and then he asked if I needed him to come too. I told him I didn't-- it was enough that he had asked.

I got to the hospital just after the sun came up. His overnight nurse was surprised to see me. I don't usually go in until closer to 8 a.m. As I washed my hands in preparation to go into the NICU, I asked about his overnight progress and she answered rather vaguely that he was doing as well as could be expected. She started to walk away and then said, "The doctor wants to talk to you and your husband this morning. Will Matt be able to come in?"

I almost started crying, and I asked what time he should come. She told me to go ahead and call him if he would be awake. I immediately went back out to the family room to call. Matt said he'd be there in a few minutes.

The nurses don't say much. I don't know all the rules about what they are and aren't allowed to tell us, but I know they don't tell us very much. They tell me if he fussed much during the night and how much breast milk he was able to take through his tube, what his weight and vitals were when they last checked-- those types of things. When we ask more detailed questions they always refer us to either the nurse practitioner or the neo-natologist. When I went back in after calling Matt the nurse noticed that I had been crying and she came and sat with me next to Jack's little bed. It's a heated bed since he can't yet maintain his own body heat, and it has clear plastic sides that fold down to make it easy to get to him when needed. She folded down the side closest to us so that I could rub my finger on his side and let him close his fist around my finger. Tears started again.

"It's not a bad talk," she said. "He'll explain when he gets here, but you should know that it's not a bad talk."

I nodded, because I couldn't talk.

The neonatologist came in just after Matt got there. He told us that Jack's improvements are significant enough to try taking him off of a few of the monitors one at a time. He gave us the order they would go in, and the timeline, and as long as all goes well we might be able to try to nurse by the end of the week. If nursing doesn't work out (it's more difficult for early babies I guess because they don't suck as well, and also he's been eating through a tube these last few weeks) then we will try the bottle. To go home he has to be able to eat well through either nursing or bottling, so it's a pretty significant step. And if he eats well he will have to stay just a few more days to prove that he can maintain his good health before he can come home.

So best case scenario, our little boy could be home by the end of next week. He is doing very well. I am a mess, but he is doing well. I will do better when he is home.

Melting

I'm having a very hard time right now. I've tried to write this post again and again in the last few days, but I suppose I'm out of words. At least for this. I feel like I'm being stretched a million different ways and there just isn't enough of me. I'm at the hospital a few times a day and trying to see Michael and sleep and eat in between those visits. Matt went back to work this week. I'm trying to believe that he didn't have a choice. He certainly painted it that way. I think he's just doing what he always does-- avoiding... finding an escape... I'm trying to believe him. There is no real reason to think he wouldn't be honest about needing to handle these cases right now, right? Except that my gut says not to trust him, and last time I felt like this he was having an affair... But I'm supposed to be able to trust him now, right? He has proven himself over the last few months. He's really done the work. He's been really involved. And I know that I pulled away first this time. I just can't handle all this. People keep saying to me how strong I am-- first with dealing with all the complications with Michael's birth, then dealing with the affair, and now with Jack being sick... It has nothing to do with strength. This is my life and there is nothing I can do but go through these things, apparently. I'm trying hard- I am... I just feel like I never get anywhere. Never. When do I get a chance at life being relaxed and easy for awhile? Why the hell is it never my turn? Just a week. Can I have 1 easy week? I need the break. I'm pulling too thin in all directions and I'm really feeling it. I know that not sleeping isn't helping. I want to sleep, but I can't. My doctor actually gave me something to help with that, but if I take it I want to sleep around the clock, and I need to be there with Jack.

Jack is doing alright. He hasn't been improving by much, but little by little we are seeing positive changes. Mostly he's maintaining, which is a good thing. I couldn't handle the rollercoaster much longer with him. Since he was born every time we went to visit there was more bad news, but in the last few days when I've gone in he's been either just how I left him or a little better. I needed this.

I can't ask Matt for help with this. This is one of those things where our thoughts on the topic are vastly different and I can't bear for him to shoot me down right now. He sees that Jack is getting better, so now he sees no need to worry about him or visit incessantly like I do. I *have* to be with him as much as I can. I HAVE to. I can't explain that to him, because he wouldn't understand. He understands things that have reasons and logic, and I can't explain this except to say that he's my baby and he's sick and I just have to be there with him. So we're pulling apart again, and it's because of me. But I have to. I don't think I have another choice. If he tells me that he doesn't think that I need to be there with Jack I will die inside. I can't hear those words from him. Life is already bad enough, hard enough-- if one more thing happens I will melt.

I just can't anymore.

Surviving

Jack had some complications from surgery so the 2 or 3 days afterwards we were pretty much at the hospital around the clock. We couldn't hold him-- he was just too fragile and there were too many lines and monitors to disturb. Then there was a whole day without any new complications coming up, and then another day, and then they slowly started taking him off of certain monitors. He's doing much better than he was and the only problems we've run into in the last 2 days have been minor and unrelated to the issues that put him in the NICU. We still don't know how long it will be until he is healthy enough to come home, but the neonatologist told us this morning maybe within a week or two. Having that kind of timeline has helped me to prepare myself in dealing with this next stage.

Michael is staying with grandparents. We were having to patch together a network of people to watch him while we were at the hospital, and it was really hard on him. So he is with grandparents now and much happier, but he really misses seeing me and Matt. This will all be over soon, but how do you explain that to your toddler? I mean he's a smart kid, but kids this age have no concept of time.

So that's the update. We're focusing on surviving right now, and praying for the end of all this.

Waiting

Jack (the new baby) is having a procedure done today. We're waiting. He's only been in for a little while but we have a long time more to wait until someone comes to talk to us about it. We've both been emailing and calling friends and family to let everyone know what is happening right now. I'm trying to keep busy. Busy is what I'm good at; waiting is where I suck.

The bad thing about the last year of my life has been that most of it I've spent waiting. Waiting for Matt to get his head out of his ass and figure out what he wanted, waiting to find the right meds for him, waiting for something to click in our multitudes of counseling sessions, waiting for my heart to feel something for him again, waiting for something in our lives to go right for once...

And here we are waiting again. Only this time not for us. We've been salvaged, even if there are still many pieces to mend. No, this time we're waiting for our son.

In the midst of all the worries specific to Jack, somewhere in the back of my mind the old fear has risen up-- what if this is the thing that separates me and Matt again? What if this is the thing that pushes us apart? Our natural tendencies are to withdraw from each other and look to ourselves for strength rather than each other. It has been incredibly hard, but we're trying to look to each other for help. Matt finally broke down last night and admitted that he couldn't carry all this alone.

I needed him to say that to me. I need him to need me in things like this.

Baby is Here

Baby (Jack) is here. I've just been released from the hospital, but he is still there and very very sick. We are looking at endless NICU time due to how early he is and his complications. Matt and I are basically living at the hospital right now. Thank god that my mother is able to be with our older son right now.

I am a million times better now that I am not pregnant and my body is rapidly recovering. For every little bit that I heal it seems like our son gets that much worse.

Matt was able to reschedule almost his entire month worth of work, but he has a few things each week that he absolutely must do. I spent much of yesterday informing my clients of the situation and referring them on to other people if necessary.

This has been so hard. The complications I had with Little Guy (Michael) were exactly that-- MY complications. He was healthy except for a bit of jaundice. I can deal with illness in myself, but not my kids. There is no end in sight for the baby. It seems like every time we take a break from the hospital to go eat or come home and sleep we come back to another setback or a progression in his illness, or another new worry popping up. I can hardly sleep because every time I do I dream that someone calls to tell us that he has died...

I needed so much to write all this down. I needed the release. In a way writing helps me to process things, and that is why this blog has been so helpful. I know you all come here to read about my relationship with Matt and the ups and downs there, but this is one of those things that will dramatically affect us in the days and weeks and months to come, and it is my life right now. It is the whole world right now.

Update

Sorry to be off so long, but I was in the hospital again. Baby is fine now, I'm fine now, just very tired. It is virtually impossible to sleep in a hospital between all the monitor lights, the little beeps, nurses constantly coming in for vitals... Just a few more weeks until it will be safe for this little one to come, but we discussed with the doctors all the specifics of having him early. They may need to take him early mostly for my health (which obviously affects baby's health) so we're trying to mentally prepare ourselves for a preemie. I go back to the doctor at the end of the week, and then if everything looks better every week thereafter. They want to keep a very close eye though, and if anything looks even slightly bad they'll admit me and keep me til the baby is born.


We're doing as well as can be expected right now I think. Matt was finally able to make a few changes at work so that he can be home more with our son. The kid is taking this really hard. He's not used to being in full time care like he's been for the last several weeks. He likes his teacher very well, but he's used to being with me more, so he's getting some much needed daddy time and visits with me as long as daddy is there to help supervise.


I'm trying to be as unstressed as possible. Which is nearly impossible for a person like me. I'm trying to focus on keeping myself healthy and positive.

Just a few more weeks...

Depression

The depression is getting worse. I had a doctor's visit this morning and I brought it up and the doctor wants me to see if I can wait to go on meds until after the baby is born. So I'm going to try a couple of dietary changes and he recommended a few vitamin supplements, so I'm going to try that. Hopefully it will at least take the edge off of things. He seems to think it's related to the bedrest, and the more I've thought about it since the appointment I think he's right. This isn't about Matt. He really isn't doing anything wrong. I'm not suicidal or anything, just down and crying a lot and feeling a lot of hopelessness for life in general. I'm so used to being crazy busy, and laying around like this is really getting to me.

Worries

As you can probably tell from the time stamp I'm up way late. I can't sleep anymore. Too much laying around from bedrest. So I'm out on the couch so that I don't keep Matt up. Only a few more weeks til we hit a safe point and then I can be up to semi-normal things without fear of baby coming too soon. I have to keep reminding myself how important the rest is so that I don't go absolutely nuts.

I've written this post over and over trying to find the right way to say what I'm feeling right now. I guess the only thing to say is that I'm absolutely petrified.

I feel completely neglected and disconnected from Matt in the past 4-5 days. He's still taking care of everything he's supposed to . . . except me. And this is what I've been afraid of. This feels exactly like this point in my pregnancy with Little Guy. Matt was so busy taking care of everything else that he forgot about me and when he got back to me he found me busy trying to adjust to a new baby and struggling with depression and he went elsewhere.

We've talked about this. He knows what I think, and he doesn't believe it's the same. He keeps saying that he knows better this time. I'm sure that's true, but I still feel like I'm on the outside of everything knocking on the door to be let in, and him completely ignoring my cries. My brain is telling me to cut everything off now so that I won't be hurt again in a few months. It's hard to give Matt the benefit of the doubt when my gut is screaming for me to run.

There's no reason to think that there's anything going on with Matt and OW or anyone else. I think this is just my insides trying to protect me from the potential possibilities.

I don't feel like he's listening any more. I feel like he thinks I have nothing to offer him right now since I'm not out in the world doing and experiencing. And I think I'm a little depressed from the bedrest. I feel completely cut off from everyone right now, not just Matt, and that has really hit me hard. I didn't think it would be this bad. I feel like an annoyance to him. I know he has no idea what I'm going through physically and mentally in regards to the baby, but I desperately wish that he would just make an effort to try to understand. I feel like he instantly shuts me off if I say anything about how I'm feeling that day or any worries I have about the baby. Maybe he's tired of hearing about it, but I really need to talk about it. It's the healthiest way I know to cope with the fears I'm having, and I NEED to do it. I wish he would understand that.

Can PPD start before the baby is born? Maybe that's the problem. I feel terrible. I'm anxious and upset all the time.

Reliance

One of my biggest fears during this pregnancy has been that Matt will flake out on me when the baby actually comes. When we had our son he was awesome in the hospital taking care of things, but the second we got home it was all up to me to take care of myself and the baby post surgery. He didn't completely back out of life; he did the token dad thing. He'd come home from work and say hi to the baby and me and hold him for short times every once in awhile but basically go about life as if absolutely nothing had changed. On the other hand, my entire world had been flipped upside down. I had medical complications from the birth that took over 3 months to completely take care of, and the depression issues that I have struggled with all my life came up again as Post-Partum Depression. I was just beginning to do better with the PPD when D-day came.

I have been so worried that this time will be a repeat. We've talked briefly about it a handful of times. He knows that it worries me, and he's been quick to reassure me that things are different now. And they are different now, but still... what is going to be the one thing that triggers a reoccurence? Will the stress of having another newborn send him back to that same place?

I've been on bedrest for a few weeks now, and I've been in the hospital once. They were able to stop the contractions and I'm home now, but under strict orders to be in bed. I'm done working until I'm cleared by my doctor to go back (probably 6 weeks post-partum). Thank god for understanding clients.

And thank god for Matt.

I didn't think I'd be able to say that, but Matt has really stepped up and been amazing. He's not only taking care of household cleaning (he's hired someone to come in weekly, and I don't care as long it gets done and he's the one that made all the arrangements) but he's taking care of the details of getting our son to and from daycare, and finding someone to care for Little Guy if he has to work in the evenings or on weekends. He's been working from home as much as possible to be available to me to get food and things that I need and take me to the doctor, and he's been taking the time to care for me emotionally. I've been so worried about the baby and crying at least once a day (which is completely out of character for me) and he has been there to really help me instead of offering up the bland "everything will be fine" spiel.

I almost don't know what to think. I really didn't expect this. I thought he would disengage by now. I thought he'd make a good effort for a few days and that he'd get tired of taking care of everything, but here he is, three weeks into this mess and still going. It boosts the trust little by little, but I'm not ready to make the leap into believing that he'll support us the whole way. The big test will actually be once the baby comes. Then I might be able to say that I know for sure that he has changed. I'm just waiting. I can't afford to assume too much. I'm emotional enough now as it is-- I can't handle that kind of disappointment on top of this. But at the same time, he is doing so well, and I want to give him credit for that. I guess I'm waiting to see if he's really in this for the long term. We've only really been doing well and making significant strides for 4 months, even though d-day was over a year ago.

So can I rely on him? I'm glad to say that so far it's been a big fat yes. But I'm still taking it day by day, and hoping for the best. I need to have hope right now.

The Ring Thing

Do you wear your rings since you found out about the affair?


I took them off for the period of time right after I found out until he committed to staying, and then I put them back on with enormous relief. When the anger phase hit about a month later I took them off for a long time. When I found out I was pregnant and got over the shock I put them back on for about a week, but then I couldn't do it emotionally and I took them back off half-heartedly blaming it on swelling hands (which is true at this point, but not when I first took them off) and I've been ringless ever since.


Matt wants to buy me a simple band that fits for right now until the swelling and stuff does go away-- something to wear for while I'm in this last stage of pregnancy (aka whale status) and in the few weeks after before my hands get back to normal. It's only the second comment he's ever made about me not wearing my rings. (The original comment was back when I first took them off. I think he noticed right away, but he didn't say anything for about a week. Then he asked why I didn't wear them, and I simply told him I couldn't and left it at that. He was very sad about it, but hasn't bothered me about it since.)


I told him I really had to think about it. It felt at first like the few times he's asked if I would be willing to renew our vows, and every time he's asked I've felt physically ill, and worse the more I thought about. This time with the ring thing, I've been thinking about it for a few days, and it makes me feel a little hopeful. He's been really open about how important this is to him, and in a way it's the most vulnerable he's been in a little while. And I don't feel sick thinking about letting him put on another ring. So this is what I think I'm going to tell him:


I'll do the simple band, but I don't want anything expensive. And I'll use this as a first step toward the possibility of renewing our vows (with no promises). I know he would like to renew next year on our aniversary (7 years) and I want to let him know that I'm honestly thinking about it, but not making guarantees. I don't want to completely shut him down, when I haven't shut the idea completely out of my mind yet. There's still a tiny piece of me that wants that romantic sweep-me-off-my-feet-again moment, but it's just a sliver.

I wrote this post a few days ago and let it sit to see if there was anything I wanted to add. Since then Matt and I have talked about this and my fears connected with the rings. We both have a new plain inexpensive band with the intention of buying really nice good bands if/when we renew vows. I hope to get to that point one day, but I've made him no guarantees that it will be at next year's anniversary like he hopes. But I haven't ruled it out.

We're exchanging our bands tomorrow night.

Feeling Love

Do any of you in the reconciliation process really feel that you love your spouse? Not the deep love that keeps you there in the first place... that *feeling* of loving them? I'm still numb a lot of the time. Numb isn't exactly the word I mean, but it's the closest I can think of. I don't feel anything strongly towards him. Not anger or hate or love or happiness... there's no real emotion there anymore. That's one thing that still makes me wonder if maybe he and I should split even with all the hard work we've both put into making this work. It's just a tiny nagging thought. Now there is just... comraderie maybe. Friend-ness. He's the guy I hang out with and laugh with and raise children with. Not the guy I'm passionately in love with.

For a long while I went through an anger phase where just about everything pissed me off, even things that weren't specific to the affair. But I took that as a sign that there was still some kind of spark there between us, because I just don't get to that kind of rage without there being an intense level of connection there. I don't get that angry with just anyone, you know? So I thought that that level of hurt and frustration and anger was an indicator of the love I had for him-- the betrayal factor was higher because I loved him so much.

Now, not so much. Maybe it's because before this happened I couldn't imagine my life without him. Now I can. I've had to do that, and I'm still partially prepared to make that leap if I have to.
Maybe I've just incorrectly defined love all this time. Some girls think love=sex or love=money or whatever... I saw love=lifetime and commitment, and I don't mean that in the cheesy cliched way that so many women think of those ideas. My idea of commitment was truely lifetime through all that is ugly and hard to deal with. I've handled a lot of things with this man when I really wanted to run away, but I didn't because of that commitment. His infidelity has just been the sharpest blow. I don't see love that way anymore. Even though things are going well right now, I always think there might be a coming day when there could be a split-- and probably not over an affair. Before d-day I *never once* imagined it.

Is this just my pessimism at its finest? I really struggle with that part of my personality. I'm constantly fighting against it in my work life and now it's in my personal life. I feel like I'm pulling the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" scam that he tried to pull on me on d-day. Maybe the deeper love I feel I have for him isn't really there. The "in love" thing definitely isn't there, and I doubt it ever will be. Maybe I've fooled myself into believing the deeper love exists between us to justify the fact that I'm staying with him even after this betrayal.

I know that the "right" answer to all of this is that the deeper love is more important and that the "in love" feeling fades. But I want to feel *something* again. It doesn't have to be grand and romantic and storybook... but it needs to be real.

Is it one of those "fake it til you make it" things? Like if we keep putting in the time and energy and work that it will come back for me? That I'll be able to look at him and think how much I love him? I have very specific memories of looking over at him while he was watching t.v. or reading or something totally boring and thinking, "god, I love this man."

I want something like that back.

And when I am honest with myself, I want it with Matt.

Hearing the Words

Despite a much better pregnancy this time, I'm starting to have some problems. I don't want to go into any details, but it looks like I'll be on bedrest for at least a few weeks to help this little one mature enough to have a good chance. If things progress I may be going into the hospital early. If that happens, things will go silent here for awhile. Don't worry-- we're probably fine. I had much worse complications with Little Guy and he and I came through just fine. I'm not terribly worried, just trying to be reasonably cautious.

Thank god for my laptop and an awesome care provider for our son. I'm so worried about how Little Guy is going to deal with things already, and to add on top that I'm sick and he's not old enough to really understand why I can't get down on the floor to play trucks, or even to get him a cup. I'm not to get up except for bathroom, food and shower. How do you explain that to a toddler? It makes it a little harder that I'm home and available to him more hours a day now that my big contract is up. My work week is drastically cut back (thank goodness!), but that means that my son thinks that means I should be able to play the whole time. I'd love to, but it just can't be. I'm allowed to work from bed, but that means no client meetings. Clients have been wonderful about the sudden change, and I just have to keep my updates going to keep them happy. I can do all of that from the computer, no need to be up.

Matt and I are doing okay. I wish he would show his concern more, but I know he keeps from telling me when he's worried about me because he doesn't want to worry me more. When I was in labor with Little Guy and they told me I had to go in right away for surgery, he told me I'd be great and so would the baby, and then he went out in the hall with his mom and cried like crazy. He told me later he thought he'd lose both of us. Of course, he didn't tell me that until almost a year later, and only because we had a session concerning the trauma of our son's birth...

I will never really understand this part of it-- the fact that I have told him over and over that he needs to tell me these things means nothing. He still holds back. Because of that I felt like he didn't really care that I and the baby were having problems back then, and I'm feeling pretty much the same thing right now. This time I know better, but the feeling is still there. It makes me wonder a little if he really doesn't care as much this time since he knows I've come through much worse. He's been trying to come home earlier and leave a little later in the morning to spend time with little guy, and he's taken over all the household stuff that I usually do. To him that says "I care, I'm concerned, I love you." And I know that now. But a girl still likes to hear it in real words.

That Belated D-day Post

D-day was just bad. I was on the verge of tears all day long and when we got to counseling I just cried and cried. There was no real reason behind it, no particular trigger, but I couldn't help it. Maybe it's because I haven't cried about anything in so long. Matt sat there looking bewildered the whole time. He really didn't know what to do, and that's the bad part for him. There really is nothing for him to do for me when this hits me except to make me feel that it's okay that I feel this way. There's nothing he can do to fix this. It just has to be how it is when emotions like this come up. He hates that part because he wants to fix absolutely everything.

There was no real progress and not a ton of talking; I just cried. It was like mourning the loss of our relationship again. The good thing is I felt much better the day after-- like I had to get rid of some of that stress or something.

The worst day was actually on Sunday. Last year that was the day that he went to see Jessica one last time before he really committed to being here with our family. He was barely gone at all to see her (a little under 45 minutes) but it felt like a week. I had actually been doing okay on Sunday until we went shopping and ran into Jessica. She saw us right after I saw her and I thought for a second she was going to come over. Matt grabbed my arm and steered me the other way. After that I couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities-- what if she started calling or texting or emailing again? What if he started it? What if this was the beginning of the end? What if, what if, what if... And that went on for ages. I still don't know if I'm completely done dealing with that little 5 second ordeal. I feel so psychotic sometimes, and this is one of them.

Bad thing is that that little encounter triggered an episode for Matt and he's been in a major down spiral ever since. He's taking his meds regularly and sleeping a lot, but this episode is far different than anything I've ever experienced with him. Usually he is very irritable and snaps at everything for a week or two, but this time he's sunk so low that it's hard to watch. In his own way he's reliving last year, this time with the tremendous weights of remorse and regret. It's getting better day by day but we probably still have another week or two to ride out. At least these episodes are getting further apart-- the medication has helped so much now that we've got all the dosage stuff sorted out.

There are only a few more affair-related anniversaries for me to get through and then I'm done for this year. I can focus on life in the present and hope that next year's affair anniversaries will be a little easier to go through. I know it will still be rough, but hopefully it will lesson a little bit each year.

Be Back Soon

I know I said I'd post again earlier this week with a real post, but Little Guy and I are both down with a virus. I'm finally starting to get over it, but Little Guy is really struggling and miserable. I'll be back once we get back on our feet. I'm working in little bits on that post I promised about our D-Day anniversary, so when I get it done I'll post.

Naming Things

You'll notice that names have been assigned to the major players in my story. The list is on the right, just so that everyone knows what's going on. Names will be easier to use than the initials I've been using all along, and now that I really know I'm sticking with this blogging thing it's just better and easier for all of us.

Yesterday was *the day* and we marked the occasion by sitting in counseling for quite a long time. I did not do so well yesterday, and today is not looking any better. I'll write a proper post about it later tonight.