Friday, November 24, 2006

Stunned Silence

Sorry to be away for a few weeks, but family life demanded it. This will be a short post, because I'm still in shock.

I'm pregnant.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Bad Dreams

How do you know when it's time to give up?

On Tuesday it will have been 6 months since I found out about the affair. Last night I woke up with an awful dream about WS and OW and spent about 2 hours in the middle of the night googling her name and going through WS's computer files and the cell phone records. I didn't find anything on his phone or computer, but I found an old blog with her name attached. It wasn't much of anything, but I was oddly glad to have found *something*.

I felt like I was going crazy. I was searching like mad for something-- any little bit of "dirt" I could dig up. I finally calmed down and got back to sleep, only to have to get up with my son a few times and have another dream about the two of them. The thing is, this wasn't a dream. It was like a playback from the week following my discovery of the affair. Specifically WS telling me that he was coming back because leaving me for her would have meant losing his integrity as a man. And specifically when I was driving somewhere I saw the two of them together in a parking lot hugging and kissing after he had told me that he was coming back to me and had cut off contact with her.

I told him this morning that I can't stand the fact that he didn't come back out of wanting to be with me vs. wanting to be with her. I feel like because he came back as "the right thing to do" I have to just bide my time until he feels unhappy with our relationship again and this happens all over again. He says that now he knows that he loves me and doesn't want to ever jeopardize our relationship again, but the sad truth is that our relationship can never be what it was before, and he doesn't want to accept that. He honestly thinks that if he does enough to make up for this that things will go back to "normal" aka pre-affair status.

It just doesn't work that way.

I want to give up. I'm ready to do that emotionally.