Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Okay. So, pregnant. I'm terrified. WS thinks we'll be just fine and sees this a positive step forward in our relationship. I reminded him of how hard pregnancy is on me physically and this time it's been worse than with our son. I reminded him of how much I slept and how sick I was (and how sick I've already been) and I reminded him that in therapy he pointed at that very thing from my first pregnancy and claimed that me having to take care of myself that much was the very thing that caused the disconnect between us that led to his affair.

Even understanding that this pregnancy will be much the same if not more so, he thinks we'll be just fine.

So I'm left wondering where his brains have run off to.

Last time I was ill throughout the pregnancy and had several complications leading to an early induction and ultimately an emergency c-section. Because of the horrible event that was my son's birth, my recovery was quite a bit longer than most women's recoveries, especially because I contracted a post partum infection that took a long time to be properly diagnosed and taken care of. And apparently, it was all these health issues that caused the disconnect between us.

I can't not take care of myself this time just so that he doesn't feel neglected or disconnected or whatever. So far I've been sick 24 hours a day and I could easily sleep 14-16 hours a day if only I didn't have to work and care for my son. When I say "take care of myself" I mean I'm trying to hang on to my sanity I'm so ill, not that I'm trying to pamper myself and make myself out to be the queen of the world just because I'm going to pop out another kid. No, I'm really just trying to keep some fluids in my body and trying to do the things I have to (mostly work) and that's it.

All I keep thinking to myself is that this signals the end. Whatever progress I felt we were making? I can feel it all fading away, and WS is in such extreme denial that it hurts to hear him talk about it. He really does think everything will be dandy after we "adjust", but he seems to forget where we have been before this.