Friday, March 28, 2008


Matt is going through a big change at work. He's not in danger of losing his job or anything, but just a lot of changes to the company and management and shifts in his own schedule to accomodate the changes. This is stressing him quite a bit and has been for the last 6 weeks or so. He's downright pissy all the time.

I'm not a big fan of change myself, but I know this about myself and I try incredibly hard not to take it out on Matt or the kids. Last night he started an argument over the silliest thing. He thought he'd told me about an after work commitment when he hadn't, so when he was getting ready to leave and I asked where he was going he got upset and said, "you know. I told you about this last week." then refused to tell me about it like a pouting 10 year old. He accused me of never listening to him when he tells me things, and then after ranting and raving a bit, it dawned on him that he MIGHT not have told me. Did he apologize for his accusations? Not one bit. Did he repeat himself over and over about how I never listen to him? Oh yes... though it is difficult to listen and remember his schedule when HE NEVER EVEN SAYS THOSE WORDS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

I tried to chalk it up to him being stressed and nit picking because of his own stress, so this morning I joked gently with him about it and asked if he was still mad. And would you believe that he exploded all over again? I'm seriously dumbfounded. It was all big fat "woe is me" whining about how hard his life is and how I can never truly understand how difficult every single day of his life is. If I could walk in his shoes for a moment then I'd know and I'd stop ticking him off all the time.


After awhile, I said very softly, "I think I've heard enough." And he yelled at me to stop muttering under my breath. I said it again and added. "Whenever you're finished with this rampage, please let me know." I told him I didn't appreciate the fact that he was taking everything out on me when I've done nothing to "tick him off". He then pulled out the "Well, I work more than you and earn more and do more for us than you do" card... what he doesn't seem to remember though, is that I do all of our financial stuff, and funny thing- I earn more than him and the only way he works more hours than I do is because of his insane commute time. Funny how he hated that I pointed that out.

I did a very insane thing then and told him how lazy he's been and how that's ticking ME off. He's been getting home from work and literally laying on the couch or hiding in our room for the 2 hours til our boys go to bed. He ignores me, ignores the kids and does his own thing because he "needs down time". He comes in to do the good father show of tucking the boys in, but then he's back to being a lounge lizard for the rest of the evening while I finish cleaning up the kitchen from dinner and picking up toys and working a little more.

About 2 weeks ago I told him I needed more time and help from him. I thought it had been a productive discussion. All I asked was that when he gets home from work that he asked me what tasks I had left to accomplish, and that he help me do them so that we can both relax in the evening, and hopefully spend some of that new free time together. This involves him playing with the boys so that I can clean up dinner things, or helping me fold that last load of laundry or giving the boys their baths so that I can put laundry away-- nothing to strenuous, I promise. He agreed with me and said I definitely deserved some help with all I'm doing and that he would help. That next day he came home and did just what he had promised, and I thought it had worked out wonderfully. He didn't seem to mind it at all, but apparently he only agreed that I deserved help in theory because that's the only time he did what he had agreed to. I mistakenly started offering up excuses for him in my mind, a habit I am really trying to kill. I immediately went to the "Stress at work" excuse for him followed by "really tired" and "not feeling well". The truth is, he is just being a lazy ass. Of course, he doesn't call it lazy- it is well-deserved "down time".

During all the arguing this morning, I finally just asked him if there was something he wanted to get off his chest. I told him I'd rather him just be honest and get it over with, because rarely does someone get this cranky over little tiny things unless there is a big huge thing eating at them. He said he didn't want to say, and I told him that the cat was out of the bag, and that unless he'd murdered or raped someone, there wasn't really much that would shock me anymore.

So he told me that he just doesn't like me or anyone else right now, and that he'll get over it soon.

I told him he'd better get over it in the next day or two, or there would be no one here to take it all out on if he continues to treat me like this.

So he left. He said, "this is ridiculous!" and he walked out like he'd played no part in the arguing. He came back this evening, and the only way I can tell that something is wrong is that he is uncharacteristically quiet. Otherwise he pretended like nothing ever happened.

I don't know what to do. I can account for his time, so I'm not struggling with trust issues in regards to infidelity. I am NOT going to let him yell at me whenever he's stressed out though. He said he didn't like me much right now, and you know what? I'm not liking him either. I don't know what's going on here yet, but something is up.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

John, Part 3

One of the things I miss about my relationship with John was that outside of arguing maintaining our relationship seemed effortless for the most part. We went about doing whatever we did- working our jobs, seeing friends, being with each other-- without much work. I'm trying not to idealize that time in my life, but to be honest it's difficult not to. I remember that time as so easy and free. Of course, there was the trade off of all the fighting, and I wouldn't wish that back either.

I guess my question is, what is it about work in a relationship? Should you have to work this hard to maintain a good relationship? Is there never a place where a couple can relax for a bit and truly trust that their relationship is safe? I'm not talking about sitting back and assuming that life will stay grand forever. I suppose what I'm wishing for right now is to not feel the constant need to be aware of our relationship "status". We're doing very well right now, but I feel the need to take an inventory at night-- Did I listen to him when he talked about work? Did he take the time to listen to me about the kids and about my workday? Did we make time for each other? Did we show affection to each other? I wish to feel secure enough in my relationship that I could just settle in, knowing that everything would be good again the next day and go to sleep without worrying about where my place is in my husband's mind and heart. I know that I'm his priority right now, but I find myself obsessing to be sure I'm doing the "right" things to be sure there is no reason for him to think otherwise.

I have never worked so hard in my life on any relationship as I have worked over the past 2 years. I dare say the same about Matt. I'm tired though. I don't want to lose all the good things we have gained from all this effort, but I need to rest. I need to be secure in our relationship so that I can be a little selfish and take care of myself for a few days. The problem lies with me I know. God- I wish there was a switch where I could turn off the annoying part of me that worries an insane amount over trivial things.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008


It seems like this life provides us with too many and too few choices. Sorry to be quizzical- I'm in a mood.

We're heading into another anniversary. The actual date is still about 2 months away, but I can't get it out of my head. I keep dreaming about things related to it, it pops up in my thoughts during the day, it seems to be everpresent. It got bad enough that I woke up in the middle of the night last night and did stupid googling of Jessica's usernames and all that. It has almost been 2 years, but I'm apparently still not above this. When I finally got back to sleep I dreamed about hunting her down at her job and having it out with her-- no violence, but boy did I give her a tongue-lashing. I'm so passive agressive it's ridiculous! I couldn't even beat the girl up in my dream...

It's times like this that I wonder if I made the right choice to stay with Matt. Most of the time I think yes. We've made so much forward progress, and we've been genuinely getting along so well that I hope desperately that we continue to improve and grow together. But sometimes I still have that "no" in my mind. Am I still going to be stressed and worried over these anniversaries years from now? Is this seriously going to hang in the back of my mind for the rest of my marriage?

This is year 2. It should get better after awhile, yes? So what is it- 5 years? 10 years? Never? I'm trying to be realistic, as always.