Friday, October 26, 2007


I've been tagged by akakarma-- so I'll play.

1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.

So, seven weird facts about me...

1. I always do the crosswords in the daily paper. I do them in little bits throughout the day, but if I don't get it finished before bed I dream about the clues. Very weird, I know.

2. If there is more than one item on my dinner plate, I eat clockwise and all of one item before moving on to the next, starting with the food I like the least. It's some kind of strange compulsion.

3. I have to have things organized in front of me before I can start any type of project. I used to make endless amounts of lists and charts on paper, but now I have a folder on my computer just for my list-making.

4. I always hope that fortune cookies will prove to be true.

5. I'm on a diet (a fact which is neither strange nor random, but is making me progressively grumpier).

6. I used to read like crazy. Even after Michael was born I spent any free time reading book after book. I can't remember the last book I read for pleasure...

7. When I was a kid my mom told me that she thought I would grow up to be in a certain profession and I did just about everything possible to ensure that that wouldn't happen (just because I have this undeniable urge to do the precise opposite of absolutely everything she says). Yet, here I am, in exactly the place she predicted I'd be. And she was right- I do love my job.

I won't tag anyone, but if you do decide to play along with this, post a comment here so I can come and read your post. :)

Monday, October 08, 2007

Love Languages

We finished reading the Love Languages book. I started it back in June and then it got put aside until this week, and Matt and I had a sort of marathon reading session.

Matt's love language is acts of service, specifically the house being clean. That speaks volumes to him when I get things done around the house. Of course that's the lowest score I had, and it is the hardest one for me to do because I just don't think that way. I'm trying very hard this week and I've been somewhat successful. I'll get better.

My love language is physical touch. I need that type of contact all the time or I feel completely cut off. And once again Matt and I are opposites and that is his lowest score. He doesn't think of touching me affectionately outside of sex so it doesn't happen often. He has promised to try to be better too, just as I'm trying to be better about acts of service for him.

It was nice to have something structured to talk through. Half the time when we talk about us I feel like we both just ramble aimlessly. Apparently we need to go to counseling more often to relearn how to talk to each other.

Friday, October 05, 2007


We've had a few weeks now of "normal" life. Jack is doing well, Michael is well, and I'm getting back into work (still stressed there but things are coming together). We've pretty much adjusted to the boys being home with me for now, but we're still looking for part time care so that I can be a little more productive when I'm working rather than working in 10 minutes intervals.

Matt and I haven't been talking about any relationship stuff. To be honest it has been hard for me because this has consumed my brain for over a year now (save the time when Jack was born and in the hospital) and I went about 3 lovely days without thinking about it and then the other night woke up in a panic with all these horrible relationship related thoughts pounding through my head. I didn't talk to Matt about it. I'm trying to talk myself down. I know Matt has appreciated the break though, and that is worth it.

I'm feeling psychotic again. It's how I spent all of last summer and fall-- feeling like a maniac. Only then it was because I compulsively went over every detail of Matt's day, checking his phone and bank records, searching his computer, everything I could possibly do to make myself feel like he might really be telling the truth. I needed hard evidence of that fact. I haven't been searching again. I feel crazy now because the stress in my life is eating me alive. Just the work of trying to take care of our financial situation keeps me up til ungodly hours. We're in pretty bad shape now because I've basically not been working since July, and before that was working in a very limited capacity. So we've eaten through half of our savings even though we cut back our living expenses quite a bit when I went on bed rest, and we're still waiting on a few hospital bills to get through the insurance process.

I'm really struggling with PPD this time. Or maybe it's not PPD and it's general depression. I don't know. I really don't feel overwhelmed by the mothering part of life. I'm loving having my boys home with me most of the time. It's the rest of life that is sucking me dry. Finances, trying to get work going again, Matt... if I have to give any more of myself, I'm going to fall over. I really feel like I'm alone in dealing with everything, and if I bring anything up I'm putting stress on Matt that he doesn't want/need and that will just push him away again.

I don't know how to balance things right now. I can't seem to talk to him about things that really need to be addressed without it turning into a major fiasco, but keeping it to myself is eating me up. I am a smart woman. Why the hell can't I figure out how to bring order to my life?

I'm feeling very foolish right about now.