So That Baby Thing...

Not exactly good timing, no doubt. Never something I or WS would have chosen at this particular time in our lives. Whether you think it's a brilliant thing or not it's just how it is, and it's part of the story of how everything is happening. We weren't being irresponsible-- we were using two forms of birth control, and I was supposedly never able to conceive without major medical intervention-- after all, that's what it took to have our son, and our doctor told us we should count our blessings that we managed to conceive him. He also told us our chances of conceiving another child were incredibly low, and that the money would be better spent pursuing adoption.

We never once thought of terminating. I could easily blame it on religious upbringing or some sense of morality, but it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with this being my child. I want this child so much and even though the thought of having 2 kids sometimes makes me nervous, I know that once this one is born we'll adjust and manage and be fine. It is simply my choice to make, and no one elses. You can think what you want, but in the end it comes down to me and my husband to make the decision.

WS and I are working on things. We are both working hard, and while we had that brief lapse on his meds, we're doing really well. We've been talking about the little things happening between us-- the little upsets that couples have instead of letting the problems grow between us, and often it's WS that is the one reminding me of what we need to do to work through stuff. We haven't argued just to argue in ages, but we aren't living our lives side by side anymore either. We're both actually taking care of our relationship and have been for awhile now. Issues are being dealt with in a healthy way and I no longer feel unheard in our relationship. Counseling has been tremendously helpful and our counselor has actually said that after a few more sessions he thinks he'll be through with us.

Yes, adding an infant to the mix will change the dynamic in the household. But we've done infancy before, and we have a good idea of how it works this time (exhaustion, feedings, etc.). We also know ourselves and our relationship better, and I believe that we will be able to take care of each other this time around.

This pregnancy has been so different than my first regarding the relationship with my husband. He's been involved and understanding; he has really taken care of me this time around. I believe that will carry over after the baby is born. And if it doesn't, I know how to actually work things out with him this time around.

That gives me a lot of hope.

And down we go...

WS's mood has been volatile for the last few years. He goes way up and way down a zillion times a day, and it was really bad just before I found out about the affair. He's been on meds to help even things out, and as long as he takes them he's very pleasant to be around. I don't have to guess which husband is going to greet me in the evening. Of course, the key phrase is "as long as he takes them"-- and he's been sporadic over the last 2 weeks.

He crashed yesterday and came home in a rage after a bad day at work. I want to be clear that he has never threatened me or our son in any way. He isn't violent or even belittling-- he is just angry. He bangs things around and gets horribly upset over stupid things like running out of spoons or our son's toys not being 100% picked up. And then after all that he retreats to the office and sulks for ages.

I hate this. I've dealt with depression and antidepressants in my past, and I know how it is to be that angry at nothing, or to feel like the world would be a better place if I'd just melt away. But I'm over it. I did the meds and therapy for a long time, and I'm better now. I've worked through my crap, and I don't live my life in that way anymore. But watching him go through all of this too has been really hard. We're going to see his doctor today to talk about why he can't skip meds (even if it's a "good" day) and about what I can do to help him stay with it. He's also in therapy on his own, and he says he told his therapist last night that he'd been skipping days and was appropriately warned about what that can do to him. He had just the right amount of detail to his story that I believe that he was honest with his therapist.

I want to help him, but I wish that he wouldn't drag me down with him. I'm willing to support and help, but I feel like he thinks that I can only help if I'm along for the ride, and I can't go there again. I won't do that to myself or my kids. I'm a better person now, and he's taking the steps to help himself be better too, but he imagines that the journey should be faster than it is. It's a long bad road, and I honestly don't think that he expected that-- even after what I and his doctor and therapist all told him.

So I'm hoping he can stick with the meds and therapy. He knows that I need him to do that. I'm hoping that I can keep myself separate enough that I don't go down with him, but connected enough that he knows he has my love and support.

Function

This has been one of those crazy weeks. Between my work and WS's we have barely seen each other or our son, and I'm realizing that this fact might be a breaking point for our relationship. I think WS has felt it too. We're planning for things to change on both ends, but the changes don't go into effect until May. One of my big contracts is up that month and I'm not going to pursue another big client like that for awhile. WS is making a similar concession in his work (I don't want you to get the impression that I'm the only one sacrificing here) and we just have to make it until then.

I feel like we're actually thinking like a family now. The things WS has come to me and asked to talk about have really been about pursuing the best interests of our family, and it makes me feel like I can actually plan for our future a little bit.

But at the same time, this separation because of outside obligations is eating on me. I feel lonely again, even when he's next to me for that half hour or so when he's home. There's so little time to be together right now that our time is spent on mechanics-- who's picking up our son from daycare tomorrow, can you take care of this when you get a chance, did you pay that bill... and there's no love in that. Just function. And I understand that that is how it is right now. And I realistically can't expect the same things of him as he's been doing for the past few weeks. There's no time for him to do that stuff, and to be honest, there's no time for me to enjoy it.

It doesn't make the loneliness go away though.

We both have the weekend off. Hopefully there will be a reconnection.