WS's mood has been volatile for the last few years. He goes way up and way down a zillion times a day, and it was really bad just before I found out about the affair. He's been on meds to help even things out, and as long as he takes them he's very pleasant to be around. I don't have to guess which husband is going to greet me in the evening. Of course, the key phrase is "as long as he takes them"-- and he's been sporadic over the last 2 weeks.
He crashed yesterday and came home in a rage after a bad day at work. I want to be clear that he has never threatened me or our son in any way. He isn't violent or even belittling-- he is just angry. He bangs things around and gets horribly upset over stupid things like running out of spoons or our son's toys not being 100% picked up. And then after all that he retreats to the office and sulks for ages.
I hate this. I've dealt with depression and antidepressants in my past, and I know how it is to be that angry at nothing, or to feel like the world would be a better place if I'd just melt away. But I'm over it. I did the meds and therapy for a long time, and I'm better now. I've worked through my crap, and I don't live my life in that way anymore. But watching him go through all of this too has been really hard. We're going to see his doctor today to talk about why he can't skip meds (even if it's a "good" day) and about what I can do to help him stay with it. He's also in therapy on his own, and he says he told his therapist last night that he'd been skipping days and was appropriately warned about what that can do to him. He had just the right amount of detail to his story that I believe that he was honest with his therapist.
I want to help him, but I wish that he wouldn't drag me down with him. I'm willing to support and help, but I feel like he thinks that I can only help if I'm along for the ride, and I can't go there again. I won't do that to myself or my kids. I'm a better person now, and he's taking the steps to help himself be better too, but he imagines that the journey should be faster than it is. It's a long bad road, and I honestly don't think that he expected that-- even after what I and his doctor and therapist all told him.
So I'm hoping he can stick with the meds and therapy. He knows that I need him to do that. I'm hoping that I can keep myself separate enough that I don't go down with him, but connected enough that he knows he has my love and support.
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6 comments:
Good for you. As it should be, you support but do not want to relive it for yourself. That is fair inspite of what he must think. It sometimes empowering to make decisions and actually stick with them. I'm rooting for you guys. ;)
Yep. Having another child is a GREAT idea. I'm sure that's helping.
What an awful situation to be in. I do hope you can remain strong, and that your H soon realises why he mustn't skip the meds. I know it's tempting to skip them when you start to feel a bit better - I've done it myself.
Gotta love anonymous commenters... If you can't attach a name to your words, I have no problem completely disregarding you.
I love how people can disregard a true and insightful comment, simply because there is no "name" assigned. Was naive your birth name?
kmk
Naive completely disregard anonymous commenters such as those on this post.
Depression sucks for all those that live with it. I do hope you ge some great advice from your doctor.
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