Last night WS kind of cornered me and told me I needed to tell him what was going on. I've been kind of mopey lately, I know, but there's been a ton going on at work, and our son is going through some teething and a growth spurt that has made him a total crank to hang out with. I'm just plain tired, and any thought I put into our relationship just makes me that much more depressed.
Anyway, he was really pushing on me to talk even though I told him I didn't want to talk, but he kept pushing so I told him that I'm very unhappy in our relationship. I think we've reverted to exactly where we were before the affair. Once our kid is asleep we turn on the t.v. and veg until bedtime. There's no real talking (unless you count arguing) and no romance. Not even little tiny things. It's not like we hold hands or even sit close to each other while we watch t.v. I swear there's a damn line down the middle of the couch or bed to keep us from invading the other's space.
I told him that I'm terrified because I see that we're where we were pre-affair, and that really triggers me. Some little things have improved like he usually lays with me as we're falling asleep, and he's trying to remember to kiss me and say hello when he comes home from work instead of launching into how his work day was crap or how the house is a disaster. Those things really are helpful for me, but at some point I want to stop living like roomates with my own husband! We make the big parenting decisions together, we generally co-exist well, and as long as we ignore the fact that there is supposed to be something more to our relationship, we are splendid.
It sucks.
When I brought up the romance factor, he shot back that I don't do anything romantic for him either. Why the hell would I set up candles and roses and wear lingerie for a man that would come home, see all that and say, "that's really nice, hon, but I'd really just like to watch the end of the game and relax before bed. Rain check?"
And I'm not making that up. It's happened before in our marriage. A few times, actually. I've given up, and rightfully so I think. I am too fragile to handle the rejection right now.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Perception
One of the most important things to WS is for everyone to think of him as the best and brightest. He’s not overly obnoxious about it—not in a “guy you love to hate” kind of way—but he gives off an air of infallibility that really gets to me.
When we were dating this seemed like a perfect thing. I'm very non-decisive about things that don't really matter like whether to have hamburgers or pasta for dinner. Having to make those decisions actually annoys me because there are so many other things in my life that suck the energy out of me. So when WS came along and actually chose those things for me, it was wonderful.
It was about 2 years into our marriage that this started to bother me. I still don't care that he chooses which restaurant we go to 99% of the time, but what bothers me is that sometimes he decides that he needs to "teach" me how to be decisive, and then proceeds to try to bully me into choosing what specific kind of paper towels to buy or some other equally unimportant thing. My thought on the matter is that I have to make important decisions all day long, and when I'm home from work, the only important thing I want to have to think about is any serious stuff that might come up with my son.
This bothers WS to no end because of the impression he says it gives his coworkers, friends, etc. that I am some kind of humble housewife. (HAHAHAHA!) Apparently I'm not close enough to the end of the spectrum labeled Trophy Wife.
Now, I could care less what he thinks about the impression I give. I dress up, take care of my body and lovingly support him at all those alcohol-laden work functions. I don't drink a ton and I don't brag about my latest big projects to people I don't know, and supposedly that is all it takes to get dumped into the "Humble Housewife" bin. This little on-going quarrel between us has never really bothered me before, but the reason I've been thinking about it a lot lately is that in counseling the other night, our counselor asked WS why he chose to stay with me rather than pursuing his girlfriend further. WS's answer was that divorcing his wife for another woman would leave a mark on his character that would affect his career and friendships. No mention that he stayed because he loves me or even a mention of staying for the wellbeing of our son. Just that he wanted his "character" to be intact.
Because the actual having of the affair doesn't say loads about one's character, you know.
When I asked him to clarify, he realized that he had really stepped in it, and tried to backpedal with a "Well, I know that I love you now. I was just really confused then, and that's just what went through my mind about why I should stay..."
So what I took away from last session is that he will sacrifice just about anything if it will make him look better to the outside world. And this is the man in whom I'm supposed to place my trust.
When we were dating this seemed like a perfect thing. I'm very non-decisive about things that don't really matter like whether to have hamburgers or pasta for dinner. Having to make those decisions actually annoys me because there are so many other things in my life that suck the energy out of me. So when WS came along and actually chose those things for me, it was wonderful.
It was about 2 years into our marriage that this started to bother me. I still don't care that he chooses which restaurant we go to 99% of the time, but what bothers me is that sometimes he decides that he needs to "teach" me how to be decisive, and then proceeds to try to bully me into choosing what specific kind of paper towels to buy or some other equally unimportant thing. My thought on the matter is that I have to make important decisions all day long, and when I'm home from work, the only important thing I want to have to think about is any serious stuff that might come up with my son.
This bothers WS to no end because of the impression he says it gives his coworkers, friends, etc. that I am some kind of humble housewife. (HAHAHAHA!) Apparently I'm not close enough to the end of the spectrum labeled Trophy Wife.
Now, I could care less what he thinks about the impression I give. I dress up, take care of my body and lovingly support him at all those alcohol-laden work functions. I don't drink a ton and I don't brag about my latest big projects to people I don't know, and supposedly that is all it takes to get dumped into the "Humble Housewife" bin. This little on-going quarrel between us has never really bothered me before, but the reason I've been thinking about it a lot lately is that in counseling the other night, our counselor asked WS why he chose to stay with me rather than pursuing his girlfriend further. WS's answer was that divorcing his wife for another woman would leave a mark on his character that would affect his career and friendships. No mention that he stayed because he loves me or even a mention of staying for the wellbeing of our son. Just that he wanted his "character" to be intact.
Because the actual having of the affair doesn't say loads about one's character, you know.
When I asked him to clarify, he realized that he had really stepped in it, and tried to backpedal with a "Well, I know that I love you now. I was just really confused then, and that's just what went through my mind about why I should stay..."
So what I took away from last session is that he will sacrifice just about anything if it will make him look better to the outside world. And this is the man in whom I'm supposed to place my trust.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Sex
Before the affair, I would have rated our sex life a 7/10. I wished he was willing to be a little more playful and I wished that we would have sex more often (it was usually 1-2 times a week), but those were small things. I was mostly very happy in that area. We worked well together and each took the time to take care of each other's needs.
No we're at a 2/10. Sex is infrequent at best, and it's so mechanical now that it's hardly worth trying. It used to be that I wanted to have sex 4-5 times a week, and now it's more like 2-3 times a month. And even when I do want to have sex, I never get where I need to go, if you know what I mean. That was never a problem before. It was fairly easy for me to reach orgasm, but now I can't. Too much going through my head, and no more passion between us.
So we have sex about half the time he asks, and it's really only so-so, because I just can't get into it with him anymore. Any solution for that?
No we're at a 2/10. Sex is infrequent at best, and it's so mechanical now that it's hardly worth trying. It used to be that I wanted to have sex 4-5 times a week, and now it's more like 2-3 times a month. And even when I do want to have sex, I never get where I need to go, if you know what I mean. That was never a problem before. It was fairly easy for me to reach orgasm, but now I can't. Too much going through my head, and no more passion between us.
So we have sex about half the time he asks, and it's really only so-so, because I just can't get into it with him anymore. Any solution for that?
Monday, September 18, 2006
Daily Living
On the daily side of things, life is generally the same.
And I hate it.
There's been this big life-changing event in my life, and still daily living is the same. I go to work, come home, greet the sitter, play with my son for a short while, then work until dinner, enjoy the evening with my son, put him to bed just as WS is getting home, and then WS and I sit in front of the t.v. or the computers until bed. Then we get up and do it all again. We don't have real conversations, we don't have romance, we don't have anything different than the situation that led us to this place. What makes it worse is that when I bring it up WS will agree with me that we need to be doing more of those things and that it really would help, but when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to actually make the change. And there's part of me that doesn't want to do it either. After I get the kid into bed, I'm exhausted. My brain is jello and I feel like I don't have anything intelligent to contribute. I spend all day being intelligent and witty and diplomatic, and honestly I'm just wiped out by the time 8 p.m. rolls around.
Weekends have been better since the affair though. We both cut back our work schedules to the point that we can still afford things but we actually spend the day as a family on Saturdays. It used to be that WS worked most of Saturday but took Mondays off, and I worked Mondays but took Saturdays off. Sundays are dedicated to seeing my family or his depending on the week.
I wish there were more changes that would happen. I wish WS would take the time to be romantic with me, even if it's just on the weekends. And I know I need to be more firm about not working on the computer after 8 and making our together time actual together time.
The thing that just makes me seeth with anger is that the Other Woman (OW) suffers no consequences. She didn't have a boyfriend or husband to cheat on. She did get her feelings hurt when WS chose his family over her, but that's about it. She doesn't have to spend the next year or 2 or 10 worrying that her life partner might actually be hooking up with someone else, or that each little time that a shopping trip takes 15 minutes extra that he's hiding out talking on the phone to another woman. She doesn't have to spend the next few years going through individual counseling and marriage counseling just hoping that she'll feel something again for the man she's married to.
No- she gets to go back to her daily life, same as before while I go back to mine under the incredible added strain of a broken relationship.
And I hate it.
There's been this big life-changing event in my life, and still daily living is the same. I go to work, come home, greet the sitter, play with my son for a short while, then work until dinner, enjoy the evening with my son, put him to bed just as WS is getting home, and then WS and I sit in front of the t.v. or the computers until bed. Then we get up and do it all again. We don't have real conversations, we don't have romance, we don't have anything different than the situation that led us to this place. What makes it worse is that when I bring it up WS will agree with me that we need to be doing more of those things and that it really would help, but when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to actually make the change. And there's part of me that doesn't want to do it either. After I get the kid into bed, I'm exhausted. My brain is jello and I feel like I don't have anything intelligent to contribute. I spend all day being intelligent and witty and diplomatic, and honestly I'm just wiped out by the time 8 p.m. rolls around.
Weekends have been better since the affair though. We both cut back our work schedules to the point that we can still afford things but we actually spend the day as a family on Saturdays. It used to be that WS worked most of Saturday but took Mondays off, and I worked Mondays but took Saturdays off. Sundays are dedicated to seeing my family or his depending on the week.
I wish there were more changes that would happen. I wish WS would take the time to be romantic with me, even if it's just on the weekends. And I know I need to be more firm about not working on the computer after 8 and making our together time actual together time.
The thing that just makes me seeth with anger is that the Other Woman (OW) suffers no consequences. She didn't have a boyfriend or husband to cheat on. She did get her feelings hurt when WS chose his family over her, but that's about it. She doesn't have to spend the next year or 2 or 10 worrying that her life partner might actually be hooking up with someone else, or that each little time that a shopping trip takes 15 minutes extra that he's hiding out talking on the phone to another woman. She doesn't have to spend the next few years going through individual counseling and marriage counseling just hoping that she'll feel something again for the man she's married to.
No- she gets to go back to her daily life, same as before while I go back to mine under the incredible added strain of a broken relationship.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Anniversaries
We're coming up on the anniversary of the day that WS proposed to me. I'm not one of those girls that holds on to every single date-- first date, first kiss, met the parents, etc.-- but I do remember the date that we decided that we were a real couple, the date that he proposed, and of course our wedding date. When the date came that we were officially together for 6 years, I was a total wreck. Nothing bad happened- there were no arguments or triggers other than the fact that it's an important date to me concerning our relationship. I'm anticipating that the anniversary of his proposal will be an equally bad day.
And of course now there's another anniversary to remember-- D-day. That date is burned into my mind forever. He doesn't remember the date because he doesn't think in those terms, but it is something that I will never forget, no matter how good our relationship gets.
And of course now there's another anniversary to remember-- D-day. That date is burned into my mind forever. He doesn't remember the date because he doesn't think in those terms, but it is something that I will never forget, no matter how good our relationship gets.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
About Us
My husband (WS) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 5. We have 1 child, a toddler.
Before the affair, I would have classified our relationship as good. We genuinely liked each other and spending time together. We are both interested in the same things (although we do have separate interests as well). We spent a lot of time together and I believe that except for certain areas we were happy together. I know there were issues in our relationship, and I know there were problems on both sides. There always are in relationships that lead to an affair. I honestly didn't believe they were anything big enough or bad enough to cause something this big.
It took us two years and multiple tests and infertility treatments to finally conceive our son. When he was born, I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved, and I knew WS felt the same. And the love I felt for WS was phenomenal. I wanted more than anything to have a family of my own. But then I had a serious bout with Post Partum Depression that lasted until my son was over 6 months old. I know now that part of the depression was because WS had pulled away from me. He thought I loved our son more than I loved him and was jealous over the amount of attention that had to be spent on the baby-- attention that he used to get.
Our Dday was in May 2006. His affair started as a friendship when I was still pregnant with our son. It became an affair when I was at the height of dealing with the PPD and he confessed it to me in May after it had been going on for 4 months. He couldn't choose between us, and told me he was pretty sure he was going to leave us.
I spent 3 days unable to sleep or eat. I know 3 days doesn't sound like a very long time, but to be honest, it felt like 3 months to me. Every minute was an hour, every hour an entire day. Finally on that 3rd day he told me to start packing. (Long story as to why I was leaving and not him, but it's neither here nor there now). He called me an hour later and told me that he had changed his mind and had already ended things with the Other Woman. I told him to stop fucking with me-- I had a lot of packing to do. Then he started crying and said he really wanted a chance to make things up to me. He came home a few hours later, and he's stayed ever since.
We're four months out now. I waiver on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis on whether or not I should stay in this realtionship or abandon it. Some days I think I should have just let him go. Some days I can't imagine a life without him. I still trigger almost daily. I'm constantly worried that he's still lying to me. I'm waiting for him to do something to win me back.
We're in marriage counseling, but until WS starts actually facing some of his issues, that is going nowhere. He has a reason behind every stupid thing he does, and he defends himself to the bitter end.
This blog is going to be a space for me to sort though all the crap I deal with day to day. I know it more than likely doesn't matter to anyone else, but this isn't about anyone else. It's about me and what I need to do to work through my mess of a life.
Before the affair, I would have classified our relationship as good. We genuinely liked each other and spending time together. We are both interested in the same things (although we do have separate interests as well). We spent a lot of time together and I believe that except for certain areas we were happy together. I know there were issues in our relationship, and I know there were problems on both sides. There always are in relationships that lead to an affair. I honestly didn't believe they were anything big enough or bad enough to cause something this big.
It took us two years and multiple tests and infertility treatments to finally conceive our son. When he was born, I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved, and I knew WS felt the same. And the love I felt for WS was phenomenal. I wanted more than anything to have a family of my own. But then I had a serious bout with Post Partum Depression that lasted until my son was over 6 months old. I know now that part of the depression was because WS had pulled away from me. He thought I loved our son more than I loved him and was jealous over the amount of attention that had to be spent on the baby-- attention that he used to get.
Our Dday was in May 2006. His affair started as a friendship when I was still pregnant with our son. It became an affair when I was at the height of dealing with the PPD and he confessed it to me in May after it had been going on for 4 months. He couldn't choose between us, and told me he was pretty sure he was going to leave us.
I spent 3 days unable to sleep or eat. I know 3 days doesn't sound like a very long time, but to be honest, it felt like 3 months to me. Every minute was an hour, every hour an entire day. Finally on that 3rd day he told me to start packing. (Long story as to why I was leaving and not him, but it's neither here nor there now). He called me an hour later and told me that he had changed his mind and had already ended things with the Other Woman. I told him to stop fucking with me-- I had a lot of packing to do. Then he started crying and said he really wanted a chance to make things up to me. He came home a few hours later, and he's stayed ever since.
We're four months out now. I waiver on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis on whether or not I should stay in this realtionship or abandon it. Some days I think I should have just let him go. Some days I can't imagine a life without him. I still trigger almost daily. I'm constantly worried that he's still lying to me. I'm waiting for him to do something to win me back.
We're in marriage counseling, but until WS starts actually facing some of his issues, that is going nowhere. He has a reason behind every stupid thing he does, and he defends himself to the bitter end.
This blog is going to be a space for me to sort though all the crap I deal with day to day. I know it more than likely doesn't matter to anyone else, but this isn't about anyone else. It's about me and what I need to do to work through my mess of a life.
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