About Us

My husband (WS) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 5. We have 1 child, a toddler.

Before the affair, I would have classified our relationship as good. We genuinely liked each other and spending time together. We are both interested in the same things (although we do have separate interests as well). We spent a lot of time together and I believe that except for certain areas we were happy together. I know there were issues in our relationship, and I know there were problems on both sides. There always are in relationships that lead to an affair. I honestly didn't believe they were anything big enough or bad enough to cause something this big.

It took us two years and multiple tests and infertility treatments to finally conceive our son. When he was born, I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved, and I knew WS felt the same. And the love I felt for WS was phenomenal. I wanted more than anything to have a family of my own. But then I had a serious bout with Post Partum Depression that lasted until my son was over 6 months old. I know now that part of the depression was because WS had pulled away from me. He thought I loved our son more than I loved him and was jealous over the amount of attention that had to be spent on the baby-- attention that he used to get.

Our Dday was in May 2006. His affair started as a friendship when I was still pregnant with our son. It became an affair when I was at the height of dealing with the PPD and he confessed it to me in May after it had been going on for 4 months. He couldn't choose between us, and told me he was pretty sure he was going to leave us.

I spent 3 days unable to sleep or eat. I know 3 days doesn't sound like a very long time, but to be honest, it felt like 3 months to me. Every minute was an hour, every hour an entire day. Finally on that 3rd day he told me to start packing. (Long story as to why I was leaving and not him, but it's neither here nor there now). He called me an hour later and told me that he had changed his mind and had already ended things with the Other Woman. I told him to stop fucking with me-- I had a lot of packing to do. Then he started crying and said he really wanted a chance to make things up to me. He came home a few hours later, and he's stayed ever since.

We're four months out now. I waiver on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis on whether or not I should stay in this realtionship or abandon it. Some days I think I should have just let him go. Some days I can't imagine a life without him. I still trigger almost daily. I'm constantly worried that he's still lying to me. I'm waiting for him to do something to win me back.

We're in marriage counseling, but until WS starts actually facing some of his issues, that is going nowhere. He has a reason behind every stupid thing he does, and he defends himself to the bitter end.

This blog is going to be a space for me to sort though all the crap I deal with day to day. I know it more than likely doesn't matter to anyone else, but this isn't about anyone else. It's about me and what I need to do to work through my mess of a life.