Sunday, December 16, 2007

Hitting Refresh

Matt asked me to marry him.


So we're getting "re-married" in January. New vows, non-traditional, just us and a very select group of about 5 people who have helped us through everything.

We're having a do-over if you will. No starry-eyed "so in love" wedding. This is a ceremony of commitment and a fresh page for us... remembering the past to make our future better. There is nothing about this that makes me think "oh, this is really it" or anything like that. It's just a way for both of us to acknowledge the work we've both put in to our relationship and that we are ready to be a different couple than we've been before.

I know there are all different feelings about a ceremony of this sort, and until recently I would never have considered it. In fact, the thought of renewing a commitment to Matt just about made me sick. I'm ready now though. I'm ready to commit myself back to the relationship with my eyes fully opened. I'm ready to see where we're going.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Down to the Real Problems

Matt and I have spent the last few weeks in pretty intensive counseling. Two or three times a week we've been going, trying to hash things out.

Our problems:

1. I have this overwhelming desire to analyze every single aspect of every single thing that happens in my life. It's how I've always been. I don't remember ever being different than this.

2. Matt has the overwhelming desire to bury everything and pretend it doesn't exist.

3. When I try to analyze things with him he wants to bury it and run off and I drive him mad and he drives me mad.

This is basically what it comes down to. There are other nitpicky problems, but basically it's the fact that we're polar opposites that is causing us problems at this point. And they're not bad problems any more. Just getting on each other's nerves every once in awhile problems. We're working on how to manage these little problems as they come up so that neither of us bottle it up and then explode on the other person. Or let it get so bad that we contemplate leaving.

And you know what I realized after last night's session? None of this has revolved around affair-related things. These are the true problems in our relationship-- nothing to do with that one action.

Ahhh, relief.