Matt and I have spent the last few weeks in pretty intensive counseling. Two or three times a week we've been going, trying to hash things out.
Our problems:
1. I have this overwhelming desire to analyze every single aspect of every single thing that happens in my life. It's how I've always been. I don't remember ever being different than this.
2. Matt has the overwhelming desire to bury everything and pretend it doesn't exist.
3. When I try to analyze things with him he wants to bury it and run off and I drive him mad and he drives me mad.
This is basically what it comes down to. There are other nitpicky problems, but basically it's the fact that we're polar opposites that is causing us problems at this point. And they're not bad problems any more. Just getting on each other's nerves every once in awhile problems. We're working on how to manage these little problems as they come up so that neither of us bottle it up and then explode on the other person. Or let it get so bad that we contemplate leaving.
And you know what I realized after last night's session? None of this has revolved around affair-related things. These are the true problems in our relationship-- nothing to do with that one action.
Ahhh, relief.
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4 comments:
This is how it's always been for us, too - not just with the affair stuff. It's one of the things that used to bother me so badly I often contemplated leaving. The affair has obviously put a different light on these problems, but we are doing better than we used to. We haven't had any counselling, but somehow we have managed to overcome this, although we still have the occasional slip, and have learned to understand that we are different in this respect, and to accept that difference.
Since my last comment, I found the following article, which sort of sheds some light on why men do what they do in stressful situations:
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/psychology_articles/men-women-emotions.html
Couples tend to polarize each other and the effort is to try to find the center where you each be more comfortable together than apart! It is so hard. I am exactly the same- tear everything apart and the more I need to push the more he resists. He needs to hide or move more slowly into things and my fear and anxiety drives me to push towards things as fast as possible so I can get it over with. Funny.... Thanks for sharing that naive.
Once again on the same page. I reached the same stage and had healed to the point the affair no longer dominated my thoughts.
I was ready to get down to the real issues of the relationship too.
It is such a refreshing place to be. I really hope thing smove forward for you and Matt.
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