Friday, November 16, 2007

Future Things

I suppose we might be alright now. I'm taking one thing as a major sign. Matt keeps talking about future things.

He has two vacations planned-- a family vacation for the 4 of us, and a get-away for just us.

It wasn't very long ago that I would have thought him to be awfully bold thinking like that. I might have even said, "who even knows if there will be an *us* next year to go on a vacation?" I don't say that to him, but I still think it. I'm trying not to and I'm trying to be enthusiastic about the fact that he is planning for us.

I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last year and a half. Every bit of my day is spent planning and organizing and worrying over the mundane things of every day life. If I don't do it no one will, and it must be done... I wish I was able to stretch myself creatively again-- not for a client-- just for myself...

In a way I wish I could go back to who I was before finding out about Matt's affair. I miss my fun creative self. I don't really wish it though-- I never want to be that naive again.

Friday, November 02, 2007


All this craziness the last 6 or 8 weeks between me and Matt? Turns out it was me.

I'd say my fault, but there's no fault in this. It is post partum depression on a massive level. I don't want to do details, but I wasn't sleeping at all and was highly paranoid-- enough that Matt took me in to my doctor who promptly put me on meds and I'm back to myself finally.

So in celebration of having my brain back, I have a positive and uplifting question for you.

What in your life makes you feel successful? Your career? your kids? Spouse? Finishing your "to do" list?

I felt succesful on a personal level once I'd been in business for about 2 years. I wasn't working crazy hours building the business up anymore because I had steady clients and I really loved me work. I never imagined feeling more successful that I was in that place.

Then I had Michael. The first few months were chaos. I had imagined motherhood to be a completely different thing than it actually was and I was unprepared for that. However, when Michael was about 6 months old I realized that I had never felt so competent.

Now, of course, I alternate between feeling like I'm on top of everything kid-wise and feeling like I need to give him to real parents who might actually know how to get those vegetables into him without a war breaking out everytime. But hey-- that's life with a pre-schooler, right?

So what makes you feel successful?