Melting

I'm having a very hard time right now. I've tried to write this post again and again in the last few days, but I suppose I'm out of words. At least for this. I feel like I'm being stretched a million different ways and there just isn't enough of me. I'm at the hospital a few times a day and trying to see Michael and sleep and eat in between those visits. Matt went back to work this week. I'm trying to believe that he didn't have a choice. He certainly painted it that way. I think he's just doing what he always does-- avoiding... finding an escape... I'm trying to believe him. There is no real reason to think he wouldn't be honest about needing to handle these cases right now, right? Except that my gut says not to trust him, and last time I felt like this he was having an affair... But I'm supposed to be able to trust him now, right? He has proven himself over the last few months. He's really done the work. He's been really involved. And I know that I pulled away first this time. I just can't handle all this. People keep saying to me how strong I am-- first with dealing with all the complications with Michael's birth, then dealing with the affair, and now with Jack being sick... It has nothing to do with strength. This is my life and there is nothing I can do but go through these things, apparently. I'm trying hard- I am... I just feel like I never get anywhere. Never. When do I get a chance at life being relaxed and easy for awhile? Why the hell is it never my turn? Just a week. Can I have 1 easy week? I need the break. I'm pulling too thin in all directions and I'm really feeling it. I know that not sleeping isn't helping. I want to sleep, but I can't. My doctor actually gave me something to help with that, but if I take it I want to sleep around the clock, and I need to be there with Jack.

Jack is doing alright. He hasn't been improving by much, but little by little we are seeing positive changes. Mostly he's maintaining, which is a good thing. I couldn't handle the rollercoaster much longer with him. Since he was born every time we went to visit there was more bad news, but in the last few days when I've gone in he's been either just how I left him or a little better. I needed this.

I can't ask Matt for help with this. This is one of those things where our thoughts on the topic are vastly different and I can't bear for him to shoot me down right now. He sees that Jack is getting better, so now he sees no need to worry about him or visit incessantly like I do. I *have* to be with him as much as I can. I HAVE to. I can't explain that to him, because he wouldn't understand. He understands things that have reasons and logic, and I can't explain this except to say that he's my baby and he's sick and I just have to be there with him. So we're pulling apart again, and it's because of me. But I have to. I don't think I have another choice. If he tells me that he doesn't think that I need to be there with Jack I will die inside. I can't hear those words from him. Life is already bad enough, hard enough-- if one more thing happens I will melt.

I just can't anymore.

Surviving

Jack had some complications from surgery so the 2 or 3 days afterwards we were pretty much at the hospital around the clock. We couldn't hold him-- he was just too fragile and there were too many lines and monitors to disturb. Then there was a whole day without any new complications coming up, and then another day, and then they slowly started taking him off of certain monitors. He's doing much better than he was and the only problems we've run into in the last 2 days have been minor and unrelated to the issues that put him in the NICU. We still don't know how long it will be until he is healthy enough to come home, but the neonatologist told us this morning maybe within a week or two. Having that kind of timeline has helped me to prepare myself in dealing with this next stage.

Michael is staying with grandparents. We were having to patch together a network of people to watch him while we were at the hospital, and it was really hard on him. So he is with grandparents now and much happier, but he really misses seeing me and Matt. This will all be over soon, but how do you explain that to your toddler? I mean he's a smart kid, but kids this age have no concept of time.

So that's the update. We're focusing on surviving right now, and praying for the end of all this.

Waiting

Jack (the new baby) is having a procedure done today. We're waiting. He's only been in for a little while but we have a long time more to wait until someone comes to talk to us about it. We've both been emailing and calling friends and family to let everyone know what is happening right now. I'm trying to keep busy. Busy is what I'm good at; waiting is where I suck.

The bad thing about the last year of my life has been that most of it I've spent waiting. Waiting for Matt to get his head out of his ass and figure out what he wanted, waiting to find the right meds for him, waiting for something to click in our multitudes of counseling sessions, waiting for my heart to feel something for him again, waiting for something in our lives to go right for once...

And here we are waiting again. Only this time not for us. We've been salvaged, even if there are still many pieces to mend. No, this time we're waiting for our son.

In the midst of all the worries specific to Jack, somewhere in the back of my mind the old fear has risen up-- what if this is the thing that separates me and Matt again? What if this is the thing that pushes us apart? Our natural tendencies are to withdraw from each other and look to ourselves for strength rather than each other. It has been incredibly hard, but we're trying to look to each other for help. Matt finally broke down last night and admitted that he couldn't carry all this alone.

I needed him to say that to me. I need him to need me in things like this.

Baby is Here

Baby (Jack) is here. I've just been released from the hospital, but he is still there and very very sick. We are looking at endless NICU time due to how early he is and his complications. Matt and I are basically living at the hospital right now. Thank god that my mother is able to be with our older son right now.

I am a million times better now that I am not pregnant and my body is rapidly recovering. For every little bit that I heal it seems like our son gets that much worse.

Matt was able to reschedule almost his entire month worth of work, but he has a few things each week that he absolutely must do. I spent much of yesterday informing my clients of the situation and referring them on to other people if necessary.

This has been so hard. The complications I had with Little Guy (Michael) were exactly that-- MY complications. He was healthy except for a bit of jaundice. I can deal with illness in myself, but not my kids. There is no end in sight for the baby. It seems like every time we take a break from the hospital to go eat or come home and sleep we come back to another setback or a progression in his illness, or another new worry popping up. I can hardly sleep because every time I do I dream that someone calls to tell us that he has died...

I needed so much to write all this down. I needed the release. In a way writing helps me to process things, and that is why this blog has been so helpful. I know you all come here to read about my relationship with Matt and the ups and downs there, but this is one of those things that will dramatically affect us in the days and weeks and months to come, and it is my life right now. It is the whole world right now.

Update

Sorry to be off so long, but I was in the hospital again. Baby is fine now, I'm fine now, just very tired. It is virtually impossible to sleep in a hospital between all the monitor lights, the little beeps, nurses constantly coming in for vitals... Just a few more weeks until it will be safe for this little one to come, but we discussed with the doctors all the specifics of having him early. They may need to take him early mostly for my health (which obviously affects baby's health) so we're trying to mentally prepare ourselves for a preemie. I go back to the doctor at the end of the week, and then if everything looks better every week thereafter. They want to keep a very close eye though, and if anything looks even slightly bad they'll admit me and keep me til the baby is born.


We're doing as well as can be expected right now I think. Matt was finally able to make a few changes at work so that he can be home more with our son. The kid is taking this really hard. He's not used to being in full time care like he's been for the last several weeks. He likes his teacher very well, but he's used to being with me more, so he's getting some much needed daddy time and visits with me as long as daddy is there to help supervise.


I'm trying to be as unstressed as possible. Which is nearly impossible for a person like me. I'm trying to focus on keeping myself healthy and positive.

Just a few more weeks...