I'm having a very hard time right now. I've tried to write this post again and again in the last few days, but I suppose I'm out of words. At least for this. I feel like I'm being stretched a million different ways and there just isn't enough of me. I'm at the hospital a few times a day and trying to see Michael and sleep and eat in between those visits. Matt went back to work this week. I'm trying to believe that he didn't have a choice. He certainly painted it that way. I think he's just doing what he always does-- avoiding... finding an escape... I'm trying to believe him. There is no real reason to think he wouldn't be honest about needing to handle these cases right now, right? Except that my gut says not to trust him, and last time I felt like this he was having an affair... But I'm supposed to be able to trust him now, right? He has proven himself over the last few months. He's really done the work. He's been really involved. And I know that I pulled away first this time. I just can't handle all this. People keep saying to me how strong I am-- first with dealing with all the complications with Michael's birth, then dealing with the affair, and now with Jack being sick... It has nothing to do with strength. This is my life and there is nothing I can do but go through these things, apparently. I'm trying hard- I am... I just feel like I never get anywhere. Never. When do I get a chance at life being relaxed and easy for awhile? Why the hell is it never my turn? Just a week. Can I have 1 easy week? I need the break. I'm pulling too thin in all directions and I'm really feeling it. I know that not sleeping isn't helping. I want to sleep, but I can't. My doctor actually gave me something to help with that, but if I take it I want to sleep around the clock, and I need to be there with Jack.
Jack is doing alright. He hasn't been improving by much, but little by little we are seeing positive changes. Mostly he's maintaining, which is a good thing. I couldn't handle the rollercoaster much longer with him. Since he was born every time we went to visit there was more bad news, but in the last few days when I've gone in he's been either just how I left him or a little better. I needed this.
I can't ask Matt for help with this. This is one of those things where our thoughts on the topic are vastly different and I can't bear for him to shoot me down right now. He sees that Jack is getting better, so now he sees no need to worry about him or visit incessantly like I do. I *have* to be with him as much as I can. I HAVE to. I can't explain that to him, because he wouldn't understand. He understands things that have reasons and logic, and I can't explain this except to say that he's my baby and he's sick and I just have to be there with him. So we're pulling apart again, and it's because of me. But I have to. I don't think I have another choice. If he tells me that he doesn't think that I need to be there with Jack I will die inside. I can't hear those words from him. Life is already bad enough, hard enough-- if one more thing happens I will melt.
I just can't anymore.
3 comments:
Naive- even people who are married need room for being different, handling things differently and just loving/accepting that the other is an other. If Matt needs to pull away right now than that's what he needs, maybe to survive and keep his family afloat financially? It's kinda what men do I think. I hope that he is still taking time to comfort and support you. This is not the time to have be thinking about your marriage- he's a big boy and it's time for him to swim and pull on his big Hanes :).
I remember so clearly when my little girl had open heart surgery- all I wanted was to stay with her every minute. I got to sleep in her bed gingerly holding her(age 4), or nod off next to the bed in a geri-chair in ICU. My H seemed much more able to detach a bit and he took on the tasks of communicating to family and getting me coffee and food. Luckily she was only in hospital 4 days so I'm sure you are much more tired than I. But you MUST take care of yourself sweetie- DO IT for your little one. He needs you, they both need you as hard as that is. I am thinking of you and hope that relief from this state of anxiety is coming soon. Any timeline from the docs? Anything I can do- wish there was more...
Oh honey! I just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers....and many others' as well I'm sure!
Karma> Thank you so much for your perspective. It was good for him to work some- you were right- it was what he needed.
Timeline is in the new post.
wifeofaddict> Thank you for your prayers. I covet them greatly for my son.
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