Lifting Fog

I woke up yesterday just after 5 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. After I rolled around for 20 minutes trying to settle in somewhere, Matt asked what was wrong. I was worried about Jack, but I didn't want to say that at first. I immediately flashed to anger because a part of me started screaming inside that he should know what was wrong-- Jack is still sick! Isn't that enough to keep me up?

I didn't say anything though. Thank goodness.

After a few near silent minutes I told him that I felt like I needed to see Jack right then. Matt didn't say anything for a second, and then he asked if I needed him to come too. I told him I didn't-- it was enough that he had asked.

I got to the hospital just after the sun came up. His overnight nurse was surprised to see me. I don't usually go in until closer to 8 a.m. As I washed my hands in preparation to go into the NICU, I asked about his overnight progress and she answered rather vaguely that he was doing as well as could be expected. She started to walk away and then said, "The doctor wants to talk to you and your husband this morning. Will Matt be able to come in?"

I almost started crying, and I asked what time he should come. She told me to go ahead and call him if he would be awake. I immediately went back out to the family room to call. Matt said he'd be there in a few minutes.

The nurses don't say much. I don't know all the rules about what they are and aren't allowed to tell us, but I know they don't tell us very much. They tell me if he fussed much during the night and how much breast milk he was able to take through his tube, what his weight and vitals were when they last checked-- those types of things. When we ask more detailed questions they always refer us to either the nurse practitioner or the neo-natologist. When I went back in after calling Matt the nurse noticed that I had been crying and she came and sat with me next to Jack's little bed. It's a heated bed since he can't yet maintain his own body heat, and it has clear plastic sides that fold down to make it easy to get to him when needed. She folded down the side closest to us so that I could rub my finger on his side and let him close his fist around my finger. Tears started again.

"It's not a bad talk," she said. "He'll explain when he gets here, but you should know that it's not a bad talk."

I nodded, because I couldn't talk.

The neonatologist came in just after Matt got there. He told us that Jack's improvements are significant enough to try taking him off of a few of the monitors one at a time. He gave us the order they would go in, and the timeline, and as long as all goes well we might be able to try to nurse by the end of the week. If nursing doesn't work out (it's more difficult for early babies I guess because they don't suck as well, and also he's been eating through a tube these last few weeks) then we will try the bottle. To go home he has to be able to eat well through either nursing or bottling, so it's a pretty significant step. And if he eats well he will have to stay just a few more days to prove that he can maintain his good health before he can come home.

So best case scenario, our little boy could be home by the end of next week. He is doing very well. I am a mess, but he is doing well. I will do better when he is home.