Thursday, June 21, 2007


The depression is getting worse. I had a doctor's visit this morning and I brought it up and the doctor wants me to see if I can wait to go on meds until after the baby is born. So I'm going to try a couple of dietary changes and he recommended a few vitamin supplements, so I'm going to try that. Hopefully it will at least take the edge off of things. He seems to think it's related to the bedrest, and the more I've thought about it since the appointment I think he's right. This isn't about Matt. He really isn't doing anything wrong. I'm not suicidal or anything, just down and crying a lot and feeling a lot of hopelessness for life in general. I'm so used to being crazy busy, and laying around like this is really getting to me.

Monday, June 18, 2007


As you can probably tell from the time stamp I'm up way late. I can't sleep anymore. Too much laying around from bedrest. So I'm out on the couch so that I don't keep Matt up. Only a few more weeks til we hit a safe point and then I can be up to semi-normal things without fear of baby coming too soon. I have to keep reminding myself how important the rest is so that I don't go absolutely nuts.

I've written this post over and over trying to find the right way to say what I'm feeling right now. I guess the only thing to say is that I'm absolutely petrified.

I feel completely neglected and disconnected from Matt in the past 4-5 days. He's still taking care of everything he's supposed to . . . except me. And this is what I've been afraid of. This feels exactly like this point in my pregnancy with Little Guy. Matt was so busy taking care of everything else that he forgot about me and when he got back to me he found me busy trying to adjust to a new baby and struggling with depression and he went elsewhere.

We've talked about this. He knows what I think, and he doesn't believe it's the same. He keeps saying that he knows better this time. I'm sure that's true, but I still feel like I'm on the outside of everything knocking on the door to be let in, and him completely ignoring my cries. My brain is telling me to cut everything off now so that I won't be hurt again in a few months. It's hard to give Matt the benefit of the doubt when my gut is screaming for me to run.

There's no reason to think that there's anything going on with Matt and OW or anyone else. I think this is just my insides trying to protect me from the potential possibilities.

I don't feel like he's listening any more. I feel like he thinks I have nothing to offer him right now since I'm not out in the world doing and experiencing. And I think I'm a little depressed from the bedrest. I feel completely cut off from everyone right now, not just Matt, and that has really hit me hard. I didn't think it would be this bad. I feel like an annoyance to him. I know he has no idea what I'm going through physically and mentally in regards to the baby, but I desperately wish that he would just make an effort to try to understand. I feel like he instantly shuts me off if I say anything about how I'm feeling that day or any worries I have about the baby. Maybe he's tired of hearing about it, but I really need to talk about it. It's the healthiest way I know to cope with the fears I'm having, and I NEED to do it. I wish he would understand that.

Can PPD start before the baby is born? Maybe that's the problem. I feel terrible. I'm anxious and upset all the time.

Friday, June 08, 2007


One of my biggest fears during this pregnancy has been that Matt will flake out on me when the baby actually comes. When we had our son he was awesome in the hospital taking care of things, but the second we got home it was all up to me to take care of myself and the baby post surgery. He didn't completely back out of life; he did the token dad thing. He'd come home from work and say hi to the baby and me and hold him for short times every once in awhile but basically go about life as if absolutely nothing had changed. On the other hand, my entire world had been flipped upside down. I had medical complications from the birth that took over 3 months to completely take care of, and the depression issues that I have struggled with all my life came up again as Post-Partum Depression. I was just beginning to do better with the PPD when D-day came.

I have been so worried that this time will be a repeat. We've talked briefly about it a handful of times. He knows that it worries me, and he's been quick to reassure me that things are different now. And they are different now, but still... what is going to be the one thing that triggers a reoccurence? Will the stress of having another newborn send him back to that same place?

I've been on bedrest for a few weeks now, and I've been in the hospital once. They were able to stop the contractions and I'm home now, but under strict orders to be in bed. I'm done working until I'm cleared by my doctor to go back (probably 6 weeks post-partum). Thank god for understanding clients.

And thank god for Matt.

I didn't think I'd be able to say that, but Matt has really stepped up and been amazing. He's not only taking care of household cleaning (he's hired someone to come in weekly, and I don't care as long it gets done and he's the one that made all the arrangements) but he's taking care of the details of getting our son to and from daycare, and finding someone to care for Little Guy if he has to work in the evenings or on weekends. He's been working from home as much as possible to be available to me to get food and things that I need and take me to the doctor, and he's been taking the time to care for me emotionally. I've been so worried about the baby and crying at least once a day (which is completely out of character for me) and he has been there to really help me instead of offering up the bland "everything will be fine" spiel.

I almost don't know what to think. I really didn't expect this. I thought he would disengage by now. I thought he'd make a good effort for a few days and that he'd get tired of taking care of everything, but here he is, three weeks into this mess and still going. It boosts the trust little by little, but I'm not ready to make the leap into believing that he'll support us the whole way. The big test will actually be once the baby comes. Then I might be able to say that I know for sure that he has changed. I'm just waiting. I can't afford to assume too much. I'm emotional enough now as it is-- I can't handle that kind of disappointment on top of this. But at the same time, he is doing so well, and I want to give him credit for that. I guess I'm waiting to see if he's really in this for the long term. We've only really been doing well and making significant strides for 4 months, even though d-day was over a year ago.

So can I rely on him? I'm glad to say that so far it's been a big fat yes. But I'm still taking it day by day, and hoping for the best. I need to have hope right now.