Monday, June 18, 2007

Worries

As you can probably tell from the time stamp I'm up way late. I can't sleep anymore. Too much laying around from bedrest. So I'm out on the couch so that I don't keep Matt up. Only a few more weeks til we hit a safe point and then I can be up to semi-normal things without fear of baby coming too soon. I have to keep reminding myself how important the rest is so that I don't go absolutely nuts.

I've written this post over and over trying to find the right way to say what I'm feeling right now. I guess the only thing to say is that I'm absolutely petrified.

I feel completely neglected and disconnected from Matt in the past 4-5 days. He's still taking care of everything he's supposed to . . . except me. And this is what I've been afraid of. This feels exactly like this point in my pregnancy with Little Guy. Matt was so busy taking care of everything else that he forgot about me and when he got back to me he found me busy trying to adjust to a new baby and struggling with depression and he went elsewhere.

We've talked about this. He knows what I think, and he doesn't believe it's the same. He keeps saying that he knows better this time. I'm sure that's true, but I still feel like I'm on the outside of everything knocking on the door to be let in, and him completely ignoring my cries. My brain is telling me to cut everything off now so that I won't be hurt again in a few months. It's hard to give Matt the benefit of the doubt when my gut is screaming for me to run.

There's no reason to think that there's anything going on with Matt and OW or anyone else. I think this is just my insides trying to protect me from the potential possibilities.

I don't feel like he's listening any more. I feel like he thinks I have nothing to offer him right now since I'm not out in the world doing and experiencing. And I think I'm a little depressed from the bedrest. I feel completely cut off from everyone right now, not just Matt, and that has really hit me hard. I didn't think it would be this bad. I feel like an annoyance to him. I know he has no idea what I'm going through physically and mentally in regards to the baby, but I desperately wish that he would just make an effort to try to understand. I feel like he instantly shuts me off if I say anything about how I'm feeling that day or any worries I have about the baby. Maybe he's tired of hearing about it, but I really need to talk about it. It's the healthiest way I know to cope with the fears I'm having, and I NEED to do it. I wish he would understand that.

Can PPD start before the baby is born? Maybe that's the problem. I feel terrible. I'm anxious and upset all the time.

1 comment:

kissmekate said...

PPD prior to birth is referred to as Ante Natal Depression. It may be worth your while speaking to your doctor about taking meds, which is totally safe in last trimester.

I am not pregnant but let me tell you that I feel the same way often with my husband, very neglected.

After infidelity you become SO needy, and constantly need reassurance, not just the dishes and washing being done.

YOU need to be held and YOU need to be made to feel loved and adored. And YOU need to feel desired and needed.

You dont just need the day to day things looked after.

I feel for you and sending you big HUGS. Short of talking to him about your feelings I have nothing to suggest. But if Matt is anything like Charlie, they never seem to get it no matter how much talking you do.

(((((HUGS)))))