Friday, June 08, 2007

Reliance

One of my biggest fears during this pregnancy has been that Matt will flake out on me when the baby actually comes. When we had our son he was awesome in the hospital taking care of things, but the second we got home it was all up to me to take care of myself and the baby post surgery. He didn't completely back out of life; he did the token dad thing. He'd come home from work and say hi to the baby and me and hold him for short times every once in awhile but basically go about life as if absolutely nothing had changed. On the other hand, my entire world had been flipped upside down. I had medical complications from the birth that took over 3 months to completely take care of, and the depression issues that I have struggled with all my life came up again as Post-Partum Depression. I was just beginning to do better with the PPD when D-day came.

I have been so worried that this time will be a repeat. We've talked briefly about it a handful of times. He knows that it worries me, and he's been quick to reassure me that things are different now. And they are different now, but still... what is going to be the one thing that triggers a reoccurence? Will the stress of having another newborn send him back to that same place?

I've been on bedrest for a few weeks now, and I've been in the hospital once. They were able to stop the contractions and I'm home now, but under strict orders to be in bed. I'm done working until I'm cleared by my doctor to go back (probably 6 weeks post-partum). Thank god for understanding clients.

And thank god for Matt.

I didn't think I'd be able to say that, but Matt has really stepped up and been amazing. He's not only taking care of household cleaning (he's hired someone to come in weekly, and I don't care as long it gets done and he's the one that made all the arrangements) but he's taking care of the details of getting our son to and from daycare, and finding someone to care for Little Guy if he has to work in the evenings or on weekends. He's been working from home as much as possible to be available to me to get food and things that I need and take me to the doctor, and he's been taking the time to care for me emotionally. I've been so worried about the baby and crying at least once a day (which is completely out of character for me) and he has been there to really help me instead of offering up the bland "everything will be fine" spiel.

I almost don't know what to think. I really didn't expect this. I thought he would disengage by now. I thought he'd make a good effort for a few days and that he'd get tired of taking care of everything, but here he is, three weeks into this mess and still going. It boosts the trust little by little, but I'm not ready to make the leap into believing that he'll support us the whole way. The big test will actually be once the baby comes. Then I might be able to say that I know for sure that he has changed. I'm just waiting. I can't afford to assume too much. I'm emotional enough now as it is-- I can't handle that kind of disappointment on top of this. But at the same time, he is doing so well, and I want to give him credit for that. I guess I'm waiting to see if he's really in this for the long term. We've only really been doing well and making significant strides for 4 months, even though d-day was over a year ago.

So can I rely on him? I'm glad to say that so far it's been a big fat yes. But I'm still taking it day by day, and hoping for the best. I need to have hope right now.

4 comments:

kissmekate said...

I can once again understand your hesitation to jump back in the ring. It takes alot more than a few weeks of good behaviour to make you believe.

It is really hard because you want to believe the best, but the underlying fear of being hurt once again overrules everything else.

I am seeing constant behavioural changes here too, so maybe Matt has seen the ways in which he has let you down and is trying very hard to rectify it.

I know it is tough but make sure you tell him how much you appreciate his efforts. That is really hard but it will be worth it.

On the post partum depression issue...... I suffered PPD after my last two pregnancies. I was terrified during my last pregnancy because of the same issues you are experiencing.

The second time around is a little easier because you know what to expect. It doesn't make the depression easier but you already have the support networks in place to deal with it.

My hubby would come home from work and basically kick me out of the house without kids so I never felt tied to the house and baby.

The best advice I can give you is to take ANY help that is offered.

NaiveNoMore said...

Thank you for sharing your experience with PPD, Kate. The hardest thing for me last time was that I felt so alone. I think you're right that I'll do better this time just with knowing what I'm dealing with. I'm going to be a lot faster to ask for help too. I'm hoping it won't be an issue, but I want to be prepared.

kissmekate said...

The first time I suffered PPD my baby was 12 weeks old before I asked for help.

The second time.....it took 10 days!

kissmekate said...

Hey there.....just checking in on you because we have not heard from you for a little while.

Hoping everything is OK.