Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Okay. So, pregnant. I'm terrified. WS thinks we'll be just fine and sees this a positive step forward in our relationship. I reminded him of how hard pregnancy is on me physically and this time it's been worse than with our son. I reminded him of how much I slept and how sick I was (and how sick I've already been) and I reminded him that in therapy he pointed at that very thing from my first pregnancy and claimed that me having to take care of myself that much was the very thing that caused the disconnect between us that led to his affair.

Even understanding that this pregnancy will be much the same if not more so, he thinks we'll be just fine.

So I'm left wondering where his brains have run off to.

Last time I was ill throughout the pregnancy and had several complications leading to an early induction and ultimately an emergency c-section. Because of the horrible event that was my son's birth, my recovery was quite a bit longer than most women's recoveries, especially because I contracted a post partum infection that took a long time to be properly diagnosed and taken care of. And apparently, it was all these health issues that caused the disconnect between us.

I can't not take care of myself this time just so that he doesn't feel neglected or disconnected or whatever. So far I've been sick 24 hours a day and I could easily sleep 14-16 hours a day if only I didn't have to work and care for my son. When I say "take care of myself" I mean I'm trying to hang on to my sanity I'm so ill, not that I'm trying to pamper myself and make myself out to be the queen of the world just because I'm going to pop out another kid. No, I'm really just trying to keep some fluids in my body and trying to do the things I have to (mostly work) and that's it.

All I keep thinking to myself is that this signals the end. Whatever progress I felt we were making? I can feel it all fading away, and WS is in such extreme denial that it hurts to hear him talk about it. He really does think everything will be dandy after we "adjust", but he seems to forget where we have been before this.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Stunned Silence

Sorry to be away for a few weeks, but family life demanded it. This will be a short post, because I'm still in shock.

I'm pregnant.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Bad Dreams

How do you know when it's time to give up?

On Tuesday it will have been 6 months since I found out about the affair. Last night I woke up with an awful dream about WS and OW and spent about 2 hours in the middle of the night googling her name and going through WS's computer files and the cell phone records. I didn't find anything on his phone or computer, but I found an old blog with her name attached. It wasn't much of anything, but I was oddly glad to have found *something*.

I felt like I was going crazy. I was searching like mad for something-- any little bit of "dirt" I could dig up. I finally calmed down and got back to sleep, only to have to get up with my son a few times and have another dream about the two of them. The thing is, this wasn't a dream. It was like a playback from the week following my discovery of the affair. Specifically WS telling me that he was coming back because leaving me for her would have meant losing his integrity as a man. And specifically when I was driving somewhere I saw the two of them together in a parking lot hugging and kissing after he had told me that he was coming back to me and had cut off contact with her.

I told him this morning that I can't stand the fact that he didn't come back out of wanting to be with me vs. wanting to be with her. I feel like because he came back as "the right thing to do" I have to just bide my time until he feels unhappy with our relationship again and this happens all over again. He says that now he knows that he loves me and doesn't want to ever jeopardize our relationship again, but the sad truth is that our relationship can never be what it was before, and he doesn't want to accept that. He honestly thinks that if he does enough to make up for this that things will go back to "normal" aka pre-affair status.

It just doesn't work that way.

I want to give up. I'm ready to do that emotionally.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

"I love you" Afterthoughts

We had it out last night. Boy did we. We were disagreeing about an issue, and he kept saying “Why can’t you understand…” and repeating the same point over and over and over to me without letting me respond to him. I finally said, “please don’t speak to me like that! When you say “why can’t you understand” it makes me feel incredibly stupid.” He launched into me over that, how it wasn’t about how that phrase made me feel, it was about the intention with which he said it.
Our son woke up right then, and I went in to rock him awhile. He’s been very restless at night, and last night started a fever, so I think he may be teething again. WS followed me into the baby’s room and yelled at me more and I told him to stop yelling, it was scaring the baby. He told me not to come back in until I was willing to be reasonable and talk.

I rocked my son for a long time past when he was back to sleep because I needed the breather. I needed to clear my head so I could really think about things. When I went back in I was determined to just let the whole thing drop. I was tired, and I didn’t want to talk anymore when there was no progress to be made. He pushed me over and over again, and I finally told him what was going through my mind—that I don’t think I can forgive him for things that happened in our relationship prior to the affair. That I don’t know if I can forgive the affair. That he makes me feel like an idiot when I talk to him. Like I waste his time. And he asked me if I even love him anymore.


A few nights ago, he came home a little drunk. His friend deposited him on our doorstep after a night with the guys, and it was actually pretty funny. WS rarely drinks this much, and he gets funny when he’s drunk. We talked and laughed for awhile and at some point he looked at me with bloodshot eyes and told me he loved me so much. I told him to try saying it when he was a little more sober, and he insisted that it wasn’t the alcohol talking. It was all him, he said, and that he meant every word- “I love you so much. I wish I could erase everything.”

I started to cry. I don’t cry, but this—this tore me down. And he told me not to be sad, that I should be happy that he was saying it for once. I told him it meant nothing to me. He said he loved me even while he was trying to decide between me and his mistress, and I realized that I didn’t believe him now when he said that he loved me. How could he say he loved me while he was thinking of leaving me (the old “I love you but I’m not in love with you” cliche) and then think he could use that same “I love you” now when he supposedly is back “in love” with me?


So when he asked me last night if I even loved him anymore, I weighed everything that had happened between us, pre-affair and post-affair, and I told him that I still loved him.

And he told me he didn’t believe me.

I think I love him. I want a life with him. I just don’t want the one we have right now.

Monday, October 23, 2006


I have come to realize in the last few years exactly how important family is to me. Not my family as in my own parents, but having a family of my own. Having a husband that is loving and supportive, and having children of my own and raising them in a loving home. Part of this realization came through dealing with infertility in trying to have our son. It took quite a bit of medical testing and procedures to conceive him, and I think that is where the first disconnect came between me and my husband.

I was on the daily end of dealing with the infertility, monitoring my temperature daily, taking medications, doing injections... and WS? Well, he was there for the sex, and that was about it. Even when I told him how important it was to me that he come to the doctors appointments and that he help me out when I was dealing with side effects of the meds, he was careful to sidestep the issue and say that he would come to the doctor with me once I was pregnant, leaving me to wonder, "what if I never am?"

He was good to his word. Once I got pregnant he was there for every doctor's appointment but one, and he really beat himself up about not going to that one. The thing is, I needed him before that. I needed him while I was trying to cope with cycle after cycle of failure. I have only ever felt abandonment like that 2 other times in my life. Once with my parents, and when I found out about the affair.

In my faith, I cannot remarry if I am divorced. My chance for a family is with WS. Even though there are so many serious issues between us, throwing my hands in the air and saying, "enough already!" would mean giving up the one thing that is so valuable to me-- a family of my own.

So I have to figure out how to forgive all of this so that we can function as a family. So that I can function as a wife and a woman.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Bad Timing

This has been a really bad day. It started with my son being up all night sick, then having to call my mom early to see if she could watch him while I worked or if I would have to take the day off. I ended up working only a half day until my son’s doctor appointment, and it’s strep. AGAIN.

WS called right as I was trying to get my son in the door after the doctor, and I told him I’d call him back after I got the kid down for his nap. I wrestled medicine into my son and got him down to sleep. I called WS back, and he had just been calling to see if it was okay for him to go out with some guys after work. I know the guys he works with, and I was comfortable with that, but I was so tired after being up with my son all night and then working and then getting through the doctor stuff. I asked if he’d either skip it this time and come home, or if he’d make it quick and be home by seven to help me with our son. He didn’t really say much over the phone, but I could tell he was upset.

WS came home at the usual time and kind of stomped around and threw his tie, keys and wallet in a pile on the couch before asking me why the laundry wasn’t put away yet. Did it matter that I had made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed the sheets on the bed, and taken care of the kid’s daycare bag in between taking care of the sick child? No. It mattered that I hadn’t yet put the laundry away. I told him to back off—I was tired, and it had been a crappy day already.

He held it together long enough to get through dinner and entertain our son until an early bedtime. As soon as I put the boy to bed, though, the floodgates broke.

His side was all “I just wanted some time to hang out with the guys and have a drink” and my side was all, “I’m falling apart I’m so tired and I need some help.”

I can understand his side. I really can. He has done a stellar job of coming home as expected and most of the time chooses to spend time with me and our son over spending time with his buddies. It really would have been okay by me for him to go out tonight if only our kid wasn’t so sick and I wasn’t so overwhelmed.

I told him that this was an example of me actually admitting that I needed him for once, and if I’ve humbled myself enough to ask for the help I do, in fact, actually need it. Pretty darn bad too, or else I wouldn’t have asked. It was just bad timing as far as what I needed from him and what he needed. The good thing about the whole issue is that we were actually able to handle this with some semblance of maturity. There was little yelling, and we were both actually listening to each other’s sides instead of putting up the defensive shields. This is a good sign for us.

We settled the issue and we were watching some show on t.v., and wouldn’t you know it involves a husband carrying on an affair that his wife discovers and the aftermath of everything. When there was the first hint that that was the topic I wanted to ask WS to just turn it off or switch to something else, but I didn’t. I kept rationalizing in my mind that I should be able to handle stuff like that and that it wasn’t fair to WS if I made him switch to something else. So we ended up watching the whole episode, and I am still triggering a few hours later. Why didn’t I just ask him to change it? Now that I think about it I really don’t think he would have minded. He might have been uncomfortable with it too. I have got to stop pushing myself down and do these little things to help myself. How hard is it to ask to have a channel changed?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

From Father to Son

When I think through the issues between WS and myself, I find that the thing I'm most upset about right now is all the lying. He has always been dishonest about silly little things in our relationship, and now I know that I should have seen it for the big flashing sign that it was. And after our discussion last night, I think the lying has been trained into my husband by his parents.

WS and I have been talking about parenting stuff around here a lot lately because our toddler son has started displaying some behavior I'd like to get handled now rather than later. It's mostly tantrum type things, and some of what I consider to be "baby backtalk" and I want to teach him now that that's not the way to express himself. I've been reading a lot and talking with a couple girlfriends about how they've handled this at this age, and I brought it up to WS to ask his opinion.

He immediately brought up spanking as the only way to handle this and it launched us into a debate over why we should or shouldn't spank. Spanking was used in my family as a terror tactic, and I really think that in my brother's case it bordered on abuse. The emotional abuse in my family is insane. Spanking was used by my husband's family for only one thing: Lying. WS was spanked everytime he was caught in a lie, and while his parents never got crazy with the spanking, it taught WS to be extremely sneaky so that he wouldn't get caught.

When his parents found out about the affair, they were stunned, and while they said it was wrong of him and that he needed to do the right thing and stay with his family, they tried to find every reason for him to have done this-- going so far as to suggest that he must have multiple personalities because the son that they know and love would *never* do such a thing! His mother even brought him part of her prescription for anti-depressants because that would "fix him right up."

WS has everyone fooled with his lying, and in a way I think this was created in him because of his parents. Do you think parents really can mold that type of thing? Is it possible that WS's parents set him up for his affair? If that really is part of the reason behind this event, it scares me to think that this can be passed on to our son. I want to prevent that if it's a possibility. I want to parent him to understand and live concepts like trust and responsibility.

Monday, October 09, 2006


One of the recurring issues in our relationship is that I feel that things that are important to me are downplayed, and things that are important to my husband are lifted onto a pedestal.

One of the prime examples of this is sports. WS is a sports nut. I don't think there's a single professional or college sport that he doesn't watch. I swear if something cataclysmic happened and the only sports related thing on t.v. was pro bowling he'd be watching, riveted as if it were the world series.

Usually this isn't a problem. I've gotten used to it. If there's a game on he's going to be watching it, and often times the first thing he does when stepping in the door is turning the t.v. or radio to whatever game is on at the moment. I've given up trying to get his attention while sports are on, because at best what I request is only half-heard, and at worst it's totally ignored.

The part that bothers me about it, is that a few weeks ago as we were discussing a party we were going to be having, I told him it was very important to me to not have the t.v. on during the party. He acted appalled that I would even suggest that he would do such a rude thing, but I specifically said that no matter what game was on, we were not going to be watching it during the party- that's what we have Tivo for.

So this weekend came, and we had our party Saturday evening. He had the t.v. on all day on football games while we did party prep. He was generally helpful (even if I did have to ask him to set up the chairs six times...) and when I asked him to turn the t.v. off about an hour before the party, he did. He kept our son entertained while I finished the last of the food prep, and guests started to arrive. What did he do 5 minutes after the first guest arrived? Turned the damn t.v. on to a baseball game! I pulled him into the kitchen and asked him to please turn it off, and he said, "Well, it's just on in the background and I'll have it on mute the whole time." I told him I was going to unplug it if he didn't turn it off right now. I reminded him that we'd discussed this a few times (including this morning) and that it was *very* important to me that he choose not to have it on. He told me it wasn't that big a deal, and proceded to go talk with guests and leave the t.v. on. After about 10 minutes of him casting little glances at me, I did what I had promised and turned off the t.v. and unplugged it. Nothing was said, and I really don't think that anyone noticed.

Later in the evening (After everyone was gone and Kid was in bed) he yelled at me for making a scene over the t.v. I asked him again why it had to be on, especially when I made a very specific request that it not be on, and told him that it was important to me that he not watch sports during an even that was important to me. He repeated again that having the t.v. on for the game wasn't a big deal to anyone but me and that it was fine for him to do it.

I swear it's crap like this that makes me want to just abandon the relationship. His biggest complaint is that I'm not clear with him on what I want from him, and I made very sure to be clear with him that this was something that was very important to me and STILL it gets pushed to the side. At least I know what I'm going to suggest for this week's counseling topic.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

A Well Deserved Break

In counseling this week our counselor declared that we’ve been spending a lot of time talking about core issues and dealing with big painful messy things, and that we deserve a break.

Now as nice as that sounds, we go to counseling to get our arguing done there so we don’t argue as much at home. It seems that we are incapable of rational discussion on our own, but with another adult in the room we can work through issues and come to solutions that are, you know, actual solutions (gasp!) instead of reverting to the Kindergarten tactics of screaming, “Fine!” at each other. We both have to psych ourselves up for counseling because it is serious exhausting work to talk about this crap for an hour. But we go in there, work for an hour, and come out feeling some sense of accomplishment or closure concerning an issue

So when the counselor announced that we were taking a break on all the ugly stuff this week, we both thought it was going to be a wasted fluffy hour.

It turned out to be one of the best things we’ve done in a long time.

He gave us each a sheet of paper and a pen then asked us to take a few minutes to list what our spouse is doing well in the relationship. After a few minutes, the counselor asked us to also list some specific instances from the past week when our spouse made us feel especially loved. The things that were helping my husband in his recovery really surprised me.

His list included:
1. I told you that I needed a seam on my pants repaired and you did it that same evening.
2. You did a load of laundry in the middle of the week just because you knew I wanted to wear a certain shirt on an appointment the next day.
3. You take care of more than your share of household things, especially for the baby.
4. You have been working a lot more than we originally agreed that you would work by now.

There were some other things, but a few are too personal to share. All but one of his listed items were about acts of service-- things that I do or did for him. I really didn't think the pants were that big of a deal, and same on the middle-of-the-week laundry, but apparently it spoke volumes to him.

My list included:
1. You brought me single rose earlier in the week on a whim.
2. Since I brought up the fact that I was upset with having the t.v. on so much you've been asking fairly often if I would like to talk about anything before we relax.
3. When you help me pack the baby's things for daycare in the morning, it takes a lot of stress off of me.
4. You have not once this week complained about what a disaster the house is, even though it's really bad right now.

They're such little things, but they've meant a lot to both of us. And having the break from working on all the hard topics was definitely needed. I know we'll get back to the real work next week, but seeing on paper what the good things were reminded me why I stay and why I have hope that we can still be together in a good way.

Friday, September 29, 2006


Last night WS kind of cornered me and told me I needed to tell him what was going on. I've been kind of mopey lately, I know, but there's been a ton going on at work, and our son is going through some teething and a growth spurt that has made him a total crank to hang out with. I'm just plain tired, and any thought I put into our relationship just makes me that much more depressed.

Anyway, he was really pushing on me to talk even though I told him I didn't want to talk, but he kept pushing so I told him that I'm very unhappy in our relationship. I think we've reverted to exactly where we were before the affair. Once our kid is asleep we turn on the t.v. and veg until bedtime. There's no real talking (unless you count arguing) and no romance. Not even little tiny things. It's not like we hold hands or even sit close to each other while we watch t.v. I swear there's a damn line down the middle of the couch or bed to keep us from invading the other's space.

I told him that I'm terrified because I see that we're where we were pre-affair, and that really triggers me. Some little things have improved like he usually lays with me as we're falling asleep, and he's trying to remember to kiss me and say hello when he comes home from work instead of launching into how his work day was crap or how the house is a disaster. Those things really are helpful for me, but at some point I want to stop living like roomates with my own husband! We make the big parenting decisions together, we generally co-exist well, and as long as we ignore the fact that there is supposed to be something more to our relationship, we are splendid.

It sucks.

When I brought up the romance factor, he shot back that I don't do anything romantic for him either. Why the hell would I set up candles and roses and wear lingerie for a man that would come home, see all that and say, "that's really nice, hon, but I'd really just like to watch the end of the game and relax before bed. Rain check?"

And I'm not making that up. It's happened before in our marriage. A few times, actually. I've given up, and rightfully so I think. I am too fragile to handle the rejection right now.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


One of the most important things to WS is for everyone to think of him as the best and brightest. He’s not overly obnoxious about it—not in a “guy you love to hate” kind of way—but he gives off an air of infallibility that really gets to me.

When we were dating this seemed like a perfect thing. I'm very non-decisive about things that don't really matter like whether to have hamburgers or pasta for dinner. Having to make those decisions actually annoys me because there are so many other things in my life that suck the energy out of me. So when WS came along and actually chose those things for me, it was wonderful.

It was about 2 years into our marriage that this started to bother me. I still don't care that he chooses which restaurant we go to 99% of the time, but what bothers me is that sometimes he decides that he needs to "teach" me how to be decisive, and then proceeds to try to bully me into choosing what specific kind of paper towels to buy or some other equally unimportant thing. My thought on the matter is that I have to make important decisions all day long, and when I'm home from work, the only important thing I want to have to think about is any serious stuff that might come up with my son.

This bothers WS to no end because of the impression he says it gives his coworkers, friends, etc. that I am some kind of humble housewife. (HAHAHAHA!) Apparently I'm not close enough to the end of the spectrum labeled Trophy Wife.

Now, I could care less what he thinks about the impression I give. I dress up, take care of my body and lovingly support him at all those alcohol-laden work functions. I don't drink a ton and I don't brag about my latest big projects to people I don't know, and supposedly that is all it takes to get dumped into the "Humble Housewife" bin. This little on-going quarrel between us has never really bothered me before, but the reason I've been thinking about it a lot lately is that in counseling the other night, our counselor asked WS why he chose to stay with me rather than pursuing his girlfriend further. WS's answer was that divorcing his wife for another woman would leave a mark on his character that would affect his career and friendships. No mention that he stayed because he loves me or even a mention of staying for the wellbeing of our son. Just that he wanted his "character" to be intact.

Because the actual having of the affair doesn't say loads about one's character, you know.

When I asked him to clarify, he realized that he had really stepped in it, and tried to backpedal with a "Well, I know that I love you now. I was just really confused then, and that's just what went through my mind about why I should stay..."

So what I took away from last session is that he will sacrifice just about anything if it will make him look better to the outside world. And this is the man in whom I'm supposed to place my trust.

Monday, September 25, 2006


Before the affair, I would have rated our sex life a 7/10. I wished he was willing to be a little more playful and I wished that we would have sex more often (it was usually 1-2 times a week), but those were small things. I was mostly very happy in that area. We worked well together and each took the time to take care of each other's needs.

No we're at a 2/10. Sex is infrequent at best, and it's so mechanical now that it's hardly worth trying. It used to be that I wanted to have sex 4-5 times a week, and now it's more like 2-3 times a month. And even when I do want to have sex, I never get where I need to go, if you know what I mean. That was never a problem before. It was fairly easy for me to reach orgasm, but now I can't. Too much going through my head, and no more passion between us.

So we have sex about half the time he asks, and it's really only so-so, because I just can't get into it with him anymore. Any solution for that?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Daily Living

On the daily side of things, life is generally the same.

And I hate it.

There's been this big life-changing event in my life, and still daily living is the same. I go to work, come home, greet the sitter, play with my son for a short while, then work until dinner, enjoy the evening with my son, put him to bed just as WS is getting home, and then WS and I sit in front of the t.v. or the computers until bed. Then we get up and do it all again. We don't have real conversations, we don't have romance, we don't have anything different than the situation that led us to this place. What makes it worse is that when I bring it up WS will agree with me that we need to be doing more of those things and that it really would help, but when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to actually make the change. And there's part of me that doesn't want to do it either. After I get the kid into bed, I'm exhausted. My brain is jello and I feel like I don't have anything intelligent to contribute. I spend all day being intelligent and witty and diplomatic, and honestly I'm just wiped out by the time 8 p.m. rolls around.

Weekends have been better since the affair though. We both cut back our work schedules to the point that we can still afford things but we actually spend the day as a family on Saturdays. It used to be that WS worked most of Saturday but took Mondays off, and I worked Mondays but took Saturdays off. Sundays are dedicated to seeing my family or his depending on the week.

I wish there were more changes that would happen. I wish WS would take the time to be romantic with me, even if it's just on the weekends. And I know I need to be more firm about not working on the computer after 8 and making our together time actual together time.

The thing that just makes me seeth with anger is that the Other Woman (OW) suffers no consequences. She didn't have a boyfriend or husband to cheat on. She did get her feelings hurt when WS chose his family over her, but that's about it. She doesn't have to spend the next year or 2 or 10 worrying that her life partner might actually be hooking up with someone else, or that each little time that a shopping trip takes 15 minutes extra that he's hiding out talking on the phone to another woman. She doesn't have to spend the next few years going through individual counseling and marriage counseling just hoping that she'll feel something again for the man she's married to.

No- she gets to go back to her daily life, same as before while I go back to mine under the incredible added strain of a broken relationship.

Friday, September 15, 2006


We're coming up on the anniversary of the day that WS proposed to me. I'm not one of those girls that holds on to every single date-- first date, first kiss, met the parents, etc.-- but I do remember the date that we decided that we were a real couple, the date that he proposed, and of course our wedding date. When the date came that we were officially together for 6 years, I was a total wreck. Nothing bad happened- there were no arguments or triggers other than the fact that it's an important date to me concerning our relationship. I'm anticipating that the anniversary of his proposal will be an equally bad day.

And of course now there's another anniversary to remember-- D-day. That date is burned into my mind forever. He doesn't remember the date because he doesn't think in those terms, but it is something that I will never forget, no matter how good our relationship gets.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

About Us

My husband (WS) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 5. We have 1 child, a toddler.

Before the affair, I would have classified our relationship as good. We genuinely liked each other and spending time together. We are both interested in the same things (although we do have separate interests as well). We spent a lot of time together and I believe that except for certain areas we were happy together. I know there were issues in our relationship, and I know there were problems on both sides. There always are in relationships that lead to an affair. I honestly didn't believe they were anything big enough or bad enough to cause something this big.

It took us two years and multiple tests and infertility treatments to finally conceive our son. When he was born, I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved, and I knew WS felt the same. And the love I felt for WS was phenomenal. I wanted more than anything to have a family of my own. But then I had a serious bout with Post Partum Depression that lasted until my son was over 6 months old. I know now that part of the depression was because WS had pulled away from me. He thought I loved our son more than I loved him and was jealous over the amount of attention that had to be spent on the baby-- attention that he used to get.

Our Dday was in May 2006. His affair started as a friendship when I was still pregnant with our son. It became an affair when I was at the height of dealing with the PPD and he confessed it to me in May after it had been going on for 4 months. He couldn't choose between us, and told me he was pretty sure he was going to leave us.

I spent 3 days unable to sleep or eat. I know 3 days doesn't sound like a very long time, but to be honest, it felt like 3 months to me. Every minute was an hour, every hour an entire day. Finally on that 3rd day he told me to start packing. (Long story as to why I was leaving and not him, but it's neither here nor there now). He called me an hour later and told me that he had changed his mind and had already ended things with the Other Woman. I told him to stop fucking with me-- I had a lot of packing to do. Then he started crying and said he really wanted a chance to make things up to me. He came home a few hours later, and he's stayed ever since.

We're four months out now. I waiver on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis on whether or not I should stay in this realtionship or abandon it. Some days I think I should have just let him go. Some days I can't imagine a life without him. I still trigger almost daily. I'm constantly worried that he's still lying to me. I'm waiting for him to do something to win me back.

We're in marriage counseling, but until WS starts actually facing some of his issues, that is going nowhere. He has a reason behind every stupid thing he does, and he defends himself to the bitter end.

This blog is going to be a space for me to sort though all the crap I deal with day to day. I know it more than likely doesn't matter to anyone else, but this isn't about anyone else. It's about me and what I need to do to work through my mess of a life.