Family

I have come to realize in the last few years exactly how important family is to me. Not my family as in my own parents, but having a family of my own. Having a husband that is loving and supportive, and having children of my own and raising them in a loving home. Part of this realization came through dealing with infertility in trying to have our son. It took quite a bit of medical testing and procedures to conceive him, and I think that is where the first disconnect came between me and my husband.

I was on the daily end of dealing with the infertility, monitoring my temperature daily, taking medications, doing injections... and WS? Well, he was there for the sex, and that was about it. Even when I told him how important it was to me that he come to the doctors appointments and that he help me out when I was dealing with side effects of the meds, he was careful to sidestep the issue and say that he would come to the doctor with me once I was pregnant, leaving me to wonder, "what if I never am?"

He was good to his word. Once I got pregnant he was there for every doctor's appointment but one, and he really beat himself up about not going to that one. The thing is, I needed him before that. I needed him while I was trying to cope with cycle after cycle of failure. I have only ever felt abandonment like that 2 other times in my life. Once with my parents, and when I found out about the affair.

In my faith, I cannot remarry if I am divorced. My chance for a family is with WS. Even though there are so many serious issues between us, throwing my hands in the air and saying, "enough already!" would mean giving up the one thing that is so valuable to me-- a family of my own.

So I have to figure out how to forgive all of this so that we can function as a family. So that I can function as a wife and a woman.