A Well Deserved Break

In counseling this week our counselor declared that we’ve been spending a lot of time talking about core issues and dealing with big painful messy things, and that we deserve a break.

Now as nice as that sounds, we go to counseling to get our arguing done there so we don’t argue as much at home. It seems that we are incapable of rational discussion on our own, but with another adult in the room we can work through issues and come to solutions that are, you know, actual solutions (gasp!) instead of reverting to the Kindergarten tactics of screaming, “Fine!” at each other. We both have to psych ourselves up for counseling because it is serious exhausting work to talk about this crap for an hour. But we go in there, work for an hour, and come out feeling some sense of accomplishment or closure concerning an issue

So when the counselor announced that we were taking a break on all the ugly stuff this week, we both thought it was going to be a wasted fluffy hour.

It turned out to be one of the best things we’ve done in a long time.

He gave us each a sheet of paper and a pen then asked us to take a few minutes to list what our spouse is doing well in the relationship. After a few minutes, the counselor asked us to also list some specific instances from the past week when our spouse made us feel especially loved. The things that were helping my husband in his recovery really surprised me.

His list included:
1. I told you that I needed a seam on my pants repaired and you did it that same evening.
2. You did a load of laundry in the middle of the week just because you knew I wanted to wear a certain shirt on an appointment the next day.
3. You take care of more than your share of household things, especially for the baby.
4. You have been working a lot more than we originally agreed that you would work by now.

There were some other things, but a few are too personal to share. All but one of his listed items were about acts of service-- things that I do or did for him. I really didn't think the pants were that big of a deal, and same on the middle-of-the-week laundry, but apparently it spoke volumes to him.

My list included:
1. You brought me single rose earlier in the week on a whim.
2. Since I brought up the fact that I was upset with having the t.v. on so much you've been asking fairly often if I would like to talk about anything before we relax.
3. When you help me pack the baby's things for daycare in the morning, it takes a lot of stress off of me.
4. You have not once this week complained about what a disaster the house is, even though it's really bad right now.


They're such little things, but they've meant a lot to both of us. And having the break from working on all the hard topics was definitely needed. I know we'll get back to the real work next week, but seeing on paper what the good things were reminded me why I stay and why I have hope that we can still be together in a good way.