When I think through the issues between WS and myself, I find that the thing I'm most upset about right now is all the lying. He has always been dishonest about silly little things in our relationship, and now I know that I should have seen it for the big flashing sign that it was. And after our discussion last night, I think the lying has been trained into my husband by his parents.
WS and I have been talking about parenting stuff around here a lot lately because our toddler son has started displaying some behavior I'd like to get handled now rather than later. It's mostly tantrum type things, and some of what I consider to be "baby backtalk" and I want to teach him now that that's not the way to express himself. I've been reading a lot and talking with a couple girlfriends about how they've handled this at this age, and I brought it up to WS to ask his opinion.
He immediately brought up spanking as the only way to handle this and it launched us into a debate over why we should or shouldn't spank. Spanking was used in my family as a terror tactic, and I really think that in my brother's case it bordered on abuse. The emotional abuse in my family is insane. Spanking was used by my husband's family for only one thing: Lying. WS was spanked everytime he was caught in a lie, and while his parents never got crazy with the spanking, it taught WS to be extremely sneaky so that he wouldn't get caught.
When his parents found out about the affair, they were stunned, and while they said it was wrong of him and that he needed to do the right thing and stay with his family, they tried to find every reason for him to have done this-- going so far as to suggest that he must have multiple personalities because the son that they know and love would *never* do such a thing! His mother even brought him part of her prescription for anti-depressants because that would "fix him right up."
WS has everyone fooled with his lying, and in a way I think this was created in him because of his parents. Do you think parents really can mold that type of thing? Is it possible that WS's parents set him up for his affair? If that really is part of the reason behind this event, it scares me to think that this can be passed on to our son. I want to prevent that if it's a possibility. I want to parent him to understand and live concepts like trust and responsibility.
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3 comments:
It must be hard when you have differing parenting beliefs. I am truly lucky in this area because my husband and I have the same beliefs.
I truly believe that parents have alot to do with how we turn out as adults. A persons upbringing can mean that certain traits develop. I have frequently read that if your childhood lacks something then you usually overcompensate for that as an adult.
I feel my husband was never shown enough love during his childhood and therefore craves love now.
I don't know about the spanking and lying connection, but certainly believe it could impact his life now.
It certainly seems plausible that the lesson WS learned was to become a better liar, not to stop lying. Kudos for him for identifying it. Having said that, its time to work on honesty. And spanking, while more prevalent than I would have believed before becoming a parent, often teaches the "wrong" lesson. Of course, it also sometimes works.
Having told many lies in the context of our relationship, I blame no one but myself.
It would often start with me telling a little white lie to avoid a confrontation over something that was entirely innocent. That would develop into a bigger lie and before too long your life is full of untruth.
My wife and I are back trying again and as a part of that, I'm making a huge effort to be completely honest about every little thing.
It's working so far.
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