Saturday, October 28, 2006

"I love you" Afterthoughts

We had it out last night. Boy did we. We were disagreeing about an issue, and he kept saying “Why can’t you understand…” and repeating the same point over and over and over to me without letting me respond to him. I finally said, “please don’t speak to me like that! When you say “why can’t you understand” it makes me feel incredibly stupid.” He launched into me over that, how it wasn’t about how that phrase made me feel, it was about the intention with which he said it.
Our son woke up right then, and I went in to rock him awhile. He’s been very restless at night, and last night started a fever, so I think he may be teething again. WS followed me into the baby’s room and yelled at me more and I told him to stop yelling, it was scaring the baby. He told me not to come back in until I was willing to be reasonable and talk.

I rocked my son for a long time past when he was back to sleep because I needed the breather. I needed to clear my head so I could really think about things. When I went back in I was determined to just let the whole thing drop. I was tired, and I didn’t want to talk anymore when there was no progress to be made. He pushed me over and over again, and I finally told him what was going through my mind—that I don’t think I can forgive him for things that happened in our relationship prior to the affair. That I don’t know if I can forgive the affair. That he makes me feel like an idiot when I talk to him. Like I waste his time. And he asked me if I even love him anymore.

******

A few nights ago, he came home a little drunk. His friend deposited him on our doorstep after a night with the guys, and it was actually pretty funny. WS rarely drinks this much, and he gets funny when he’s drunk. We talked and laughed for awhile and at some point he looked at me with bloodshot eyes and told me he loved me so much. I told him to try saying it when he was a little more sober, and he insisted that it wasn’t the alcohol talking. It was all him, he said, and that he meant every word- “I love you so much. I wish I could erase everything.”

I started to cry. I don’t cry, but this—this tore me down. And he told me not to be sad, that I should be happy that he was saying it for once. I told him it meant nothing to me. He said he loved me even while he was trying to decide between me and his mistress, and I realized that I didn’t believe him now when he said that he loved me. How could he say he loved me while he was thinking of leaving me (the old “I love you but I’m not in love with you” cliche) and then think he could use that same “I love you” now when he supposedly is back “in love” with me?

******

So when he asked me last night if I even loved him anymore, I weighed everything that had happened between us, pre-affair and post-affair, and I told him that I still loved him.

And he told me he didn’t believe me.

I think I love him. I want a life with him. I just don’t want the one we have right now.

4 comments:

The Cat said...

This really is hard work isn't it ?

I hope it doesn't hurt this much for much longer.

Determined said...

*sigh*
life...it's just so painful and confusing, isn't it?

kissmekate said...

I can relate to EVERYTHING you have said.

You have so much doubt and you need to hear him say those things to you. But when he does say those things you still question it.

I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from. I have the EXACT same issues and doubts.

I hope you are moving forward and each day becomes minutely easier for you.

NaiveNoMore said...

Thank you for the comments. In some ways it helps to know that other people have been where I am, and in some ways it makes me feel that much worse. How dare there be so many people dealing with infidelity in their relationships!

Thank you for your kind words.