Hitting Refresh

Matt asked me to marry him.


Again.


So we're getting "re-married" in January. New vows, non-traditional, just us and a very select group of about 5 people who have helped us through everything.


We're having a do-over if you will. No starry-eyed "so in love" wedding. This is a ceremony of commitment and a fresh page for us... remembering the past to make our future better. There is nothing about this that makes me think "oh, this is really it" or anything like that. It's just a way for both of us to acknowledge the work we've both put in to our relationship and that we are ready to be a different couple than we've been before.


I know there are all different feelings about a ceremony of this sort, and until recently I would never have considered it. In fact, the thought of renewing a commitment to Matt just about made me sick. I'm ready now though. I'm ready to commit myself back to the relationship with my eyes fully opened. I'm ready to see where we're going.

Down to the Real Problems

Matt and I have spent the last few weeks in pretty intensive counseling. Two or three times a week we've been going, trying to hash things out.

Our problems:

1. I have this overwhelming desire to analyze every single aspect of every single thing that happens in my life. It's how I've always been. I don't remember ever being different than this.

2. Matt has the overwhelming desire to bury everything and pretend it doesn't exist.

3. When I try to analyze things with him he wants to bury it and run off and I drive him mad and he drives me mad.

This is basically what it comes down to. There are other nitpicky problems, but basically it's the fact that we're polar opposites that is causing us problems at this point. And they're not bad problems any more. Just getting on each other's nerves every once in awhile problems. We're working on how to manage these little problems as they come up so that neither of us bottle it up and then explode on the other person. Or let it get so bad that we contemplate leaving.

And you know what I realized after last night's session? None of this has revolved around affair-related things. These are the true problems in our relationship-- nothing to do with that one action.

Ahhh, relief.

Future Things

I suppose we might be alright now. I'm taking one thing as a major sign. Matt keeps talking about future things.

He has two vacations planned-- a family vacation for the 4 of us, and a get-away for just us.

It wasn't very long ago that I would have thought him to be awfully bold thinking like that. I might have even said, "who even knows if there will be an *us* next year to go on a vacation?" I don't say that to him, but I still think it. I'm trying not to and I'm trying to be enthusiastic about the fact that he is planning for us.

I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last year and a half. Every bit of my day is spent planning and organizing and worrying over the mundane things of every day life. If I don't do it no one will, and it must be done... I wish I was able to stretch myself creatively again-- not for a client-- just for myself...

In a way I wish I could go back to who I was before finding out about Matt's affair. I miss my fun creative self. I don't really wish it though-- I never want to be that naive again.

Success

All this craziness the last 6 or 8 weeks between me and Matt? Turns out it was me.

I'd say my fault, but there's no fault in this. It is post partum depression on a massive level. I don't want to do details, but I wasn't sleeping at all and was highly paranoid-- enough that Matt took me in to my doctor who promptly put me on meds and I'm back to myself finally.

So in celebration of having my brain back, I have a positive and uplifting question for you.

What in your life makes you feel successful? Your career? your kids? Spouse? Finishing your "to do" list?

I felt succesful on a personal level once I'd been in business for about 2 years. I wasn't working crazy hours building the business up anymore because I had steady clients and I really loved me work. I never imagined feeling more successful that I was in that place.

Then I had Michael. The first few months were chaos. I had imagined motherhood to be a completely different thing than it actually was and I was unprepared for that. However, when Michael was about 6 months old I realized that I had never felt so competent.

Now, of course, I alternate between feeling like I'm on top of everything kid-wise and feeling like I need to give him to real parents who might actually know how to get those vegetables into him without a war breaking out everytime. But hey-- that's life with a pre-schooler, right?

So what makes you feel successful?

Tagged

I've been tagged by akakarma-- so I'll play.

Instructions;
1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.

So, seven weird facts about me...

1. I always do the crosswords in the daily paper. I do them in little bits throughout the day, but if I don't get it finished before bed I dream about the clues. Very weird, I know.

2. If there is more than one item on my dinner plate, I eat clockwise and all of one item before moving on to the next, starting with the food I like the least. It's some kind of strange compulsion.

3. I have to have things organized in front of me before I can start any type of project. I used to make endless amounts of lists and charts on paper, but now I have a folder on my computer just for my list-making.

4. I always hope that fortune cookies will prove to be true.

5. I'm on a diet (a fact which is neither strange nor random, but is making me progressively grumpier).

6. I used to read like crazy. Even after Michael was born I spent any free time reading book after book. I can't remember the last book I read for pleasure...

7. When I was a kid my mom told me that she thought I would grow up to be in a certain profession and I did just about everything possible to ensure that that wouldn't happen (just because I have this undeniable urge to do the precise opposite of absolutely everything she says). Yet, here I am, in exactly the place she predicted I'd be. And she was right- I do love my job.

I won't tag anyone, but if you do decide to play along with this, post a comment here so I can come and read your post. :)

Love Languages

We finished reading the Love Languages book. I started it back in June and then it got put aside until this week, and Matt and I had a sort of marathon reading session.


Matt's love language is acts of service, specifically the house being clean. That speaks volumes to him when I get things done around the house. Of course that's the lowest score I had, and it is the hardest one for me to do because I just don't think that way. I'm trying very hard this week and I've been somewhat successful. I'll get better.


My love language is physical touch. I need that type of contact all the time or I feel completely cut off. And once again Matt and I are opposites and that is his lowest score. He doesn't think of touching me affectionately outside of sex so it doesn't happen often. He has promised to try to be better too, just as I'm trying to be better about acts of service for him.

It was nice to have something structured to talk through. Half the time when we talk about us I feel like we both just ramble aimlessly. Apparently we need to go to counseling more often to relearn how to talk to each other.

Order

We've had a few weeks now of "normal" life. Jack is doing well, Michael is well, and I'm getting back into work (still stressed there but things are coming together). We've pretty much adjusted to the boys being home with me for now, but we're still looking for part time care so that I can be a little more productive when I'm working rather than working in 10 minutes intervals.

Matt and I haven't been talking about any relationship stuff. To be honest it has been hard for me because this has consumed my brain for over a year now (save the time when Jack was born and in the hospital) and I went about 3 lovely days without thinking about it and then the other night woke up in a panic with all these horrible relationship related thoughts pounding through my head. I didn't talk to Matt about it. I'm trying to talk myself down. I know Matt has appreciated the break though, and that is worth it.

I'm feeling psychotic again. It's how I spent all of last summer and fall-- feeling like a maniac. Only then it was because I compulsively went over every detail of Matt's day, checking his phone and bank records, searching his computer, everything I could possibly do to make myself feel like he might really be telling the truth. I needed hard evidence of that fact. I haven't been searching again. I feel crazy now because the stress in my life is eating me alive. Just the work of trying to take care of our financial situation keeps me up til ungodly hours. We're in pretty bad shape now because I've basically not been working since July, and before that was working in a very limited capacity. So we've eaten through half of our savings even though we cut back our living expenses quite a bit when I went on bed rest, and we're still waiting on a few hospital bills to get through the insurance process.

I'm really struggling with PPD this time. Or maybe it's not PPD and it's general depression. I don't know. I really don't feel overwhelmed by the mothering part of life. I'm loving having my boys home with me most of the time. It's the rest of life that is sucking me dry. Finances, trying to get work going again, Matt... if I have to give any more of myself, I'm going to fall over. I really feel like I'm alone in dealing with everything, and if I bring anything up I'm putting stress on Matt that he doesn't want/need and that will just push him away again.

I don't know how to balance things right now. I can't seem to talk to him about things that really need to be addressed without it turning into a major fiasco, but keeping it to myself is eating me up. I am a smart woman. Why the hell can't I figure out how to bring order to my life?

I'm feeling very foolish right about now.

Thank you, akakarma

From akaKarma in the comments of last post:

You two are deservedly exhausted right now. Sometimes all you can do is retreat
to your separate corners and heal a bit, lick wounds before you are able to come
together again. The little stuff is the hardest stuff isn't it? It wears you
down. I was not prepared for marriage and motherhood and how hard it was. When
my H had hid A I was at the pinnacle of feeling like it was drudgery (even tho I
was crazy for my child) and I felt like I was slogging thru the mud every day. I
think he did too and found a way out in fantasy- a choice I like to think I
wouldn't have made. Hang in there and just see what happens- stop working so
hard to be perfect and connected- just be for awhile. If you both can just
commit to staying out of other relationships that might be enuf right now?

Wow, did that comment speak to me. Thank you very much for it.

I brought this up to Matt, and he was tremendously relieved. We're both tired of working hard at this-- it's all we've been doing for the last year, and we need a break. So our break has had the following rules: Spend time together or apart as we want to, no expectations on Matt sleeping in our room or not, no relationship talk (including separation), no seeing other people.

We've been on our "break" for a week, and Matt has come home at a decent hour almost every night since, and has asked me to watch movies or spend time with him a few evenings. He's slept in our bed with me every night but the first. Last night he asked what he could do to help me get my work life back on track.

Was I putting that much pressure on him-- on us? Apparently so and I didn't see it. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I never know how to deal with things anymore. This is just another example.

Akakarma? You may have saved us for now.

My Chosen Path

We all make decisions that direct our path. There are the big decisions that are easy to see-- mile markers if you will. Getting married or divorced, having a child, buying a house and other such choices are the mile markers in our lives. I remember a lot of things lately as "when I was pregnant with Michael" or "when Michael had just turned one" or "just after we got married". It's hard for me to say exactly when something happened by precise date until I think of the mile marker event that it is nearest to.

Those big decisions are so easy to see and it is easy to give them the proper weight that they deserve when considering your options. I thought for a long time about whether or not I should marry Matt and rightly so. It's a decision that changes the path of your life and there's no telling the new direction.

And then there are those small decisions that you can't know about or prepare for. Like choosing to take a certain route home-- not your normal route, but a way that gets you there just the same. You might get home the same as always, but you also might get in an accident you may not have gotten in if you had just kept to your normal route.

My chosen path, as Matt was referring to in last post, was my decision to stay and work things out in our relationship. He acknowledges that once he decided to stay that I also had a decision to make considering the devastation to our relationship post-affair. I chose to stay and work.

And this is how things have turned out. We kind of just survived until last February when something seemed to click inside Matt's head and suddenly he got it and made drastic changes. He's kept the big changes (no close relationships with other women, letting me know what he's up to when he's out outside of work hours, keeping his accounts and phone open to me, etc.) but all the small things? Poof. Disappeared.

Why?

He's tired of keeping it up.

And I understand that. I'm tired of this whole thing too. It's not about the affair anymore. It's about us and the problems we have in trying to maintain our relationship. I've been feeling particularly awful in this relationship for several weeks now. I kept trying to pinpoint the problem and couldn't so I finally decided that I must be in a weird place and I'd get over it. And then in having a mundane argument (something household related that I don't remember) he said that this is what I've chosen for myself. And that's when it hit me.

I've put myself here, and I hate where I am on my chosen path.

Back Again

Since I was last here...

1. We pulled Michael out of the daycare program he was in. Four of the teachers quit or resigned within one week, and that makes me really nervous about the management of the place. So we are looking for a new program or private care, which is really stressing me out for some reason. I don't even know why, but it's constantly on my mind.

2. Because of this, I'm kind of doing the stay-at-home mom thing right now, but trying to work at least part time because I need to get my income flowing again, and I can't do that unless I'm billing hours. So I'm doing mommy stuff most of the day and then working during Michael's afternoon naptime (which Jack currently sleeps through too, thank goodness!) and then for a few hours every evening after the boys are in bed. I'm going to need to start trying to get up earlier than them too and see if I can at least answer emails or something small before they get up.

3. Matt and I talked about separating last week. I can't talk to him anymore, and he works late so that he doesn't have to come home. I'm not sure how we got back here, but I know that this time around I don't care. I can't keep cycling through this with him. I can't do this every year for the rest of our lives. The thought of separating from him exhausts me... I'm worried about managing everything on my own, but at the same time, I'm already managing 95% on my own, what's that last 5% going to do to me? And at the same time, separating might be a relief... I'm tired of trying to make a relationship work when he's not doing his part anymore. When he was working at it things were going well. Now he's decided that he's done enough work and it should all be over by now. That's what he told me. He told me that I chose this path for us and I need to live with how it turned out.

So he's usually leaving for work before we're up in the morning (or he hangs around basically just long enough to say good morning to the boys) and then he doesn't come home until just before Michael's bedtime. He spends a little time with Michael for about 20 minutes before helping to put him to bed then retreats to his office and either comes to bed after I'm asleep or sleeps in the other room. No real decision has been made yet, so we'll see where this goes.

I apologize for being offline for awhile, but I've been trying to manage life here, and I don't really want to apologize for that, you know?

Update

Jack has been back in the hospital. He had an infection, and it's gone now but he just came home two days ago. Thank goodness for amazing doctors that were able to quickly diagnose and treat him.

Life is kind of falling apart right now. Matt is working a ton, all of my energy has gone into the boys, and I'm majorly stressed about getting back into work. Because of my extended absence I've lost a few clients and when I start contacting current clients on Monday I'm sure I'll find that they've found other options as well. I'm afraid I'm in for several months of rebuilding.

I haven't really seen Matt since Sunday night. He went to the hospital with me that night, and then I saw him briefly Monday morning before he went to work and I went to the hospital. He didn't come home until after 10 Monday night and last night. Hopefully work stuff will settle soon for him too...

Last Night

Last night I went to the hospital to see Jack and there was a new baby in the NICU. The parents came in after I'd been there for awhile, the father pushing the mother's wheelchair. He parked her as close to their baby's bed as he could, and she started crying when she saw their little one. He crouched next to her and I could tell that he was repeating back whatever it was that the doctor had told him about their little one. She broke down and sobbed into her hands. He put his arms around her and held her for the longest time. They talked again for a little while and then he kissed her lightly on the lips and the way he looked at her-- like he'd never been more in love, even though it was one of the most difficult places to be...


I want Matt to look at me like that. god, I want to look at him like that.

Lifting Fog

I woke up yesterday just after 5 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. After I rolled around for 20 minutes trying to settle in somewhere, Matt asked what was wrong. I was worried about Jack, but I didn't want to say that at first. I immediately flashed to anger because a part of me started screaming inside that he should know what was wrong-- Jack is still sick! Isn't that enough to keep me up?

I didn't say anything though. Thank goodness.

After a few near silent minutes I told him that I felt like I needed to see Jack right then. Matt didn't say anything for a second, and then he asked if I needed him to come too. I told him I didn't-- it was enough that he had asked.

I got to the hospital just after the sun came up. His overnight nurse was surprised to see me. I don't usually go in until closer to 8 a.m. As I washed my hands in preparation to go into the NICU, I asked about his overnight progress and she answered rather vaguely that he was doing as well as could be expected. She started to walk away and then said, "The doctor wants to talk to you and your husband this morning. Will Matt be able to come in?"

I almost started crying, and I asked what time he should come. She told me to go ahead and call him if he would be awake. I immediately went back out to the family room to call. Matt said he'd be there in a few minutes.

The nurses don't say much. I don't know all the rules about what they are and aren't allowed to tell us, but I know they don't tell us very much. They tell me if he fussed much during the night and how much breast milk he was able to take through his tube, what his weight and vitals were when they last checked-- those types of things. When we ask more detailed questions they always refer us to either the nurse practitioner or the neo-natologist. When I went back in after calling Matt the nurse noticed that I had been crying and she came and sat with me next to Jack's little bed. It's a heated bed since he can't yet maintain his own body heat, and it has clear plastic sides that fold down to make it easy to get to him when needed. She folded down the side closest to us so that I could rub my finger on his side and let him close his fist around my finger. Tears started again.

"It's not a bad talk," she said. "He'll explain when he gets here, but you should know that it's not a bad talk."

I nodded, because I couldn't talk.

The neonatologist came in just after Matt got there. He told us that Jack's improvements are significant enough to try taking him off of a few of the monitors one at a time. He gave us the order they would go in, and the timeline, and as long as all goes well we might be able to try to nurse by the end of the week. If nursing doesn't work out (it's more difficult for early babies I guess because they don't suck as well, and also he's been eating through a tube these last few weeks) then we will try the bottle. To go home he has to be able to eat well through either nursing or bottling, so it's a pretty significant step. And if he eats well he will have to stay just a few more days to prove that he can maintain his good health before he can come home.

So best case scenario, our little boy could be home by the end of next week. He is doing very well. I am a mess, but he is doing well. I will do better when he is home.

Melting

I'm having a very hard time right now. I've tried to write this post again and again in the last few days, but I suppose I'm out of words. At least for this. I feel like I'm being stretched a million different ways and there just isn't enough of me. I'm at the hospital a few times a day and trying to see Michael and sleep and eat in between those visits. Matt went back to work this week. I'm trying to believe that he didn't have a choice. He certainly painted it that way. I think he's just doing what he always does-- avoiding... finding an escape... I'm trying to believe him. There is no real reason to think he wouldn't be honest about needing to handle these cases right now, right? Except that my gut says not to trust him, and last time I felt like this he was having an affair... But I'm supposed to be able to trust him now, right? He has proven himself over the last few months. He's really done the work. He's been really involved. And I know that I pulled away first this time. I just can't handle all this. People keep saying to me how strong I am-- first with dealing with all the complications with Michael's birth, then dealing with the affair, and now with Jack being sick... It has nothing to do with strength. This is my life and there is nothing I can do but go through these things, apparently. I'm trying hard- I am... I just feel like I never get anywhere. Never. When do I get a chance at life being relaxed and easy for awhile? Why the hell is it never my turn? Just a week. Can I have 1 easy week? I need the break. I'm pulling too thin in all directions and I'm really feeling it. I know that not sleeping isn't helping. I want to sleep, but I can't. My doctor actually gave me something to help with that, but if I take it I want to sleep around the clock, and I need to be there with Jack.

Jack is doing alright. He hasn't been improving by much, but little by little we are seeing positive changes. Mostly he's maintaining, which is a good thing. I couldn't handle the rollercoaster much longer with him. Since he was born every time we went to visit there was more bad news, but in the last few days when I've gone in he's been either just how I left him or a little better. I needed this.

I can't ask Matt for help with this. This is one of those things where our thoughts on the topic are vastly different and I can't bear for him to shoot me down right now. He sees that Jack is getting better, so now he sees no need to worry about him or visit incessantly like I do. I *have* to be with him as much as I can. I HAVE to. I can't explain that to him, because he wouldn't understand. He understands things that have reasons and logic, and I can't explain this except to say that he's my baby and he's sick and I just have to be there with him. So we're pulling apart again, and it's because of me. But I have to. I don't think I have another choice. If he tells me that he doesn't think that I need to be there with Jack I will die inside. I can't hear those words from him. Life is already bad enough, hard enough-- if one more thing happens I will melt.

I just can't anymore.

Surviving

Jack had some complications from surgery so the 2 or 3 days afterwards we were pretty much at the hospital around the clock. We couldn't hold him-- he was just too fragile and there were too many lines and monitors to disturb. Then there was a whole day without any new complications coming up, and then another day, and then they slowly started taking him off of certain monitors. He's doing much better than he was and the only problems we've run into in the last 2 days have been minor and unrelated to the issues that put him in the NICU. We still don't know how long it will be until he is healthy enough to come home, but the neonatologist told us this morning maybe within a week or two. Having that kind of timeline has helped me to prepare myself in dealing with this next stage.

Michael is staying with grandparents. We were having to patch together a network of people to watch him while we were at the hospital, and it was really hard on him. So he is with grandparents now and much happier, but he really misses seeing me and Matt. This will all be over soon, but how do you explain that to your toddler? I mean he's a smart kid, but kids this age have no concept of time.

So that's the update. We're focusing on surviving right now, and praying for the end of all this.

Waiting

Jack (the new baby) is having a procedure done today. We're waiting. He's only been in for a little while but we have a long time more to wait until someone comes to talk to us about it. We've both been emailing and calling friends and family to let everyone know what is happening right now. I'm trying to keep busy. Busy is what I'm good at; waiting is where I suck.

The bad thing about the last year of my life has been that most of it I've spent waiting. Waiting for Matt to get his head out of his ass and figure out what he wanted, waiting to find the right meds for him, waiting for something to click in our multitudes of counseling sessions, waiting for my heart to feel something for him again, waiting for something in our lives to go right for once...

And here we are waiting again. Only this time not for us. We've been salvaged, even if there are still many pieces to mend. No, this time we're waiting for our son.

In the midst of all the worries specific to Jack, somewhere in the back of my mind the old fear has risen up-- what if this is the thing that separates me and Matt again? What if this is the thing that pushes us apart? Our natural tendencies are to withdraw from each other and look to ourselves for strength rather than each other. It has been incredibly hard, but we're trying to look to each other for help. Matt finally broke down last night and admitted that he couldn't carry all this alone.

I needed him to say that to me. I need him to need me in things like this.

Baby is Here

Baby (Jack) is here. I've just been released from the hospital, but he is still there and very very sick. We are looking at endless NICU time due to how early he is and his complications. Matt and I are basically living at the hospital right now. Thank god that my mother is able to be with our older son right now.

I am a million times better now that I am not pregnant and my body is rapidly recovering. For every little bit that I heal it seems like our son gets that much worse.

Matt was able to reschedule almost his entire month worth of work, but he has a few things each week that he absolutely must do. I spent much of yesterday informing my clients of the situation and referring them on to other people if necessary.

This has been so hard. The complications I had with Little Guy (Michael) were exactly that-- MY complications. He was healthy except for a bit of jaundice. I can deal with illness in myself, but not my kids. There is no end in sight for the baby. It seems like every time we take a break from the hospital to go eat or come home and sleep we come back to another setback or a progression in his illness, or another new worry popping up. I can hardly sleep because every time I do I dream that someone calls to tell us that he has died...

I needed so much to write all this down. I needed the release. In a way writing helps me to process things, and that is why this blog has been so helpful. I know you all come here to read about my relationship with Matt and the ups and downs there, but this is one of those things that will dramatically affect us in the days and weeks and months to come, and it is my life right now. It is the whole world right now.

Update

Sorry to be off so long, but I was in the hospital again. Baby is fine now, I'm fine now, just very tired. It is virtually impossible to sleep in a hospital between all the monitor lights, the little beeps, nurses constantly coming in for vitals... Just a few more weeks until it will be safe for this little one to come, but we discussed with the doctors all the specifics of having him early. They may need to take him early mostly for my health (which obviously affects baby's health) so we're trying to mentally prepare ourselves for a preemie. I go back to the doctor at the end of the week, and then if everything looks better every week thereafter. They want to keep a very close eye though, and if anything looks even slightly bad they'll admit me and keep me til the baby is born.


We're doing as well as can be expected right now I think. Matt was finally able to make a few changes at work so that he can be home more with our son. The kid is taking this really hard. He's not used to being in full time care like he's been for the last several weeks. He likes his teacher very well, but he's used to being with me more, so he's getting some much needed daddy time and visits with me as long as daddy is there to help supervise.


I'm trying to be as unstressed as possible. Which is nearly impossible for a person like me. I'm trying to focus on keeping myself healthy and positive.

Just a few more weeks...

Depression

The depression is getting worse. I had a doctor's visit this morning and I brought it up and the doctor wants me to see if I can wait to go on meds until after the baby is born. So I'm going to try a couple of dietary changes and he recommended a few vitamin supplements, so I'm going to try that. Hopefully it will at least take the edge off of things. He seems to think it's related to the bedrest, and the more I've thought about it since the appointment I think he's right. This isn't about Matt. He really isn't doing anything wrong. I'm not suicidal or anything, just down and crying a lot and feeling a lot of hopelessness for life in general. I'm so used to being crazy busy, and laying around like this is really getting to me.

Worries

As you can probably tell from the time stamp I'm up way late. I can't sleep anymore. Too much laying around from bedrest. So I'm out on the couch so that I don't keep Matt up. Only a few more weeks til we hit a safe point and then I can be up to semi-normal things without fear of baby coming too soon. I have to keep reminding myself how important the rest is so that I don't go absolutely nuts.

I've written this post over and over trying to find the right way to say what I'm feeling right now. I guess the only thing to say is that I'm absolutely petrified.

I feel completely neglected and disconnected from Matt in the past 4-5 days. He's still taking care of everything he's supposed to . . . except me. And this is what I've been afraid of. This feels exactly like this point in my pregnancy with Little Guy. Matt was so busy taking care of everything else that he forgot about me and when he got back to me he found me busy trying to adjust to a new baby and struggling with depression and he went elsewhere.

We've talked about this. He knows what I think, and he doesn't believe it's the same. He keeps saying that he knows better this time. I'm sure that's true, but I still feel like I'm on the outside of everything knocking on the door to be let in, and him completely ignoring my cries. My brain is telling me to cut everything off now so that I won't be hurt again in a few months. It's hard to give Matt the benefit of the doubt when my gut is screaming for me to run.

There's no reason to think that there's anything going on with Matt and OW or anyone else. I think this is just my insides trying to protect me from the potential possibilities.

I don't feel like he's listening any more. I feel like he thinks I have nothing to offer him right now since I'm not out in the world doing and experiencing. And I think I'm a little depressed from the bedrest. I feel completely cut off from everyone right now, not just Matt, and that has really hit me hard. I didn't think it would be this bad. I feel like an annoyance to him. I know he has no idea what I'm going through physically and mentally in regards to the baby, but I desperately wish that he would just make an effort to try to understand. I feel like he instantly shuts me off if I say anything about how I'm feeling that day or any worries I have about the baby. Maybe he's tired of hearing about it, but I really need to talk about it. It's the healthiest way I know to cope with the fears I'm having, and I NEED to do it. I wish he would understand that.

Can PPD start before the baby is born? Maybe that's the problem. I feel terrible. I'm anxious and upset all the time.

Reliance

One of my biggest fears during this pregnancy has been that Matt will flake out on me when the baby actually comes. When we had our son he was awesome in the hospital taking care of things, but the second we got home it was all up to me to take care of myself and the baby post surgery. He didn't completely back out of life; he did the token dad thing. He'd come home from work and say hi to the baby and me and hold him for short times every once in awhile but basically go about life as if absolutely nothing had changed. On the other hand, my entire world had been flipped upside down. I had medical complications from the birth that took over 3 months to completely take care of, and the depression issues that I have struggled with all my life came up again as Post-Partum Depression. I was just beginning to do better with the PPD when D-day came.

I have been so worried that this time will be a repeat. We've talked briefly about it a handful of times. He knows that it worries me, and he's been quick to reassure me that things are different now. And they are different now, but still... what is going to be the one thing that triggers a reoccurence? Will the stress of having another newborn send him back to that same place?

I've been on bedrest for a few weeks now, and I've been in the hospital once. They were able to stop the contractions and I'm home now, but under strict orders to be in bed. I'm done working until I'm cleared by my doctor to go back (probably 6 weeks post-partum). Thank god for understanding clients.

And thank god for Matt.

I didn't think I'd be able to say that, but Matt has really stepped up and been amazing. He's not only taking care of household cleaning (he's hired someone to come in weekly, and I don't care as long it gets done and he's the one that made all the arrangements) but he's taking care of the details of getting our son to and from daycare, and finding someone to care for Little Guy if he has to work in the evenings or on weekends. He's been working from home as much as possible to be available to me to get food and things that I need and take me to the doctor, and he's been taking the time to care for me emotionally. I've been so worried about the baby and crying at least once a day (which is completely out of character for me) and he has been there to really help me instead of offering up the bland "everything will be fine" spiel.

I almost don't know what to think. I really didn't expect this. I thought he would disengage by now. I thought he'd make a good effort for a few days and that he'd get tired of taking care of everything, but here he is, three weeks into this mess and still going. It boosts the trust little by little, but I'm not ready to make the leap into believing that he'll support us the whole way. The big test will actually be once the baby comes. Then I might be able to say that I know for sure that he has changed. I'm just waiting. I can't afford to assume too much. I'm emotional enough now as it is-- I can't handle that kind of disappointment on top of this. But at the same time, he is doing so well, and I want to give him credit for that. I guess I'm waiting to see if he's really in this for the long term. We've only really been doing well and making significant strides for 4 months, even though d-day was over a year ago.

So can I rely on him? I'm glad to say that so far it's been a big fat yes. But I'm still taking it day by day, and hoping for the best. I need to have hope right now.

The Ring Thing

Do you wear your rings since you found out about the affair?


I took them off for the period of time right after I found out until he committed to staying, and then I put them back on with enormous relief. When the anger phase hit about a month later I took them off for a long time. When I found out I was pregnant and got over the shock I put them back on for about a week, but then I couldn't do it emotionally and I took them back off half-heartedly blaming it on swelling hands (which is true at this point, but not when I first took them off) and I've been ringless ever since.


Matt wants to buy me a simple band that fits for right now until the swelling and stuff does go away-- something to wear for while I'm in this last stage of pregnancy (aka whale status) and in the few weeks after before my hands get back to normal. It's only the second comment he's ever made about me not wearing my rings. (The original comment was back when I first took them off. I think he noticed right away, but he didn't say anything for about a week. Then he asked why I didn't wear them, and I simply told him I couldn't and left it at that. He was very sad about it, but hasn't bothered me about it since.)


I told him I really had to think about it. It felt at first like the few times he's asked if I would be willing to renew our vows, and every time he's asked I've felt physically ill, and worse the more I thought about. This time with the ring thing, I've been thinking about it for a few days, and it makes me feel a little hopeful. He's been really open about how important this is to him, and in a way it's the most vulnerable he's been in a little while. And I don't feel sick thinking about letting him put on another ring. So this is what I think I'm going to tell him:


I'll do the simple band, but I don't want anything expensive. And I'll use this as a first step toward the possibility of renewing our vows (with no promises). I know he would like to renew next year on our aniversary (7 years) and I want to let him know that I'm honestly thinking about it, but not making guarantees. I don't want to completely shut him down, when I haven't shut the idea completely out of my mind yet. There's still a tiny piece of me that wants that romantic sweep-me-off-my-feet-again moment, but it's just a sliver.

I wrote this post a few days ago and let it sit to see if there was anything I wanted to add. Since then Matt and I have talked about this and my fears connected with the rings. We both have a new plain inexpensive band with the intention of buying really nice good bands if/when we renew vows. I hope to get to that point one day, but I've made him no guarantees that it will be at next year's anniversary like he hopes. But I haven't ruled it out.

We're exchanging our bands tomorrow night.

Feeling Love

Do any of you in the reconciliation process really feel that you love your spouse? Not the deep love that keeps you there in the first place... that *feeling* of loving them? I'm still numb a lot of the time. Numb isn't exactly the word I mean, but it's the closest I can think of. I don't feel anything strongly towards him. Not anger or hate or love or happiness... there's no real emotion there anymore. That's one thing that still makes me wonder if maybe he and I should split even with all the hard work we've both put into making this work. It's just a tiny nagging thought. Now there is just... comraderie maybe. Friend-ness. He's the guy I hang out with and laugh with and raise children with. Not the guy I'm passionately in love with.

For a long while I went through an anger phase where just about everything pissed me off, even things that weren't specific to the affair. But I took that as a sign that there was still some kind of spark there between us, because I just don't get to that kind of rage without there being an intense level of connection there. I don't get that angry with just anyone, you know? So I thought that that level of hurt and frustration and anger was an indicator of the love I had for him-- the betrayal factor was higher because I loved him so much.

Now, not so much. Maybe it's because before this happened I couldn't imagine my life without him. Now I can. I've had to do that, and I'm still partially prepared to make that leap if I have to.
Maybe I've just incorrectly defined love all this time. Some girls think love=sex or love=money or whatever... I saw love=lifetime and commitment, and I don't mean that in the cheesy cliched way that so many women think of those ideas. My idea of commitment was truely lifetime through all that is ugly and hard to deal with. I've handled a lot of things with this man when I really wanted to run away, but I didn't because of that commitment. His infidelity has just been the sharpest blow. I don't see love that way anymore. Even though things are going well right now, I always think there might be a coming day when there could be a split-- and probably not over an affair. Before d-day I *never once* imagined it.

Is this just my pessimism at its finest? I really struggle with that part of my personality. I'm constantly fighting against it in my work life and now it's in my personal life. I feel like I'm pulling the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" scam that he tried to pull on me on d-day. Maybe the deeper love I feel I have for him isn't really there. The "in love" thing definitely isn't there, and I doubt it ever will be. Maybe I've fooled myself into believing the deeper love exists between us to justify the fact that I'm staying with him even after this betrayal.

I know that the "right" answer to all of this is that the deeper love is more important and that the "in love" feeling fades. But I want to feel *something* again. It doesn't have to be grand and romantic and storybook... but it needs to be real.

Is it one of those "fake it til you make it" things? Like if we keep putting in the time and energy and work that it will come back for me? That I'll be able to look at him and think how much I love him? I have very specific memories of looking over at him while he was watching t.v. or reading or something totally boring and thinking, "god, I love this man."

I want something like that back.

And when I am honest with myself, I want it with Matt.

Hearing the Words

Despite a much better pregnancy this time, I'm starting to have some problems. I don't want to go into any details, but it looks like I'll be on bedrest for at least a few weeks to help this little one mature enough to have a good chance. If things progress I may be going into the hospital early. If that happens, things will go silent here for awhile. Don't worry-- we're probably fine. I had much worse complications with Little Guy and he and I came through just fine. I'm not terribly worried, just trying to be reasonably cautious.

Thank god for my laptop and an awesome care provider for our son. I'm so worried about how Little Guy is going to deal with things already, and to add on top that I'm sick and he's not old enough to really understand why I can't get down on the floor to play trucks, or even to get him a cup. I'm not to get up except for bathroom, food and shower. How do you explain that to a toddler? It makes it a little harder that I'm home and available to him more hours a day now that my big contract is up. My work week is drastically cut back (thank goodness!), but that means that my son thinks that means I should be able to play the whole time. I'd love to, but it just can't be. I'm allowed to work from bed, but that means no client meetings. Clients have been wonderful about the sudden change, and I just have to keep my updates going to keep them happy. I can do all of that from the computer, no need to be up.

Matt and I are doing okay. I wish he would show his concern more, but I know he keeps from telling me when he's worried about me because he doesn't want to worry me more. When I was in labor with Little Guy and they told me I had to go in right away for surgery, he told me I'd be great and so would the baby, and then he went out in the hall with his mom and cried like crazy. He told me later he thought he'd lose both of us. Of course, he didn't tell me that until almost a year later, and only because we had a session concerning the trauma of our son's birth...

I will never really understand this part of it-- the fact that I have told him over and over that he needs to tell me these things means nothing. He still holds back. Because of that I felt like he didn't really care that I and the baby were having problems back then, and I'm feeling pretty much the same thing right now. This time I know better, but the feeling is still there. It makes me wonder a little if he really doesn't care as much this time since he knows I've come through much worse. He's been trying to come home earlier and leave a little later in the morning to spend time with little guy, and he's taken over all the household stuff that I usually do. To him that says "I care, I'm concerned, I love you." And I know that now. But a girl still likes to hear it in real words.

That Belated D-day Post

D-day was just bad. I was on the verge of tears all day long and when we got to counseling I just cried and cried. There was no real reason behind it, no particular trigger, but I couldn't help it. Maybe it's because I haven't cried about anything in so long. Matt sat there looking bewildered the whole time. He really didn't know what to do, and that's the bad part for him. There really is nothing for him to do for me when this hits me except to make me feel that it's okay that I feel this way. There's nothing he can do to fix this. It just has to be how it is when emotions like this come up. He hates that part because he wants to fix absolutely everything.

There was no real progress and not a ton of talking; I just cried. It was like mourning the loss of our relationship again. The good thing is I felt much better the day after-- like I had to get rid of some of that stress or something.

The worst day was actually on Sunday. Last year that was the day that he went to see Jessica one last time before he really committed to being here with our family. He was barely gone at all to see her (a little under 45 minutes) but it felt like a week. I had actually been doing okay on Sunday until we went shopping and ran into Jessica. She saw us right after I saw her and I thought for a second she was going to come over. Matt grabbed my arm and steered me the other way. After that I couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities-- what if she started calling or texting or emailing again? What if he started it? What if this was the beginning of the end? What if, what if, what if... And that went on for ages. I still don't know if I'm completely done dealing with that little 5 second ordeal. I feel so psychotic sometimes, and this is one of them.

Bad thing is that that little encounter triggered an episode for Matt and he's been in a major down spiral ever since. He's taking his meds regularly and sleeping a lot, but this episode is far different than anything I've ever experienced with him. Usually he is very irritable and snaps at everything for a week or two, but this time he's sunk so low that it's hard to watch. In his own way he's reliving last year, this time with the tremendous weights of remorse and regret. It's getting better day by day but we probably still have another week or two to ride out. At least these episodes are getting further apart-- the medication has helped so much now that we've got all the dosage stuff sorted out.

There are only a few more affair-related anniversaries for me to get through and then I'm done for this year. I can focus on life in the present and hope that next year's affair anniversaries will be a little easier to go through. I know it will still be rough, but hopefully it will lesson a little bit each year.

Be Back Soon

I know I said I'd post again earlier this week with a real post, but Little Guy and I are both down with a virus. I'm finally starting to get over it, but Little Guy is really struggling and miserable. I'll be back once we get back on our feet. I'm working in little bits on that post I promised about our D-Day anniversary, so when I get it done I'll post.

Naming Things

You'll notice that names have been assigned to the major players in my story. The list is on the right, just so that everyone knows what's going on. Names will be easier to use than the initials I've been using all along, and now that I really know I'm sticking with this blogging thing it's just better and easier for all of us.

Yesterday was *the day* and we marked the occasion by sitting in counseling for quite a long time. I did not do so well yesterday, and today is not looking any better. I'll write a proper post about it later tonight.

My Apologies

Please forgive yesterday's post. It is possibly one of the least coherent things I've ever written. I'd blame it on drinking, but y'all know I'm pregnant and responsibly so.... therefore not drinking.

After talking a very long time about this news with my therapist and then with my best friend, I feel much better. And not so resigned to give up.

My therapist has suggested to me that WS finally feels safe enough in our relationship to tell me this, and for WS it is another step on the road to a completely honest relationship. He did tell me very strictly though to lay it on the line with WS and tell him that if there was anything else I should know about that it should be said now. Letting truth trickle out will be a deal breaker. End of story. It was nice to get a sort of "permission" to put that into words.

My best friend basically expressed the same thing-- tell it all now-- if he won't then I won't waste anymore time on him. This one step can prove a lot to me. We'll see how it plays out. We have a little appointment with each other for tomorrow night to talk more about affair related things. We both needed today to kind of be apart from each other and think things through. Tomorrow we'll be able to have a real conversation about this rather than the jumbled mess you witnessed from me yesterday. I'm not a looney, I swear. Just upset and rambling some yesterday.

Happy D-Day to Me!

We talked.

He told her several times that he loved her. They talked about getting married and having a future together. They talked about seeing my son. They talked about how they were so in love with each other that they could hardly stand it... and they never talked about me. I was the elephant in the room, never acknowledged, but always there. Like if either of them mentioned me that would make what they were doing wrong, but if they pretended I didn't exist things would be just fine in fanatasy land.

The anniversary is less than a week away. The day I found out, the day he told me to move out (and I packed everything), the 3 weeks I didn't eat because just putting food in my mouth made me gag. I don't think I slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for those few weeks either. I aged about 10 years last May.

He asked again if I wanted to renew our vows. I told him no and to stop asking-- I'll let you know if I change my mind. I wanted to say, "no, you idiot-- I have nothing to renew, and it certainly wouldn't be with you since you couldn't get it right the first fucking time!" Good on me for keeping things civil.

And saving the best news for last... when we were newly engaged (as in 2 or 3 days), WS had to meet his ex-wife to sign some papers. They'd been divorced for about a year and there was some minor legal thing about who had what car and which car was in which name, etc. Anyway, they had to sign something about it, and he went to her house. It was a nasty divorce, no kids, and she'd had multiple affairs during their 9 months of wedded bliss. (I know this from outside sourves, not just from WS. I trust that it's true that she was the one cheating and not him.) Not only did they sign papers, but he told her that he was getting married again and she said she was happy that he was happy, blah blah, blah, and she made some comment they laughed about and wouldn't you know that that led to them having accidental sex? And then he came home to see me and tell me that she threw herself at him and he had to tell her he was getting married to get her to back off.

But between the ex-wife and OW there was no one else supposedly.

Why didn't I trust my instincts back then and save myself the fucking trouble? Oh yeah-- I was soooooo in love and *my* loving wonderful man would n-e-v-e-r do that to me!

I just don't have it in me to deal anymore. I can't stand the thought that 5 years from now I'll be looking at another OW being part of my life. I've been waiting for that other shoe to drop, and instead I got an anvil to the head. I can't take the grand piano that is probably waiting for me a few years down the road.

Giving up?

I really have to get back to work, but my mind won't stop swirling around this topic. I'm hoping that writing and posting will help me focus again.

********

The whole thing is a long story, so here's the short version. This is one of the busiest weeks of the year for me at work. Every year I am majorly stressed out about this week starting at the beginning of the month. Yesterday I got a call from the daycare that my son had a fever and I needed to come get him. He has seisures sometimes with fevers, so this was yet another big serious thing on my plate. I picked him up and spent a long time taking care of him before he went down for a much needed nap, and then I had to try to mentally place myself back into work to get done the zillions of things that have to be done this week.

I called WS, told him that our son was sick again and could he please run a few errands for me between clients or after work? I could tell in his voice that he really didn't want to, but he agreed. I started to hang up, but then he said something about always taking care of everything around here and I so wanted to throttle him. I told him exactly what I had to get done today *around* caring for a sick child, and he said, "I'm just tired of you picking on me to get things done and never thanking me for it." I asked him when exactly I'd been "picking" on him-- I'd asked if he could please help me out by doing a few things (regular errands that are somehow always my responsibility to take care of). How was that picking on him? He said that it implied that he doesn't do enough around here and that he's tired of me being ungrateful for all the things he does. "It's not all about you!" he said before hanging up.

He came home from work after our son was already in bed for the night and I kept working on all the stuff I hadn't gotten done while he watched sports. He didn't say hi when he came in, but then he talked about some statistical sports thing for 20 minutes like I was his best pal. I told him around 10 that I was heading to bed, and he followed shortly. He asked if it was okay to leave the light on and read while I went to sleep. Sure. Whatever.

I hated laying next to him. I didn't want him to touch me. It's like going back to last May and the weeks after finding out about everything. I can hardly talk to him even today because I'm so angry. Staying civil demands all my energy. I'm afraid I'll snap at any moment. As long as he's not in the house I'm fine, but as soon as he's home I can practically feel my blood pressure rising.

What's the big deal? "It's not all about you" was his sweet little catch phrase in the few months before I found out about the affair. Anytime I brought up anything to him-- could he please help more with dishes or could he do an extra day of daycare drop off just this week? He would come back with how keeping his schedule is important to him and "it's not all about you and what you want."

I don't know that the use of that phrase yesterday necessarily means anything. I know I'm in a bad spot right now and I know I'm giving meaning to things that have none. It's just another thing eating on me. And in one of our first sessions post d-day I brought up that phrase and how he always made me feel like I was the most selfish person on earth. And he told me that day in counseling that he thought I was amazing at taking care of the others in my life before myself. He said selfishness never registers for him when he thinks of me.

And yet here it is again.

I think I give up. Not in a get a divorce way, but I just can't wrestle with this anymore. I haven't slept in ages- partly because of pregnancy, but mostly because my brain is so busy trying to sort things out. At my last OB appointment I told her I was having a hard time sleeping and she offered a prescription. I can't even sleep when I take that little pill, and those suckers always knock me out. I just can't keep trying to fix this. I feel like it's all on me right now- the stress and the triggers and everything is just sitting on me. And every little thing that comes out of his mouth is making me so angry I'm bubbling over.

I know you all said I need to have a conversation with him about all this, but I don't think I can. I think if I do I'll just find out more crap that I don't want to know about this situation, and I just can't handle it right now.

What do I want?

god I should never ever say that I think we're doing well. Because as soon as those words leave my mouth I'm due for a crap day and things keep surfacing in my brain that drive me nuts.

Today it's that all I can think of and worry about is whether or not he said "I love you" to her. And I can't call because this is the one day each week that he's unavailable. He won't be done for another few hours.

And nothing has changed-- he hasn't screwed up or said something dumb or *anything*... it's just me being crazy and obsessing about these little details. I'm beating myself to death mentally for not asking him that question before now. Why is it coming up almost a year later??? Because the 22nd that's Sunday and that's that date they had that haunts me. If I had done what I planned that night I would have found out about the mess earlier than I did-- before she spent an entire fucking weekend with him in my house.

So he's doing everything right-- he's working hard in counseling, he's being open, he's being truthful even when it's hard, he's doing all the things I ask of him, he's being a great dad, he's working for our family instead of just for himself... and I can't get over this. I can't stop obsessing. I can't stop thinking about how he wished to be out of here and came so close to leaving. And even though I'm not worried that the situation will repeat, that once was enough. I should have taken the out he gave me. And instead I did the good girl thing and stayed to work things out and begged him back, and I HATE myself for it. I feel like I gave up myself when I did that, and the regret I feel for that moment is killing me.

I wish I'd let him go. No-- I wish I'd kicked him out. I wish I'd stood up for myself and told him exactly what I thought about what he'd done in that moment of rage and grief. I wish that he was the one that had to beg for me to take him back. I wish I hadn't basically laid down in front of him and invited him to walk all over me. I wish I'd been stronger.

And now I've lost that chance. I mean, hasn't he proven that he's in this for real? Hasn't he proved that he's committed not just to staying but to being a real husband and father? Would it be fair of me to change my mind now? Is it fair to our kids? When I really think about it, I don't really want him gone. I don't pine away for a life without him. I have imagined life without him though-- how hard it would be to be a single parent, to try to survive on just my income, to try to get along as a single woman. I don't know if I can.

So what do I really want? It's been hard to think about this, but the topic has been on my mind for a month or so, and I think I've finally got an answer: A man who treats me like the most valued person in his life. A man who looks at me with overwhelming love in his eyes, a man with intense passion meant only for me. Someone who honestly believes that I'm the best thing to ever come into his life. I want connection. I want to be valued.

The next question is, can WS be that man?

And to follow that, can I love him again?

Love/In Love

I keep having affair dreams.

Until now they've been mostly reliving the actual events, and on occasion it has been my brain imagining WS having a second affair with the same woman.

Last night was different though. I dreamed that it was me that cheated-- that I had a lover that was passionate about me in every way, that thought I was everything, that begged me to leave my husband and be with him forever. And I dreamed about a d-day... about coming home to WS and laying next to him in our bed and talking to him, laughing with him, but feeling nothing for him. And then I told him about all the things in my head-- about not loving him, about finding someone else, about feeling attractive and alive again-- and that it was because of that someone else. I crushed him into the ground. I made sure he knew how little he meant to me and I felt soulless.

The one thing I can't wrap my brain around is the fact that WS says over and over how he never stopped loving me. He says he always loved me even if he did stop being "in love" with me for a time. Now he will say that he both loves me and is "in love" with me. How on earth do you fall in love with another woman when you still love your wife?

I guess to me love is this thing where you would never even consider the possibility of being involved with another person. The very fact that that thought goes through your head would make me question your true love for that person. Love to me is that commitment to sticking by each other even if times are hard or the other person isn't carrying their weight for awhile. That's the stuff that you argue about and work out and then go back to a normal relationship. Love is doing what is best for the other person, even when it sucks or your own needs aren't being met right now-- you do it because you love them, and you talk later about balance in the relationship and about the things that you need.

How can you love me and think it's okay to screw around with someone else? And it's not even about any of the physical stuff-- it's that he says he felt he couldn't depend on me to talk to or be close to-- that I couldn't meet his emotional needs. That's the part that just about kills me when I think about the affair. All he had to do was choose to connect with me rather than someone outside the relationship, and he couldn't even give me a chance to do that. He couldn't even tell me that he felt neglected and give me a chance to fix things. Isn't that what love is to some extent? It's about benefit of the doubt? Giving each other a chance?

And what is with this "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap that every freaking cheater says? Every time WS uses that "I still loved you" spiel during a discussion or argument I want to strangle him and shout "Cliche! Cliche!" I want to show him somehow that cheater after cheater says the same thing. I cringe everytime he says it.

In case you haven't noticed, this is a bad day. A very bad day in recovery. There is no significance to today as far as being a certain date pertaining the affair. It's just a date where I wonder if it's all really worth it-- all the pain and bad dreams and crying for no real reason...

I guess the good thing is that when I woke up from the dream, I was crying and upset and the reason I woke up was because WS was the one to wake me. He held me and asked what happened, and I told him it was just a bad dream. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, even though it was 4 in the morning, and when I said no he let it go. For me that meant a lot, because he usually tries to bully me into talking about things I'm not ready to talk about. And this morning he asked again if I wanted to talk and my "no" was good enough for him.

Even though this is a crap day, I felt heard by him, and that's a tremendous step forward.

After All of This

We talked in counseling last night about all of my concerns and how this certain period of time has been really hard on me and will be hard until we get through some of these anniversary dates. And the counselor looked at WS and said, "there is absolutely nothing wrong with her feeling this way. I would expect her to continue to fear these things for a long time." And while there is nothing earth shattering about that statement, it made me feel a lot better just to hear those words from someone in real life. It's okay to feel how I'm feeling.

In the course of the session though, a question came up from WS, and I'm still thinking about it. He asked if in all this time, with all the work we've both put in and all the progress we've made, "Is there still no trust between us? Even after all of this?"

It's such a difficult question, and I wasn't at all prepared to answer it. Because there is trust between us, but not what there should be and not what I think trust really is. I mean, I don't feel the need to check up on him all the time. I trust that when he says he's going to the store/gym/client meeting that he's actually going there. I trust that he is here for me right now.

The issue is, any of that can change in an instant. Almost a year ago I knew we'd hit a rough patch in our relationship, but I had absolutely no clue that an enormous part of WS's withdrawal was because his attention was going to another woman. So who's to say that when the next rough patch hits he won't do the same? I hope he won't, I try to believe that he's bettered himself beyond that, but I don't know it to be true. I don't trust his response to a tough situation.

I believe he is working to be a better man, but I don't take it for 100% fact yet.
I believe that he wants to be committed to me, but I can only trust that for right now-- who knows what 5 years will change?

I know, I know. It takes both of us to keep that committment and keep the relationship from sliding into that dark place, but the thing is, looking to someone else NEVER crossed my mind. And obviously it did his, so I wonder when or if it will cross again.

So yes. some trust, but we're not there yet.

Numbers and Anniversaries

I'm a numbers gal. I remember numbers and dates without trying, even though a vast amount of other more important things slip through my brain. It's not that I'm a stickler about anniversaries of things-- I'm not one of those women that wants to celebrate the anniversary of the first time we met, first date, first kiss, first sex, etc.-- but I do remember all those dates, and when they come around on the calendar I do think of them. It's not even just relationship dates that I remember. I remember the date of my son's first real steps on his own, the first day he ate solid food, I remember the date that I met my sister-in-law for the first time. Heck. I still remember the date that I "graduated" from 8th grade.

It's just a weird thing about me.

What sucks is that I'm in the midst of affair anniversaries. We just passed the anniversary of the night that WS's girlfriend called because her car had broken down on the side of the road and needed help. We're coming up on the anniversary of a date that they had-- a night that I had a sitter set up to watch our son and WS and I were supposed to go out together, but he canceled on me because he was "called in to work". He was actually taking her and another couple out to one of my favorite places.

We're also coming up on May 7. Why is that day important? Well, the first thing that happened that day was that my son really crawled for the first time. It was so exciting to watch because it had taken him almost 2 months of dragging his legs around for him to finally find his knees and really crawl. WS was really withdrawn while we were watching him-- totally the opposite of how he usually is with our son. Once the little guy went down for his nap that afternoon, I asked if everything was okay and got the obligatory "I'm fine." I knew he was down, but he obviously didn't want to talk, so I jokingly asked, "Well, you still love me right?"

God, I was stupid.

I've been reliving the whole thing in my dreams for the last week. I'm already not sleeping because I'm too pregnant to be comfortable, and dreaming like this has kept me up for hours in the middle of the night most nights. WS has noticed how I've been and asks me all the time if there's anything he can do to help, or if I need to talk about things, and I've been pushing him away. I couldn't really put things into words for him that I haven't already used before. I'm afraid you're going to destroy me again. I'm afraid you're going to take advantage of my graciousness in trying to work through this rather than just writing you off. I'm afraid you're going to turn back into the man you were before and I'll hate myself for ever giving you another chance.

I finally brought it up to WS last night. I told him how everything has been stirred up for me with all the anniversaries, and just general stress going on in my life. I told him that I don't think he can do anything to help me through this except to continue to do his own work on himself and to continue to care for me like he has been the last several weeks. I told him that I don't know that this will ever go away for me-- that when it comes to the anniversaries, this might always be a time of year that is difficult for me. We're going to talk about it again in counseling this week.

Will it always be like this this time of the year? Just by nature of my personality? I keep a calendar constantly in my head, and nothing gets erased. Or will that mean I'm finally "healed" if there ever comes a day where I can clear it off my calendar?

So That Baby Thing...

Not exactly good timing, no doubt. Never something I or WS would have chosen at this particular time in our lives. Whether you think it's a brilliant thing or not it's just how it is, and it's part of the story of how everything is happening. We weren't being irresponsible-- we were using two forms of birth control, and I was supposedly never able to conceive without major medical intervention-- after all, that's what it took to have our son, and our doctor told us we should count our blessings that we managed to conceive him. He also told us our chances of conceiving another child were incredibly low, and that the money would be better spent pursuing adoption.

We never once thought of terminating. I could easily blame it on religious upbringing or some sense of morality, but it has nothing to do with that and everything to do with this being my child. I want this child so much and even though the thought of having 2 kids sometimes makes me nervous, I know that once this one is born we'll adjust and manage and be fine. It is simply my choice to make, and no one elses. You can think what you want, but in the end it comes down to me and my husband to make the decision.

WS and I are working on things. We are both working hard, and while we had that brief lapse on his meds, we're doing really well. We've been talking about the little things happening between us-- the little upsets that couples have instead of letting the problems grow between us, and often it's WS that is the one reminding me of what we need to do to work through stuff. We haven't argued just to argue in ages, but we aren't living our lives side by side anymore either. We're both actually taking care of our relationship and have been for awhile now. Issues are being dealt with in a healthy way and I no longer feel unheard in our relationship. Counseling has been tremendously helpful and our counselor has actually said that after a few more sessions he thinks he'll be through with us.

Yes, adding an infant to the mix will change the dynamic in the household. But we've done infancy before, and we have a good idea of how it works this time (exhaustion, feedings, etc.). We also know ourselves and our relationship better, and I believe that we will be able to take care of each other this time around.

This pregnancy has been so different than my first regarding the relationship with my husband. He's been involved and understanding; he has really taken care of me this time around. I believe that will carry over after the baby is born. And if it doesn't, I know how to actually work things out with him this time around.

That gives me a lot of hope.

And down we go...

WS's mood has been volatile for the last few years. He goes way up and way down a zillion times a day, and it was really bad just before I found out about the affair. He's been on meds to help even things out, and as long as he takes them he's very pleasant to be around. I don't have to guess which husband is going to greet me in the evening. Of course, the key phrase is "as long as he takes them"-- and he's been sporadic over the last 2 weeks.

He crashed yesterday and came home in a rage after a bad day at work. I want to be clear that he has never threatened me or our son in any way. He isn't violent or even belittling-- he is just angry. He bangs things around and gets horribly upset over stupid things like running out of spoons or our son's toys not being 100% picked up. And then after all that he retreats to the office and sulks for ages.

I hate this. I've dealt with depression and antidepressants in my past, and I know how it is to be that angry at nothing, or to feel like the world would be a better place if I'd just melt away. But I'm over it. I did the meds and therapy for a long time, and I'm better now. I've worked through my crap, and I don't live my life in that way anymore. But watching him go through all of this too has been really hard. We're going to see his doctor today to talk about why he can't skip meds (even if it's a "good" day) and about what I can do to help him stay with it. He's also in therapy on his own, and he says he told his therapist last night that he'd been skipping days and was appropriately warned about what that can do to him. He had just the right amount of detail to his story that I believe that he was honest with his therapist.

I want to help him, but I wish that he wouldn't drag me down with him. I'm willing to support and help, but I feel like he thinks that I can only help if I'm along for the ride, and I can't go there again. I won't do that to myself or my kids. I'm a better person now, and he's taking the steps to help himself be better too, but he imagines that the journey should be faster than it is. It's a long bad road, and I honestly don't think that he expected that-- even after what I and his doctor and therapist all told him.

So I'm hoping he can stick with the meds and therapy. He knows that I need him to do that. I'm hoping that I can keep myself separate enough that I don't go down with him, but connected enough that he knows he has my love and support.

Function

This has been one of those crazy weeks. Between my work and WS's we have barely seen each other or our son, and I'm realizing that this fact might be a breaking point for our relationship. I think WS has felt it too. We're planning for things to change on both ends, but the changes don't go into effect until May. One of my big contracts is up that month and I'm not going to pursue another big client like that for awhile. WS is making a similar concession in his work (I don't want you to get the impression that I'm the only one sacrificing here) and we just have to make it until then.

I feel like we're actually thinking like a family now. The things WS has come to me and asked to talk about have really been about pursuing the best interests of our family, and it makes me feel like I can actually plan for our future a little bit.

But at the same time, this separation because of outside obligations is eating on me. I feel lonely again, even when he's next to me for that half hour or so when he's home. There's so little time to be together right now that our time is spent on mechanics-- who's picking up our son from daycare tomorrow, can you take care of this when you get a chance, did you pay that bill... and there's no love in that. Just function. And I understand that that is how it is right now. And I realistically can't expect the same things of him as he's been doing for the past few weeks. There's no time for him to do that stuff, and to be honest, there's no time for me to enjoy it.

It doesn't make the loneliness go away though.

We both have the weekend off. Hopefully there will be a reconnection.

Renewal

We have a wedding to go to this weekend. Our son is the ringbearer. Hopefully he'll behave, but even if he doesn't he's young enough that people will think he's just being cute.

I'm dreading this. Since I found out about the affair in May we've been to two weddings; this will be our third. The first was within 6 weeks of finding out, and I wanted to beat the crap out of WS for about a week afterwards. The second wedding wasn't as bad. I think the aftershocks only lasted a day or two, and I'm trying to be prepared this time for another day or two of triggering.

I am not an emotional person at all. I'm crazy hormonal right now with the pregnancy, and for me that means that I've cried like 3 times in the last 5 months. I just don't react emotionally to many things. I'm very much the kind of person that takes a moment to evaluate the situation and my options before acting. The whole wedding thing for me and WS was really about the commitment of that ceremony-- not about getting dressed up and feeling all romantic for the day. At least, that's what it was for me. I can't speak for WS on that.

The thing that has me the most stressed about the upcoming wedding is that I think WS will ask me again to renew our vows. He first mentioned it while we were at the reception for the June wedding, and then asked me again at the second wedding. I had kind of put off answering until then, and I finally told him no. I have no reason to renew my vows to him-- I never broke mine. And to be honest, why should I accept vows from him again? They didn't exactly stick the first time.

He's brought up the vow renewal thing in passing a few times in the last week or two, and I just kind of laugh and brush him off. It's something I can't do. Maybe in a few years I can, but I feel like that would mean fully recommiting myself to him, and while things are going well right now, I'm not in a place where I'm comfortable with him making that kind of commitment to me again. Does that make sense?

He is still doing well. Little things every day, actually listening when I talk, taking time when he first comes home to kiss me and say hi to our son before he does anything else-- even to take off his coat most times. He's also been working from home a little more, which is a mixed blessing. Since I also work from home we sometimes get in each other's ways, but we're doing better about managing that.

Changing

Well, he's keeping up. Tonight and tomorrow he has to work late and we won't really get to see each other. That has always thrown us off when we've been doing well together, so we'll see what happens. I'm trying to be careful about this. I don't want to invest back too much at once. I want to give it time in case it whips around and bites my ass.

I've also been thinking about a slight career change-- specificallly something where I can schedule more around my husband's and kid's schedules. Right now I do work for myself, and there's a lot going there, but I'm so tired of doing so much hand-holding for my clients. Maybe it's because I'm so emotionally drained myself, but I think I'm getting burned out on this, and it's not the kind of work where one can be a little burned out and still do good work. Maybe a slight change in direction. I don't know yet, but I'm working on things. Plus there's this whole "doing what I love" thing that I'm missing. I like my job or I wouldn't have been in the business as long as I have been, but I have a clear view of what I really love to do, and I want to take a shot at it. I just have to figure out if it's even possible to try right now.

Is that even on the radar for anyone else? Or is the idea of doing what you love a crazy thing? Unrealistic? Just plain stupid? Some days I feel like a maniac considering my options. This would definitely be a leap of faith. I think I need to wait until I have a little more sturdy ground with WS before I jump. Sturdy as in either, we're doing very well and he's continued doing his part or sturdy as in we're going our separate ways-- either way, I know what's going on in the relationship to a greater extent than I have in a long time.

Or maybe it is just the stupid. I don't know. I'm freakishly optimistic right now. I guess I have let a little of that damn hope in.

Restored Faith

In the last week I've been really wondering whether or not I still belonged here in this relationship. I went so far as to start working out money things if I would be a single mom to 2 kids, and starting to look at what sort of place I could afford to live.

Then Friday afternoon, my husband left a note for me when I went to pick up my son. It said that my mom would be taking care of our son for the night, and for me to leave him at her house then head home as planned and read the note in my bathroom. From there was a short series of notes leading to my husband standing in the dining room with roses and dressed in his suit. We ate a dinner my husband had cooked for us (my very favorite), had some sparkling grape juice, danced in our dim living room, and had the most romantic passionate evening we've had since-- I don't know-- our first anniversary, maybe? I know he went all out for that, but I can't remember anything quite this big since.

And it wasn't just about the romance of the evening, because anyone can go out and get roses and whip up some pasta. No-- this was about sincerity. He had written me a long letter, like the letters we exchanged when we were dating, and in it was all the things that I needed to hear from him-- none of the cliched "I was so wrong, how can you ever forgive me" things, but his own real words. I can't explain it without too much detail, but it was the most perfect thing. And the words he spoke, and the look in his eyes.... for the first time I felt like he was really sorry, and not just sorry that he was caught.

And through the weekend he was completely different in the way he spoke to me and cared for me and did things for our son. He was a different man. I'll admit that I'm still a little wary of the change, and I will be waiting to see if this sticks, but I'm finding myself hoping that it does, when a week ago I would have given us no hope at all.

Looking for Dirt

Every time WS does something stupid I end up using my next free hour alone to go through his computer files and search the crap out of OW on the internet. I look through cell records, temp files, his internet history, emails, everything I have access to (whether he knows it or not).

I know I'm not the only betrayed person that does this, but why do I feel like a lunatic every time? I'm looking for some hint that I am not, in fact, a moron-- and that I'm not being duped again. The relief I feel at not finding anything is tremendous, but it doesn't mean that I trust him any more than I did before.

The frantic searches are getting less frequent, but I hate that I feel like I have to check up on him all the time. I still can't trust him to be honest with me about small things, so I'm certainly not trusting him when he says that he has no contact with OW. If he'll lie to me about where he goes to lunch (knowing full well that I take care of our debit card/checking account and SEE where he goes to lunch) why would he be entirely truthful about the actual issues in our marriage?

So is this just going to be the natural order of things for awhile? I'm just going to have to check in on him when I feel the need to do so? Is it normal for this stage of recovery? It's probably just the opposite, and I am indeed a raving psycho.

Anger

Been awhile I know.

I'm having a lot of problems this pregnancy, just like I thought I would, but I've finally hit the stage where I at least have a little bit of energy and some of the early issues are resolving, thank goodness.

As far as where WS and I stand, we're doing a really good job being parents together, and we're doing a good job being friends. We spend time together watching tv and talking about trivial things, and as long as we only talk about relationship and affair-related things in our counseling sessions, we aren't fighting. I think that this is how it has to be for awhile. I have to keep the intimate/marriage relationship distanced for a little while so that I can process the stuff related to the affair.

I've worked past the hurt and humiliated part. Now I'm angry beyond belief. And the bad thing is that it's spilling over into regular life. I'm really mad while I drive. I get really upset about news stories and client issues that wouldn't have flustered me before I hit this angry streak. (not in front of clients obviously). My nature is not angry. I'm really laid-back, I don't get in anyone's way, I actually bend over backwards to be *sure* I'm not getting in anyone's way. And since anger has not ever really been part of my life, I'm not really sure how to deal with this. Our counselor suggested some visualization and relaxation stuff, but those things both leave me feeling kind of hokey and not really any less angry than I was before.

So I'm angry, and *REALLY* want to get back at OW. I won't-- I know that that would be a very stupid step for me to take. And still, I'm incredibly angry.