Since I was last here...
1. We pulled Michael out of the daycare program he was in. Four of the teachers quit or resigned within one week, and that makes me really nervous about the management of the place. So we are looking for a new program or private care, which is really stressing me out for some reason. I don't even know why, but it's constantly on my mind.
2. Because of this, I'm kind of doing the stay-at-home mom thing right now, but trying to work at least part time because I need to get my income flowing again, and I can't do that unless I'm billing hours. So I'm doing mommy stuff most of the day and then working during Michael's afternoon naptime (which Jack currently sleeps through too, thank goodness!) and then for a few hours every evening after the boys are in bed. I'm going to need to start trying to get up earlier than them too and see if I can at least answer emails or something small before they get up.
3. Matt and I talked about separating last week. I can't talk to him anymore, and he works late so that he doesn't have to come home. I'm not sure how we got back here, but I know that this time around I don't care. I can't keep cycling through this with him. I can't do this every year for the rest of our lives. The thought of separating from him exhausts me... I'm worried about managing everything on my own, but at the same time, I'm already managing 95% on my own, what's that last 5% going to do to me? And at the same time, separating might be a relief... I'm tired of trying to make a relationship work when he's not doing his part anymore. When he was working at it things were going well. Now he's decided that he's done enough work and it should all be over by now. That's what he told me. He told me that I chose this path for us and I need to live with how it turned out.
So he's usually leaving for work before we're up in the morning (or he hangs around basically just long enough to say good morning to the boys) and then he doesn't come home until just before Michael's bedtime. He spends a little time with Michael for about 20 minutes before helping to put him to bed then retreats to his office and either comes to bed after I'm asleep or sleeps in the other room. No real decision has been made yet, so we'll see where this goes.
I apologize for being offline for awhile, but I've been trying to manage life here, and I don't really want to apologize for that, you know?
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5 comments:
Naive it is good to see you ack although it saddens me somewhat to hear about your situation.
It sounds like Michael and Jack are doing well, but you and Matt are struggling.
Can I say taht yet again we are on the same page and Charlie and I have also spoken about seperating.
Maybe this is a common stage of reconciliation, around the 12 month mark. I know I am struggling and I also feel that things have gone back to the way they were pre affair.
I hope you can get through this without too much drama either way.
Honey- you do not need to apologize. What does he mean that you chose this path? It sounds like your H has a lot of growing up to do! He's doing the poor me dance. Step up to the plate Matt! You have a family, 2 boys and a wife that you chose and made a committment to. Leaving because it's hard is unacceptable, what's the point of getting married then. Marriage isn't a grand romance it's a job! It is a karmic journey that if you drop it with one person you just pick it up with another where you left off. Get your head out of the damn Fog!! ((Hugs, Naive))
PS- sorry to come on so strong- you deserve someone who can pull at least his own weight! Best wishes to your little boys!
Kate> Maybe this is a common thing at this point. I hadn't thought of that. Is this like recovery for an alcholic where you are always considered to be in recovery and never complete with the process? Because if I'm completely honest I don't know that I can deal with this for the rest of my life.
akakarma> Thanks for the little rant. :) It put a smile on my face. You said everything I want to yell at my husband.
"..you are always considered to be in recovery and never complete with the process"
This is a good analogy for how I feel at the moment. That you have this 'thing' to deal with forever. Watching out for the triggers that will launch you into a depression again, like an alcoholic having to avoid a bar, just in case temptation kicks in.
I don't want to have to deal with this for the rest of my life either. I sway between wanting to hot-foot it and being very happy where I am. I never know from one day to the next how I will feel. I know, in my case, it's hormonal and I'm hoping that these indecisive moments will cease. Very soon.
I do hope you get some closure on this very soon. ((hugs))
Take care.
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