We all make decisions that direct our path. There are the big decisions that are easy to see-- mile markers if you will. Getting married or divorced, having a child, buying a house and other such choices are the mile markers in our lives. I remember a lot of things lately as "when I was pregnant with Michael" or "when Michael had just turned one" or "just after we got married". It's hard for me to say exactly when something happened by precise date until I think of the mile marker event that it is nearest to.
Those big decisions are so easy to see and it is easy to give them the proper weight that they deserve when considering your options. I thought for a long time about whether or not I should marry Matt and rightly so. It's a decision that changes the path of your life and there's no telling the new direction.
And then there are those small decisions that you can't know about or prepare for. Like choosing to take a certain route home-- not your normal route, but a way that gets you there just the same. You might get home the same as always, but you also might get in an accident you may not have gotten in if you had just kept to your normal route.
My chosen path, as Matt was referring to in last post, was my decision to stay and work things out in our relationship. He acknowledges that once he decided to stay that I also had a decision to make considering the devastation to our relationship post-affair. I chose to stay and work.
And this is how things have turned out. We kind of just survived until last February when something seemed to click inside Matt's head and suddenly he got it and made drastic changes. He's kept the big changes (no close relationships with other women, letting me know what he's up to when he's out outside of work hours, keeping his accounts and phone open to me, etc.) but all the small things? Poof. Disappeared.
Why?
He's tired of keeping it up.
And I understand that. I'm tired of this whole thing too. It's not about the affair anymore. It's about us and the problems we have in trying to maintain our relationship. I've been feeling particularly awful in this relationship for several weeks now. I kept trying to pinpoint the problem and couldn't so I finally decided that I must be in a weird place and I'd get over it. And then in having a mundane argument (something household related that I don't remember) he said that this is what I've chosen for myself. And that's when it hit me.
I've put myself here, and I hate where I am on my chosen path.
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You two are deservedly exhausted right now. Sometimes all you can do is retreat to your separate corners and heal a bit, lick wounds before you are able to come together again. The little stuff is the hardest stuff isn't it? It wears you down. I was not prepared for marriage and motherhood and how hard it was. When my H had hid A I was at the pinnacle of feeling like it was drudgery (even tho I was crazy for my child) and I felt like I was slogging thru the mud every day. I think he did too and found a way out in fantasy- a choice I like to think I wouldn't have made. Hang in there and just see what happens- stop working so hard to be perfect and connected- just be for awhile. If you both can just commit to staying out of other relationships that might be enuf right now?
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