Hearing the Words

Despite a much better pregnancy this time, I'm starting to have some problems. I don't want to go into any details, but it looks like I'll be on bedrest for at least a few weeks to help this little one mature enough to have a good chance. If things progress I may be going into the hospital early. If that happens, things will go silent here for awhile. Don't worry-- we're probably fine. I had much worse complications with Little Guy and he and I came through just fine. I'm not terribly worried, just trying to be reasonably cautious.

Thank god for my laptop and an awesome care provider for our son. I'm so worried about how Little Guy is going to deal with things already, and to add on top that I'm sick and he's not old enough to really understand why I can't get down on the floor to play trucks, or even to get him a cup. I'm not to get up except for bathroom, food and shower. How do you explain that to a toddler? It makes it a little harder that I'm home and available to him more hours a day now that my big contract is up. My work week is drastically cut back (thank goodness!), but that means that my son thinks that means I should be able to play the whole time. I'd love to, but it just can't be. I'm allowed to work from bed, but that means no client meetings. Clients have been wonderful about the sudden change, and I just have to keep my updates going to keep them happy. I can do all of that from the computer, no need to be up.

Matt and I are doing okay. I wish he would show his concern more, but I know he keeps from telling me when he's worried about me because he doesn't want to worry me more. When I was in labor with Little Guy and they told me I had to go in right away for surgery, he told me I'd be great and so would the baby, and then he went out in the hall with his mom and cried like crazy. He told me later he thought he'd lose both of us. Of course, he didn't tell me that until almost a year later, and only because we had a session concerning the trauma of our son's birth...

I will never really understand this part of it-- the fact that I have told him over and over that he needs to tell me these things means nothing. He still holds back. Because of that I felt like he didn't really care that I and the baby were having problems back then, and I'm feeling pretty much the same thing right now. This time I know better, but the feeling is still there. It makes me wonder a little if he really doesn't care as much this time since he knows I've come through much worse. He's been trying to come home earlier and leave a little later in the morning to spend time with little guy, and he's taken over all the household stuff that I usually do. To him that says "I care, I'm concerned, I love you." And I know that now. But a girl still likes to hear it in real words.