D-day was just bad. I was on the verge of tears all day long and when we got to counseling I just cried and cried. There was no real reason behind it, no particular trigger, but I couldn't help it. Maybe it's because I haven't cried about anything in so long. Matt sat there looking bewildered the whole time. He really didn't know what to do, and that's the bad part for him. There really is nothing for him to do for me when this hits me except to make me feel that it's okay that I feel this way. There's nothing he can do to fix this. It just has to be how it is when emotions like this come up. He hates that part because he wants to fix absolutely everything.
There was no real progress and not a ton of talking; I just cried. It was like mourning the loss of our relationship again. The good thing is I felt much better the day after-- like I had to get rid of some of that stress or something.
The worst day was actually on Sunday. Last year that was the day that he went to see Jessica one last time before he really committed to being here with our family. He was barely gone at all to see her (a little under 45 minutes) but it felt like a week. I had actually been doing okay on Sunday until we went shopping and ran into Jessica. She saw us right after I saw her and I thought for a second she was going to come over. Matt grabbed my arm and steered me the other way. After that I couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities-- what if she started calling or texting or emailing again? What if he started it? What if this was the beginning of the end? What if, what if, what if... And that went on for ages. I still don't know if I'm completely done dealing with that little 5 second ordeal. I feel so psychotic sometimes, and this is one of them.
Bad thing is that that little encounter triggered an episode for Matt and he's been in a major down spiral ever since. He's taking his meds regularly and sleeping a lot, but this episode is far different than anything I've ever experienced with him. Usually he is very irritable and snaps at everything for a week or two, but this time he's sunk so low that it's hard to watch. In his own way he's reliving last year, this time with the tremendous weights of remorse and regret. It's getting better day by day but we probably still have another week or two to ride out. At least these episodes are getting further apart-- the medication has helped so much now that we've got all the dosage stuff sorted out.
There are only a few more affair-related anniversaries for me to get through and then I'm done for this year. I can focus on life in the present and hope that next year's affair anniversaries will be a little easier to go through. I know it will still be rough, but hopefully it will lesson a little bit each year.
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5 comments:
My H really struggles with his own shame and can get pretty low. I think it is a good thing and best not medicated (unless you have reason to fear) since feeling those feelings is healthy and important if painful. Just like with us survivors. Hope is that each time we go around this cycle it will get further and further in the distance. Hang in there, hugs!
Oh the anniversaries! Yes, I can promise you that it does get less painful each year. Anniversary season is just about to start for me - June 19 is the first and then it's just a whole series until January. Four years on and I am aware of it, but no longer dreading it. It's a funny feeling. Like it happened to someone else.
Stay focused. I wish I had had your self-control!
karmawendy> Matt is on meds for a medical problem and he's a much better functional person now that he's being treated correctly. I agree that it's important for him to deal with the remorse, but for him going no meds is not an option. He would have episode after episode, and there is no way that either of us (or our kids) could handle that.
hellenback> What self control? I feel like a crazy person. I think my writing style makes me out to be a little more controlled than I am when these things are actually happening. I'm too detail oriented I suppose. :)
Why? Why? Why would you consider such a thing as an anniverssary? Why focus on the days that create pain for you. That seems, counter-intuitive to trying to get beyond it for me.
It is like repeating the day over and over each year, and expecting it the next year, and in a way, expecting more of the same to happen.
I had different responses to such things, so this was never a consideration for me except once. There was one act of infidelity once, and it was a mistake on her part, and I never considered it again.
I didn't torment myself with the event beyond it, and I couldn't have continued the relationship if I had...
Just my thoughts...
~Jera
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