Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Happy D-Day to Me!

We talked.

He told her several times that he loved her. They talked about getting married and having a future together. They talked about seeing my son. They talked about how they were so in love with each other that they could hardly stand it... and they never talked about me. I was the elephant in the room, never acknowledged, but always there. Like if either of them mentioned me that would make what they were doing wrong, but if they pretended I didn't exist things would be just fine in fanatasy land.

The anniversary is less than a week away. The day I found out, the day he told me to move out (and I packed everything), the 3 weeks I didn't eat because just putting food in my mouth made me gag. I don't think I slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for those few weeks either. I aged about 10 years last May.

He asked again if I wanted to renew our vows. I told him no and to stop asking-- I'll let you know if I change my mind. I wanted to say, "no, you idiot-- I have nothing to renew, and it certainly wouldn't be with you since you couldn't get it right the first fucking time!" Good on me for keeping things civil.

And saving the best news for last... when we were newly engaged (as in 2 or 3 days), WS had to meet his ex-wife to sign some papers. They'd been divorced for about a year and there was some minor legal thing about who had what car and which car was in which name, etc. Anyway, they had to sign something about it, and he went to her house. It was a nasty divorce, no kids, and she'd had multiple affairs during their 9 months of wedded bliss. (I know this from outside sourves, not just from WS. I trust that it's true that she was the one cheating and not him.) Not only did they sign papers, but he told her that he was getting married again and she said she was happy that he was happy, blah blah, blah, and she made some comment they laughed about and wouldn't you know that that led to them having accidental sex? And then he came home to see me and tell me that she threw herself at him and he had to tell her he was getting married to get her to back off.

But between the ex-wife and OW there was no one else supposedly.

Why didn't I trust my instincts back then and save myself the fucking trouble? Oh yeah-- I was soooooo in love and *my* loving wonderful man would n-e-v-e-r do that to me!

I just don't have it in me to deal anymore. I can't stand the thought that 5 years from now I'll be looking at another OW being part of my life. I've been waiting for that other shoe to drop, and instead I got an anvil to the head. I can't take the grand piano that is probably waiting for me a few years down the road.

2 comments:

jesinrhineland said...

I read uour blog and was very touch by what you are going through. I have a friend in a similar situation whose husband tried to drive the kids out for ice cream at 10 pm....drunk. There is not much can say but this, you are on my heart and I will ask God for safety, clarity and peace for you. You are on his heart, too.

Anonymous said...

just found your blog. thank you. I feel like I was going insane. I left him but sometimes wonder how it's going to be with the whore (that's my other woman) invading my son's life. j