Giving up?

I really have to get back to work, but my mind won't stop swirling around this topic. I'm hoping that writing and posting will help me focus again.

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The whole thing is a long story, so here's the short version. This is one of the busiest weeks of the year for me at work. Every year I am majorly stressed out about this week starting at the beginning of the month. Yesterday I got a call from the daycare that my son had a fever and I needed to come get him. He has seisures sometimes with fevers, so this was yet another big serious thing on my plate. I picked him up and spent a long time taking care of him before he went down for a much needed nap, and then I had to try to mentally place myself back into work to get done the zillions of things that have to be done this week.

I called WS, told him that our son was sick again and could he please run a few errands for me between clients or after work? I could tell in his voice that he really didn't want to, but he agreed. I started to hang up, but then he said something about always taking care of everything around here and I so wanted to throttle him. I told him exactly what I had to get done today *around* caring for a sick child, and he said, "I'm just tired of you picking on me to get things done and never thanking me for it." I asked him when exactly I'd been "picking" on him-- I'd asked if he could please help me out by doing a few things (regular errands that are somehow always my responsibility to take care of). How was that picking on him? He said that it implied that he doesn't do enough around here and that he's tired of me being ungrateful for all the things he does. "It's not all about you!" he said before hanging up.

He came home from work after our son was already in bed for the night and I kept working on all the stuff I hadn't gotten done while he watched sports. He didn't say hi when he came in, but then he talked about some statistical sports thing for 20 minutes like I was his best pal. I told him around 10 that I was heading to bed, and he followed shortly. He asked if it was okay to leave the light on and read while I went to sleep. Sure. Whatever.

I hated laying next to him. I didn't want him to touch me. It's like going back to last May and the weeks after finding out about everything. I can hardly talk to him even today because I'm so angry. Staying civil demands all my energy. I'm afraid I'll snap at any moment. As long as he's not in the house I'm fine, but as soon as he's home I can practically feel my blood pressure rising.

What's the big deal? "It's not all about you" was his sweet little catch phrase in the few months before I found out about the affair. Anytime I brought up anything to him-- could he please help more with dishes or could he do an extra day of daycare drop off just this week? He would come back with how keeping his schedule is important to him and "it's not all about you and what you want."

I don't know that the use of that phrase yesterday necessarily means anything. I know I'm in a bad spot right now and I know I'm giving meaning to things that have none. It's just another thing eating on me. And in one of our first sessions post d-day I brought up that phrase and how he always made me feel like I was the most selfish person on earth. And he told me that day in counseling that he thought I was amazing at taking care of the others in my life before myself. He said selfishness never registers for him when he thinks of me.

And yet here it is again.

I think I give up. Not in a get a divorce way, but I just can't wrestle with this anymore. I haven't slept in ages- partly because of pregnancy, but mostly because my brain is so busy trying to sort things out. At my last OB appointment I told her I was having a hard time sleeping and she offered a prescription. I can't even sleep when I take that little pill, and those suckers always knock me out. I just can't keep trying to fix this. I feel like it's all on me right now- the stress and the triggers and everything is just sitting on me. And every little thing that comes out of his mouth is making me so angry I'm bubbling over.

I know you all said I need to have a conversation with him about all this, but I don't think I can. I think if I do I'll just find out more crap that I don't want to know about this situation, and I just can't handle it right now.