Numbers and Anniversaries

I'm a numbers gal. I remember numbers and dates without trying, even though a vast amount of other more important things slip through my brain. It's not that I'm a stickler about anniversaries of things-- I'm not one of those women that wants to celebrate the anniversary of the first time we met, first date, first kiss, first sex, etc.-- but I do remember all those dates, and when they come around on the calendar I do think of them. It's not even just relationship dates that I remember. I remember the date of my son's first real steps on his own, the first day he ate solid food, I remember the date that I met my sister-in-law for the first time. Heck. I still remember the date that I "graduated" from 8th grade.

It's just a weird thing about me.

What sucks is that I'm in the midst of affair anniversaries. We just passed the anniversary of the night that WS's girlfriend called because her car had broken down on the side of the road and needed help. We're coming up on the anniversary of a date that they had-- a night that I had a sitter set up to watch our son and WS and I were supposed to go out together, but he canceled on me because he was "called in to work". He was actually taking her and another couple out to one of my favorite places.

We're also coming up on May 7. Why is that day important? Well, the first thing that happened that day was that my son really crawled for the first time. It was so exciting to watch because it had taken him almost 2 months of dragging his legs around for him to finally find his knees and really crawl. WS was really withdrawn while we were watching him-- totally the opposite of how he usually is with our son. Once the little guy went down for his nap that afternoon, I asked if everything was okay and got the obligatory "I'm fine." I knew he was down, but he obviously didn't want to talk, so I jokingly asked, "Well, you still love me right?"

God, I was stupid.

I've been reliving the whole thing in my dreams for the last week. I'm already not sleeping because I'm too pregnant to be comfortable, and dreaming like this has kept me up for hours in the middle of the night most nights. WS has noticed how I've been and asks me all the time if there's anything he can do to help, or if I need to talk about things, and I've been pushing him away. I couldn't really put things into words for him that I haven't already used before. I'm afraid you're going to destroy me again. I'm afraid you're going to take advantage of my graciousness in trying to work through this rather than just writing you off. I'm afraid you're going to turn back into the man you were before and I'll hate myself for ever giving you another chance.

I finally brought it up to WS last night. I told him how everything has been stirred up for me with all the anniversaries, and just general stress going on in my life. I told him that I don't think he can do anything to help me through this except to continue to do his own work on himself and to continue to care for me like he has been the last several weeks. I told him that I don't know that this will ever go away for me-- that when it comes to the anniversaries, this might always be a time of year that is difficult for me. We're going to talk about it again in counseling this week.

Will it always be like this this time of the year? Just by nature of my personality? I keep a calendar constantly in my head, and nothing gets erased. Or will that mean I'm finally "healed" if there ever comes a day where I can clear it off my calendar?