Friday, April 20, 2007

What do I want?

god I should never ever say that I think we're doing well. Because as soon as those words leave my mouth I'm due for a crap day and things keep surfacing in my brain that drive me nuts.

Today it's that all I can think of and worry about is whether or not he said "I love you" to her. And I can't call because this is the one day each week that he's unavailable. He won't be done for another few hours.

And nothing has changed-- he hasn't screwed up or said something dumb or *anything*... it's just me being crazy and obsessing about these little details. I'm beating myself to death mentally for not asking him that question before now. Why is it coming up almost a year later??? Because the 22nd that's Sunday and that's that date they had that haunts me. If I had done what I planned that night I would have found out about the mess earlier than I did-- before she spent an entire fucking weekend with him in my house.

So he's doing everything right-- he's working hard in counseling, he's being open, he's being truthful even when it's hard, he's doing all the things I ask of him, he's being a great dad, he's working for our family instead of just for himself... and I can't get over this. I can't stop obsessing. I can't stop thinking about how he wished to be out of here and came so close to leaving. And even though I'm not worried that the situation will repeat, that once was enough. I should have taken the out he gave me. And instead I did the good girl thing and stayed to work things out and begged him back, and I HATE myself for it. I feel like I gave up myself when I did that, and the regret I feel for that moment is killing me.

I wish I'd let him go. No-- I wish I'd kicked him out. I wish I'd stood up for myself and told him exactly what I thought about what he'd done in that moment of rage and grief. I wish that he was the one that had to beg for me to take him back. I wish I hadn't basically laid down in front of him and invited him to walk all over me. I wish I'd been stronger.

And now I've lost that chance. I mean, hasn't he proven that he's in this for real? Hasn't he proved that he's committed not just to staying but to being a real husband and father? Would it be fair of me to change my mind now? Is it fair to our kids? When I really think about it, I don't really want him gone. I don't pine away for a life without him. I have imagined life without him though-- how hard it would be to be a single parent, to try to survive on just my income, to try to get along as a single woman. I don't know if I can.

So what do I really want? It's been hard to think about this, but the topic has been on my mind for a month or so, and I think I've finally got an answer: A man who treats me like the most valued person in his life. A man who looks at me with overwhelming love in his eyes, a man with intense passion meant only for me. Someone who honestly believes that I'm the best thing to ever come into his life. I want connection. I want to be valued.

The next question is, can WS be that man?

And to follow that, can I love him again?

5 comments:

kissmekate said...

OMG! We are once again on the same page.....EXACTLY!

The only difference in our situations is that my WS came crawling back to me, begging for another chance.

I so want to feel loved again, and feel the warm fuzzy feeling of being 'in love', the feeling that they would die for you or defend to the death for you.

I too question whether Charlie is that man that can give me what it is that I want. In fact I had this conversation with him last night.

NaiveNoMore said...

At least you were brave enough to have the conversation, Kate. I don't know if I'm just too tired or stressed or just plain old chicken... I can't bring myself to start the conversation. I have to say I'm jealous of you and your ability to have the tough conversations with Charlie. I have no fight in me right now.

kissmekate said...

Naive it really is tough. You are truly stuck because you feel that you are being so negative and having a go at them when they have done nothing wrong. They are working on the issues and they are working on the marriage.

But at the bottom of it all there is you and your feelings too. You have the right to feel loved, and if he is not making you feel that then he needs to know.

You need to give him the opportunity to fix it. If he is genuinely remorseful then he would gladly discuss this with you.

Hey, I am not saying it won't be a slap in the face for him, but hell girl look at the slap in the face he gave you!

Tell him, because if you don't address the issue then you may well find yourself in the same place you did before the affair.

You have so much to gain by telling him, but alot more to lose by hiding it from him. You may gain the wonderful feeling of being loved again, but you may lose the opportunity to gain a wonderful marraige that fulfills your every need.

Hey if you want to email me to chat more feel free. Email link on my profile.

Survived said...

Naive, you really must have those tough conversations and let your H know what's going on in your mind. He needs to help you through this.

It sounds as if it's the anniversary dates coming up, forcing these 'what if' thoughts. I know I went through all that stuff. I just had to tell K that I needed the support - not to keep on as if nothing happened - which he did appreciate and he soon started to be more understanding. I thought I was going mad - which wasn't helped by the hormonal mess of the menopause, either.

Anonymous said...

I totally relate. How I look at it is
That my H had his little midlife crisis and that set off my own midlife crisis. I wanted to have what he had a taste of - passion, throwing all of my responsibilities to the wind, utter selfishness. If he loves me so much why can't he give that to me? I hate her because, even tho he did not any way near love her, she got that from him. Crazy thinking- stinking thinking that call that in AA but true nonetheless.Must be something that all of us BS's go thru in some version.