Sunday, May 27, 2007

Feeling Love

Do any of you in the reconciliation process really feel that you love your spouse? Not the deep love that keeps you there in the first place... that *feeling* of loving them? I'm still numb a lot of the time. Numb isn't exactly the word I mean, but it's the closest I can think of. I don't feel anything strongly towards him. Not anger or hate or love or happiness... there's no real emotion there anymore. That's one thing that still makes me wonder if maybe he and I should split even with all the hard work we've both put into making this work. It's just a tiny nagging thought. Now there is just... comraderie maybe. Friend-ness. He's the guy I hang out with and laugh with and raise children with. Not the guy I'm passionately in love with.

For a long while I went through an anger phase where just about everything pissed me off, even things that weren't specific to the affair. But I took that as a sign that there was still some kind of spark there between us, because I just don't get to that kind of rage without there being an intense level of connection there. I don't get that angry with just anyone, you know? So I thought that that level of hurt and frustration and anger was an indicator of the love I had for him-- the betrayal factor was higher because I loved him so much.

Now, not so much. Maybe it's because before this happened I couldn't imagine my life without him. Now I can. I've had to do that, and I'm still partially prepared to make that leap if I have to.
Maybe I've just incorrectly defined love all this time. Some girls think love=sex or love=money or whatever... I saw love=lifetime and commitment, and I don't mean that in the cheesy cliched way that so many women think of those ideas. My idea of commitment was truely lifetime through all that is ugly and hard to deal with. I've handled a lot of things with this man when I really wanted to run away, but I didn't because of that commitment. His infidelity has just been the sharpest blow. I don't see love that way anymore. Even though things are going well right now, I always think there might be a coming day when there could be a split-- and probably not over an affair. Before d-day I *never once* imagined it.

Is this just my pessimism at its finest? I really struggle with that part of my personality. I'm constantly fighting against it in my work life and now it's in my personal life. I feel like I'm pulling the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" scam that he tried to pull on me on d-day. Maybe the deeper love I feel I have for him isn't really there. The "in love" thing definitely isn't there, and I doubt it ever will be. Maybe I've fooled myself into believing the deeper love exists between us to justify the fact that I'm staying with him even after this betrayal.

I know that the "right" answer to all of this is that the deeper love is more important and that the "in love" feeling fades. But I want to feel *something* again. It doesn't have to be grand and romantic and storybook... but it needs to be real.

Is it one of those "fake it til you make it" things? Like if we keep putting in the time and energy and work that it will come back for me? That I'll be able to look at him and think how much I love him? I have very specific memories of looking over at him while he was watching t.v. or reading or something totally boring and thinking, "god, I love this man."

I want something like that back.

And when I am honest with myself, I want it with Matt.

3 comments:

Survived said...

You've put into words exactly how I've been feeling this past few weeks, only much better than I ever could have done.

I have worked past these feelings a little - sort of 'fake it till you make it', as you said. It's funny, I was thinking of that exact phrase only the other day.

Take care.

kissmekate said...

Again we are in the same place.

I often wonder if this relationship is habitual instead of based on love.

Infidelity really is a sharp blow. To me, before infidelity existed in my marriage, love meant spending my life with a man whom I could trust with every beat of my heart, someone I would grow old with, someone that would love me till my dying breath without hesitation.

That was shattered with that dreaded phrase. It is as though we have to rewrite our definition of love and that SUCKS! Having to write our morals and values due to infidelity really SUCKS, because it feels like you just aren't being true to yourself.

Anonymous said...

Oh you guys... sigh! I am so in the same place. I conceptualize it like a part of me is asleep, numb like your arm falls asleep if you lay on it. I know my arm is still there but I have to consciously remind myself. Kate you said it really well. I think to myself- since it would hurt him if I said this, I do not even know what Love means anymore? I think I am entering the zone of real love- marriage kind of love not romance kind and that takes gumption and stamina, sometimes feels like slogging thru mud! We don't get to see much of this anymore with divorce so common. Anyway- some of my thoughts, worth a penny!