We've had a few weeks now of "normal" life. Jack is doing well, Michael is well, and I'm getting back into work (still stressed there but things are coming together). We've pretty much adjusted to the boys being home with me for now, but we're still looking for part time care so that I can be a little more productive when I'm working rather than working in 10 minutes intervals.
Matt and I haven't been talking about any relationship stuff. To be honest it has been hard for me because this has consumed my brain for over a year now (save the time when Jack was born and in the hospital) and I went about 3 lovely days without thinking about it and then the other night woke up in a panic with all these horrible relationship related thoughts pounding through my head. I didn't talk to Matt about it. I'm trying to talk myself down. I know Matt has appreciated the break though, and that is worth it.
I'm feeling psychotic again. It's how I spent all of last summer and fall-- feeling like a maniac. Only then it was because I compulsively went over every detail of Matt's day, checking his phone and bank records, searching his computer, everything I could possibly do to make myself feel like he might really be telling the truth. I needed hard evidence of that fact. I haven't been searching again. I feel crazy now because the stress in my life is eating me alive. Just the work of trying to take care of our financial situation keeps me up til ungodly hours. We're in pretty bad shape now because I've basically not been working since July, and before that was working in a very limited capacity. So we've eaten through half of our savings even though we cut back our living expenses quite a bit when I went on bed rest, and we're still waiting on a few hospital bills to get through the insurance process.
I'm really struggling with PPD this time. Or maybe it's not PPD and it's general depression. I don't know. I really don't feel overwhelmed by the mothering part of life. I'm loving having my boys home with me most of the time. It's the rest of life that is sucking me dry. Finances, trying to get work going again, Matt... if I have to give any more of myself, I'm going to fall over. I really feel like I'm alone in dealing with everything, and if I bring anything up I'm putting stress on Matt that he doesn't want/need and that will just push him away again.
I don't know how to balance things right now. I can't seem to talk to him about things that really need to be addressed without it turning into a major fiasco, but keeping it to myself is eating me up. I am a smart woman. Why the hell can't I figure out how to bring order to my life?
I'm feeling very foolish right about now.
4 comments:
You are a smart woman and it will be ok. I know exactly how you feel- I live with the affair and it's aftermath, I live with a child with a developmental disability. My way is to tend to get numbed out and then act weird and distant- not very helpful! I've had those same dreams and panics. Just because you're holding up your end of managing your feelings doesn't mean you should NEver talk about anything with MAtt? Are you in therapy? Is there any family patterns emerging like polarization- doing too much and not sharing can become a habit and undermine the partners potential. Can he really not step up or are you just afraid to try and see? Try asking him if he is ready to talk about some of your stress and see what he says- maybe he can do it! Good Luck!
PS- and why wouldn't you be depressed? Maybe some chemical support via meds would give you some breathing room? No shame there.. do what healthy things you can to get some relief....
I know some of this is my fear that he'll just shut down. You are right-- I'm not really giving him a chance. We have not been to therapy in awhile. We go every other week but have had to skip the last 2 because of kids being sick. I see that we really need to go.
And about the depression... I *really* don't want to go back on meds if I don't have to. Last time it took forever to find something that would work, and the drug that works for me isn't safe for breastfeeding. I really don't want to give that up since Jack was a preemie and needs to have as much of that as he can get.
On the other hand I went untreated after Michael was born and made an even bigger mess of my relationship in the meantime. I'm going in for a regular visit next week anyway-- I need to ask about my options.
The Dr I work with swears by a TB. of High Quality Norwegian Cod Liver Oil for mood stabilization and We often recommend/prescribe it!Folks who try it say it works well.
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