Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Renewal

We have a wedding to go to this weekend. Our son is the ringbearer. Hopefully he'll behave, but even if he doesn't he's young enough that people will think he's just being cute.

I'm dreading this. Since I found out about the affair in May we've been to two weddings; this will be our third. The first was within 6 weeks of finding out, and I wanted to beat the crap out of WS for about a week afterwards. The second wedding wasn't as bad. I think the aftershocks only lasted a day or two, and I'm trying to be prepared this time for another day or two of triggering.

I am not an emotional person at all. I'm crazy hormonal right now with the pregnancy, and for me that means that I've cried like 3 times in the last 5 months. I just don't react emotionally to many things. I'm very much the kind of person that takes a moment to evaluate the situation and my options before acting. The whole wedding thing for me and WS was really about the commitment of that ceremony-- not about getting dressed up and feeling all romantic for the day. At least, that's what it was for me. I can't speak for WS on that.

The thing that has me the most stressed about the upcoming wedding is that I think WS will ask me again to renew our vows. He first mentioned it while we were at the reception for the June wedding, and then asked me again at the second wedding. I had kind of put off answering until then, and I finally told him no. I have no reason to renew my vows to him-- I never broke mine. And to be honest, why should I accept vows from him again? They didn't exactly stick the first time.

He's brought up the vow renewal thing in passing a few times in the last week or two, and I just kind of laugh and brush him off. It's something I can't do. Maybe in a few years I can, but I feel like that would mean fully recommiting myself to him, and while things are going well right now, I'm not in a place where I'm comfortable with him making that kind of commitment to me again. Does that make sense?

He is still doing well. Little things every day, actually listening when I talk, taking time when he first comes home to kiss me and say hi to our son before he does anything else-- even to take off his coat most times. He's also been working from home a little more, which is a mixed blessing. Since I also work from home we sometimes get in each other's ways, but we're doing better about managing that.

5 comments:

kissmekate said...

You know naive, your post has really hit a raw nerve with me. I am sitting here in tears and cannot stop the flow.

My wedding anniversary is at the end of the month. Last year we didn't do anything, not even give each other a card. When WH came back the last time he also wanted to renew our vows and I was apprehensive.

But he also suggested we go away for a holiday at the end of March to a very romantic place. I was so excited because it would have been our wedding anniversary and it would have meant so much to me. It would have shown me that he was committed to the marriage.

I was actually going to suggest if we went away that we renewed our vows, jus thim and I, no-one else in attendance.

But it has not panned out that way and as usual my expectations have been swept away.

He planned a weekend away at a capital city.

So mch for the holiday. Heaven forbid he take some time off from work to spend with me.

I really set myself up to fall by trusting him and believing him, and needless to say I have fallen hard.

I really hope that the wedding does not cause too much grief. I am happy to hear that he is still doing all those things for you. Cherish it and hope that he continues to do it!

Kymberlina said...

Hi there,
I just found your blog thru kate's blog since she invited me... it really touched me to read your story... and I truly hope you make it thur this time in your life... the more blogs I read the more I realize there are so many women out there suffering and being strong at the same time silently... this is a great help to be able to blog amongst strangers... in yet, it doesn't feel like we are strangers. Bye for now, Kym

NaiveNoMore said...

Kate> that's what I'm afraid of. That he'll keep this good streak going for a few months or whatever, and I'll get that close to really trusting him again and then he'll decide I'm won over and stop working at things. I just can't do that again. I can't be last place anymore.

I'm afraid renewing our vows will set it in his mind that he's won me back, when that job is *never* done in a good relationship. And then all the good things he's doing will disappear and we'll be back to where we were.

And I just can't deal with that again.

NaiveNoMore said...

Kymberlina> You're right. It is sometimes a great comfort to be able to write without identity. In the grand scheme of things my story is the same as so many women. The details are mine, but the story itself is incredibly old.

I look forward to reading mroe about you.

Karin's Korner said...

Hi, I just found your blog through Kate (she sure is popular,lol) and read it from the beginning to the end. WOW, you do have a story to tell. My heart goes out to you and I do have a bit of advise if you want it, please take it. If not, just ignor it and I don't mean to impose. My first husband had an affair about 3 years into our marriage. I promise it does get better. You will forgive, somedays you will even get through the day without thinking of it then all of a sudden it will pop up and smack you dead in the face again. I was married for almost 20 years and then I had the balls to leave (it had nothing to do with the affair, he was just a dink) ANYWAY - I still to this day think about his affair, not everyday not even every month, but once in a while it just comes and smacks me in the face. I have been happily married for almost 5 years to the most wonderful husband in the world and still I find myself thinking about the first's affair. So, what I am saying is that you have to make a decision. Do you want to forgive him or not, but you have to realize that you will never ever forget the pain that he caused you. You have to be able to live with that if you want your marriage to work. Did I think my husband deserved another chance? Absolutly. Did I want to make it work? yes, more then anything and it would have had he had more compassion for the children (you would have to read my blog to understand all of it). My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I will keep checking back for more updates but from the sound of it, you are on the right track.