Tuesday, March 04, 2008


It seems like this life provides us with too many and too few choices. Sorry to be quizzical- I'm in a mood.

We're heading into another anniversary. The actual date is still about 2 months away, but I can't get it out of my head. I keep dreaming about things related to it, it pops up in my thoughts during the day, it seems to be everpresent. It got bad enough that I woke up in the middle of the night last night and did stupid googling of Jessica's usernames and all that. It has almost been 2 years, but I'm apparently still not above this. When I finally got back to sleep I dreamed about hunting her down at her job and having it out with her-- no violence, but boy did I give her a tongue-lashing. I'm so passive agressive it's ridiculous! I couldn't even beat the girl up in my dream...

It's times like this that I wonder if I made the right choice to stay with Matt. Most of the time I think yes. We've made so much forward progress, and we've been genuinely getting along so well that I hope desperately that we continue to improve and grow together. But sometimes I still have that "no" in my mind. Am I still going to be stressed and worried over these anniversaries years from now? Is this seriously going to hang in the back of my mind for the rest of my marriage?

This is year 2. It should get better after awhile, yes? So what is it- 5 years? 10 years? Never? I'm trying to be realistic, as always.


akakarma said...

I'm right with you! I think it leaves a scar that is very slow to disappear altogether. It even starts to feel familiar to me. You are ok- it's ok to stay married for alot of reasons, or just stay married for no good reason. You've got the little ones and I think we end up comparing our pre-affair marriage to post affair marriage- it's really like apples and oranges. Best to you!

Survived said...

I'm with you, too. I get these 'should I stay or should I go' feelings quite regularly, although they seem to be calming down a bit now. I'm also in the second year following d-day. And I've also had the urge to go to where Cruella works and give her a good tongue-lashing. I've also had urges to email all her school colleagues to tell them about this adulterer in their midst. I'm not normally into revenge, but this has made me so mad.

The Marriage Builders site says it takes on average 2-5 years to get over this.

Take care.