Friday, March 28, 2008


Matt is going through a big change at work. He's not in danger of losing his job or anything, but just a lot of changes to the company and management and shifts in his own schedule to accomodate the changes. This is stressing him quite a bit and has been for the last 6 weeks or so. He's downright pissy all the time.

I'm not a big fan of change myself, but I know this about myself and I try incredibly hard not to take it out on Matt or the kids. Last night he started an argument over the silliest thing. He thought he'd told me about an after work commitment when he hadn't, so when he was getting ready to leave and I asked where he was going he got upset and said, "you know. I told you about this last week." then refused to tell me about it like a pouting 10 year old. He accused me of never listening to him when he tells me things, and then after ranting and raving a bit, it dawned on him that he MIGHT not have told me. Did he apologize for his accusations? Not one bit. Did he repeat himself over and over about how I never listen to him? Oh yes... though it is difficult to listen and remember his schedule when HE NEVER EVEN SAYS THOSE WORDS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

I tried to chalk it up to him being stressed and nit picking because of his own stress, so this morning I joked gently with him about it and asked if he was still mad. And would you believe that he exploded all over again? I'm seriously dumbfounded. It was all big fat "woe is me" whining about how hard his life is and how I can never truly understand how difficult every single day of his life is. If I could walk in his shoes for a moment then I'd know and I'd stop ticking him off all the time.


After awhile, I said very softly, "I think I've heard enough." And he yelled at me to stop muttering under my breath. I said it again and added. "Whenever you're finished with this rampage, please let me know." I told him I didn't appreciate the fact that he was taking everything out on me when I've done nothing to "tick him off". He then pulled out the "Well, I work more than you and earn more and do more for us than you do" card... what he doesn't seem to remember though, is that I do all of our financial stuff, and funny thing- I earn more than him and the only way he works more hours than I do is because of his insane commute time. Funny how he hated that I pointed that out.

I did a very insane thing then and told him how lazy he's been and how that's ticking ME off. He's been getting home from work and literally laying on the couch or hiding in our room for the 2 hours til our boys go to bed. He ignores me, ignores the kids and does his own thing because he "needs down time". He comes in to do the good father show of tucking the boys in, but then he's back to being a lounge lizard for the rest of the evening while I finish cleaning up the kitchen from dinner and picking up toys and working a little more.

About 2 weeks ago I told him I needed more time and help from him. I thought it had been a productive discussion. All I asked was that when he gets home from work that he asked me what tasks I had left to accomplish, and that he help me do them so that we can both relax in the evening, and hopefully spend some of that new free time together. This involves him playing with the boys so that I can clean up dinner things, or helping me fold that last load of laundry or giving the boys their baths so that I can put laundry away-- nothing to strenuous, I promise. He agreed with me and said I definitely deserved some help with all I'm doing and that he would help. That next day he came home and did just what he had promised, and I thought it had worked out wonderfully. He didn't seem to mind it at all, but apparently he only agreed that I deserved help in theory because that's the only time he did what he had agreed to. I mistakenly started offering up excuses for him in my mind, a habit I am really trying to kill. I immediately went to the "Stress at work" excuse for him followed by "really tired" and "not feeling well". The truth is, he is just being a lazy ass. Of course, he doesn't call it lazy- it is well-deserved "down time".

During all the arguing this morning, I finally just asked him if there was something he wanted to get off his chest. I told him I'd rather him just be honest and get it over with, because rarely does someone get this cranky over little tiny things unless there is a big huge thing eating at them. He said he didn't want to say, and I told him that the cat was out of the bag, and that unless he'd murdered or raped someone, there wasn't really much that would shock me anymore.

So he told me that he just doesn't like me or anyone else right now, and that he'll get over it soon.

I told him he'd better get over it in the next day or two, or there would be no one here to take it all out on if he continues to treat me like this.

So he left. He said, "this is ridiculous!" and he walked out like he'd played no part in the arguing. He came back this evening, and the only way I can tell that something is wrong is that he is uncharacteristically quiet. Otherwise he pretended like nothing ever happened.

I don't know what to do. I can account for his time, so I'm not struggling with trust issues in regards to infidelity. I am NOT going to let him yell at me whenever he's stressed out though. He said he didn't like me much right now, and you know what? I'm not liking him either. I don't know what's going on here yet, but something is up.


Amy said...

"rarely does someone get this cranky over little tiny things unless there is a big huge thing eating at them"

Amen, sister! I have learned this lesson with my husband.

I'm very sorry for your hubby's attitude. I can so relate. Why is it we feel they "deserve" downtime just because they work outside the home when we are at home all day without a break?

Whenever my husband and I have exchanges like this, it is usually when he is feeling very tempted or has already given in to the temptation. I'm praying this is not so in your case....


akakarma said...

I hope you guys figure it out. Sounds like a major pow wow is in order! Why don't you stop by work and check it out in person? Maybe have lunch with him? Don't second guess yourself- follow your instincts.

akakarma said...

Where are you? Hope all is well.

Scarlett Hester said...

Just curious if everything is ok.