Tuesday, March 18, 2008

John, Part 3

One of the things I miss about my relationship with John was that outside of arguing maintaining our relationship seemed effortless for the most part. We went about doing whatever we did- working our jobs, seeing friends, being with each other-- without much work. I'm trying not to idealize that time in my life, but to be honest it's difficult not to. I remember that time as so easy and free. Of course, there was the trade off of all the fighting, and I wouldn't wish that back either.

I guess my question is, what is it about work in a relationship? Should you have to work this hard to maintain a good relationship? Is there never a place where a couple can relax for a bit and truly trust that their relationship is safe? I'm not talking about sitting back and assuming that life will stay grand forever. I suppose what I'm wishing for right now is to not feel the constant need to be aware of our relationship "status". We're doing very well right now, but I feel the need to take an inventory at night-- Did I listen to him when he talked about work? Did he take the time to listen to me about the kids and about my workday? Did we make time for each other? Did we show affection to each other? I wish to feel secure enough in my relationship that I could just settle in, knowing that everything would be good again the next day and go to sleep without worrying about where my place is in my husband's mind and heart. I know that I'm his priority right now, but I find myself obsessing to be sure I'm doing the "right" things to be sure there is no reason for him to think otherwise.

I have never worked so hard in my life on any relationship as I have worked over the past 2 years. I dare say the same about Matt. I'm tired though. I don't want to lose all the good things we have gained from all this effort, but I need to rest. I need to be secure in our relationship so that I can be a little selfish and take care of myself for a few days. The problem lies with me I know. God- I wish there was a switch where I could turn off the annoying part of me that worries an insane amount over trivial things.


akakarma said...

Therein lies the difference between living together and marriage. There's something about the marital relationship it seems where all kinds of shit gets worked thru and it is sooooo hard! I, again, am totally there. I'm hoping it's like rowing hard to get to a port in a storm! We're in the rowing like crazy stage!~

NaKay said...

My husband and I have not had to work like that. Our communication and intimacy seems to come pretty naturally. We don't 'work', we truly enjoy each others company.

However, we haven't had issues with infidelity. I imagine that would change the whole terrain of a relationship.