Friday, February 29, 2008

John, Part Two: Adult Relationship

Just before John and I moved in together there was a day that was far too perfect.

I slept in until an unreasonable hour and took a long hot bath-- long enough to get through an entire magazine. And when I got out of the tub I had a message from John: "hey-- this is weird, but I can't seem to stop thinking about you. I can't wait to see you tonight." Simple words, but I won't ever forget them. I felt so valued by him.

I remember laying on my bed and thinking that I was seriously the luckiest woman to have ever lived. We went out together that night and had an amazing evening, and that was the night he asked me to move in with him. I practically saw stars.


On the flip side, I had convinced myself that the kind of passion and attraction we had for one another required all the arguing we did. I mean- passion in the bedroom carries into life, right? So because we were so intense with each other when we liked each other, we had the same level of intensity (if not more so) when we fought. We both said really stupid hurtful things to each other while we were upset, and that is why we were not able to keep ourselves together. We couldn't be respectful in an argument, so we drove ourselves apart.


Matt and I have been quite the opposite. I think a strong factor in my decision to marry him because I was attracted to the stability and his even-tempered nature. He generally is extremely calm. That was part of how I knew something was going on leading up to my discovery of the affair-- he started having these crazy temper tantrums that were so out of character for him, and then when they continued as long as they did I stupidly assumed that it was something I'd done to cause it.... why do some women do that to themselves? Why do we assume it is us to blame at all times?

We have been talking in therapy about recreating passion, and it has been a hard topic, because to be honest, "passion" is not one of the words I would use to describe our relationship-- at any point in time. I can now say that I love my husband again, but I don't feel that "can't wait to see him" thing. I suppose that is what we are trying to recreate.


So how exactly does one define an "adult" relationship? How do you balance that need to have someone desire you with the need for comfort and stability? It is always a work in progress, I'm learning, so what do you do in your relationship that works or doesn't work?

1 comment:

akakarma said...

Life is so queer isn't it? At my delicate stage of life passion and desire are fleeting and require work! I think many of us are conditioned to separate out passion from responsible/mature love and that has led many a woman to the bad boys for the fun and the others for marriage. Maybe try to see the bad boy in Matt?