In Response

Comment left by "Mistress":

If you aren't in love, why marry him again? I don't understand re-committing if
there is no love left. It seems like a big lie. Wouldn't you be better off going
your separate ways?

Who said there is no love?



If you're recalling several posts ago, I think it's been awhile (and quite a bit of counseling and progress) since anything like that was said. And another change-- now that I'm being treated for PPD and my hormones aren't wacko anymore I'm feeling like a normal human being with normal emotions again. Weird how much that changes things.



The thing about recommitting ourselves is the fact that there is no lie. This is very much a "take me as I am" gig. I think we both see the ugly parts of each other and we're walking into this eyes open.



And another quote from "Mistress":

"no starry eyed 'so in love' wedding"That phrase, to me, does not speak of
certain love. It sounds, on paper, like a legal commitment - and maybe that is
all it is. I hope, for your sake Naive, that I misunderstood. I am just curious
as to why someone would want to recommit so quickly unless they WERE starry eyed in love. No offense was intended.I don't know you Kate, but you certainly
presume to know me. Fortunately for me, you have it all wrong. Happy new year!

I understand where you're coming from and I appreciate the concern. To me the phrase "starry-eyed" expresses that all that person is thinking of is the feelings of that moment and not reality of loving long term and maintaining a good relationship. I'm figuring out this love thing again. So no-- not head-over-heels yet, but working on getting there. I'll just say that Matt is doing a great job convincing me that I can get there again.


Now on to the more philosophical portion of this post...



"In Love" vs. "Love"



These two ideas (and the differentiation between them) have caused me more trouble than anything in our recovery since the affair. There is of course that good old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phrase that most wayward spouses tend to utter at some point- mine included. It's been one of the few things that still hangs with me. How can you love someone and do something like this when you know it's going to break her heart? Is that fleeting "in love" feeling worth it?

I'll admit that after we'd been in therapy for a few months I had this week or two of jealousy building up in me because he'd gotten to experience that "fresh love" feeling. How long have we been married? Ages it seems, and longer than that since I've felt the butterflies of thinking he just might be the one for me and the excitement and tension leading to a first kiss... And I was jealous, because I wanted that again. "In Love" is so very different than "Love".


So we're doing the "in love" things, and god is this marriage different. You can't hold on to the feeling all the time, but if you can create it once or twice a week, it sure works a miracle.