John, Part One

Mind if I talk about my past relationship in pieces? I need to sort through some things, and as I've started writing about it I realized that there are a bunch of different aspects to this. So here is the first part.

Before I met Matt I was engaged to someone else. Just to be nice and plain, we'll call him John.

It was a bad relationship. It was too fast and we were too young and stupid to manage an adult relationship. We had amazing fire and passion, and while that was really good when it was good, it was also really bad when it was bad. We fought quite a lot in the few months we were together and in one bad fight he hit me. I left and never went back. I talked to him a few times after- once to arrange to get back into our apartment for my things without him being there, and another time when he called me drunk a few months after everything was over and told me how sorry he was and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him and all the drivel that sorry drunks say.

This is the story that Matt knows. It's none too exciting. I think a lot of us have a bad relationship like this in the past. I haven't told Matt details about it, mostly because he hasn't asked, and a little because there are parts of that relationship that I keep to myself. I felt really good in my relationship with John until those last few weeks. I was confidant in myself, I felt sexy and desired and amazing. Don't get me wrong. The fighting was awful. I hated that part. But when things were good between us, I felt like John would put the world at my feet if he could.

If I could cut and paste from past relationships, I would use Matt as my template. I would cut some things from him and from John I'd paste that passion and devotion.

I know Matt loves me, but I want more than that.