Every time WS does something stupid I end up using my next free hour alone to go through his computer files and search the crap out of OW on the internet. I look through cell records, temp files, his internet history, emails, everything I have access to (whether he knows it or not).
I know I'm not the only betrayed person that does this, but why do I feel like a lunatic every time? I'm looking for some hint that I am not, in fact, a moron-- and that I'm not being duped again. The relief I feel at not finding anything is tremendous, but it doesn't mean that I trust him any more than I did before.
The frantic searches are getting less frequent, but I hate that I feel like I have to check up on him all the time. I still can't trust him to be honest with me about small things, so I'm certainly not trusting him when he says that he has no contact with OW. If he'll lie to me about where he goes to lunch (knowing full well that I take care of our debit card/checking account and SEE where he goes to lunch) why would he be entirely truthful about the actual issues in our marriage?
So is this just going to be the natural order of things for awhile? I'm just going to have to check in on him when I feel the need to do so? Is it normal for this stage of recovery? It's probably just the opposite, and I am indeed a raving psycho.
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6 comments:
You are not a raving looney. It is perfectly normal to obsess and investigate everything.
I used to do the same and afterward would feel terrible. I would usually confess my actions to my husband but he would just give me a hug and tell me it was OK and that he understood.
It does lessen and I can't tell you the last time I did it. Oh OK I can....a few weeks ago I went through his wallet.
But rest assured you are completely normal!
I agree with Kate. I went through a phase, just after confession day, of wanting to look over my H's shoulder every time he switched on the computer. There comes a point when you realise this just isn't practical - you can't be there all the time.
I, too, confessed when I'd found something out by snooping, but this was the only way I could get it off my chest and clear the air. Otherwise I would have gone mad with anger. H was mad about this 'invasion of privacy', but I argued that if he no longer has anything to hide he shouldn't mind me wanting to put my mind at rest.
Since confession, he does tell me if he receives an email from OW, although we have not had one for .... ooohhhh just over a week!
I fear that you have taken on too much at once, with the pregnancy and the wandering husband, and that your health and/or marriage may pay a high price unless you choose one or the other. I hope that I'm wrong. Good luck!
Naive - I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. But I really don't think that you are doing or feeling anything out of the normal. In fact, it would be weird if you didn't spy a little - you just don't want to feel like you are wasting your time in reconcilation. Completely understandable. I feel that a time will come when you will no longer feel this way.
Thank you so much for your confirmations that I'm not a freak! There have been so many different emotions coming up with this whole recovery thing, and "freak" and "lunatic" come up quite often.
Anonymous> Any special reason you feel you shouldn't share your name? I mean, if you feel so strongly about things, I would hope you are also brave enough to attach the words to your own name, even if it is psuedonymous as mine is.
I just caught your site and I know exactly where you are at! I took a whole new way to deal with my anger, if you want to know I'll tell you sometime. I visit a great site called survivinginfidelity.com- they are all wonderful, not at all tacky. Please visit.
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