We talked in counseling last night about all of my concerns and how this certain period of time has been really hard on me and will be hard until we get through some of these anniversary dates. And the counselor looked at WS and said, "there is absolutely nothing wrong with her feeling this way. I would expect her to continue to fear these things for a long time." And while there is nothing earth shattering about that statement, it made me feel a lot better just to hear those words from someone in real life. It's okay to feel how I'm feeling.
In the course of the session though, a question came up from WS, and I'm still thinking about it. He asked if in all this time, with all the work we've both put in and all the progress we've made, "Is there still no trust between us? Even after all of this?"
It's such a difficult question, and I wasn't at all prepared to answer it. Because there is trust between us, but not what there should be and not what I think trust really is. I mean, I don't feel the need to check up on him all the time. I trust that when he says he's going to the store/gym/client meeting that he's actually going there. I trust that he is here for me right now.
The issue is, any of that can change in an instant. Almost a year ago I knew we'd hit a rough patch in our relationship, but I had absolutely no clue that an enormous part of WS's withdrawal was because his attention was going to another woman. So who's to say that when the next rough patch hits he won't do the same? I hope he won't, I try to believe that he's bettered himself beyond that, but I don't know it to be true. I don't trust his response to a tough situation.
I believe he is working to be a better man, but I don't take it for 100% fact yet.
I believe that he wants to be committed to me, but I can only trust that for right now-- who knows what 5 years will change?
I know, I know. It takes both of us to keep that committment and keep the relationship from sliding into that dark place, but the thing is, looking to someone else NEVER crossed my mind. And obviously it did his, so I wonder when or if it will cross again.
So yes. some trust, but we're not there yet.
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7 comments:
Once again we are on the same page.
I am in exactly the same place with the trust factor and your fears are also my fears.
I also agree about hearing it from a real person. Doesn't it take a weight off your shoulders, knowing that you are not crazy, but experiencing normal feelings after suffering the trauma of infidelity?
Our counsellor told us it takes between 18 months and 4 years to heal from infidelity. So I guess we both have a way to go yet.
Seems we are all on the same page, but I think at last mine appear to be turning.
I think I've reached a point where, in order to preserve my own sanity, I have made a decision to let go and move forward. It's not been easy, as I've also had some 'anniversary' issues to deal with this month, and more to come next month, but K is really helping me now, which is very comforting, and I feel much stronger for having tried and succeeded.
We three must have all found out at around the same time. I found out May 28th.
What about you guys?
Well, K was in Poland from April 4th to 10th, where some of the intimacy started, so this last couple of weeks has been hard. He started hiding the mobile phone just after that, but I managed to get hold of it and find the incriminating text messages from T, which was on May 11th, I think. The actual 'd-day' of finding out that the affair had been physical was October 14th, although it actually became physical the week after I found the text messages - in May. So, May is not going to be too good!!
Just surviving I can understand the difficulty.
Charlie wants to take me away in the next few weeks so I suggested he take me away over the period of May 28. Maybe I will be able to release alot of things over this period. I hope so.
May 7th for me when I found out. May SUCKED last year.
Do I ever relate to this. I have the same fears. I asked myself if my husband will cross the line again and why he won't since he did before and without guilt. I've asked him the same questions only to hear the same thing over and over: "I'll never do it again. I only want you." But he didn't ONLY want me during the past 7 years, and I don't believe he'll never do it again, due to the trust issues.
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